So I've started seeing someone who is ftm and I identify as a non-binary lesbian but everyone seems so closed minded about that, everytime I hangout with a close guy friend people would assume we are more then friends and when I have close female friends people assume we are dating, that I am trying to sleep with them or something, I can't identify how I want to without people either questioning it or completely disregarding what I say. And I can't seem to have a social life; those aren't really major problems but it has caused a major one; I've had to constantly tell people that I have no attraction to cis men but what I never mention is that I do have an attraction to trans guys so only my friend who is pansexual know's about who I am seeing because she understands but if I start seeing him more seriously I don't know how I'll deal with all the harassment I will receive from people..
If you like someone, it shouldn't matter what other people think. The happiness of being with someone you care about should be greater than the harassment you get from someone you don't even know. Never let discrimination stop you from being who you want to be.(*hug*)
The only thing I'd be wary of with identifying as lesbian and seeing a transguy is how it'd make him feel. Sure you can identify whichever way you want but you're essentially taking away from his identity by keeping your sexuality to mean "exclusively girls". I mean personally is hav a big problem if a straight guy wanted to date me and was like "I like girls but also transguys" because essentially all you're thinking about is what's in a persons pants. If you want to start seeing this guy more seriously then I'd talk to him about your labels and possibly think about altering them to accommodate him.
This is a complicated issue and one I've been thinking about a lot since my fiancee identified as a lesbian when we started dating four years ago and I only told her I was trans about six months ago. It's not like she can even say she is a lesbian but I am the exception because she admits she is attracted to other transmen and would probably date them if we weren't together anymore. So here's what you have to ask yourself: Do you see this guy as fully male? If so, then how can you call yourself a lesbian? If you don't see him as fully male, then you should not be dating him (unless he is okay with that, which I highly doubt he would be) because that is highly invalidating to his identity and probably detrimental to his self esteem to be involved with someone who doesn't treat him/see him as what he is. Another thing to think about: Why is it so important to see yourself as a lesbian? Imagine how he feels as a man who is dating someone who identifies as a lesbian. And just out of curiousity, why do you even consider yourself a lesbian (woman who is attracted to women) if you are not a woman but not binary? Especially if you could see yourself being attracted to other transmen, I would invite you to consider other labels for yourself, such as queer. The great thing about the word queer is, it suggests that you are outside the norm in some way, but doesn't necessarily suggest anything else, unlike the word bisexual which means you are attracted to men and women, or pansexual which means you are attracted to all identities. I haven't talked to my fiancee about this in a while, but I will admit, I would feel hurt if she still considered herself a lesbian while she knows I am a man, but I would be okay with her identifying as queer or even bisexual with the disclaimer: but not interested in cis men. So yeah. Why does it matter that you are not attracted to cis men if you are not dating one? I think we in the queer community are too obsessed with labels. It is okay that you are not attracted to cis men, but you don't need to advertise that fact unless you are actively dating. And even if you were, if you are not interested in someone, that is your business and you have every right to turn them down for whatever reason and there is no need to tell them it is because of their genitals. Who you are attracted to is really none of anyone's business, and if your own friends are harassing you because of this, I would urge you to reevaluate your so-called "friendships". ---------- Post added 4th Oct 2016 at 07:23 PM ---------- My favorite FTM youtuber Chase Ross explains his definition of the queer identity! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-XTjruibbc
Traditionally, the term lesbian means someone who is female who is exclusively attracted to females. From what you've written, it sounds like you don't meet either of these qualifications. While it doesn't excuse people's harassment by any means, it's possible that a lot of it is stemming from confusion about your unconventional use of the term. Unfortunately, in these situations your choices tend to be limited to either saying "fuck it if they don't understand" or constantly having to be educating people about the fact that, although you identify as lesbian, you are neither female nor exclusively attracted to women. Both of these options have a lot of downsides, imo. The other option is to possibly reconsider the label that you use for your sexual orientation. As suggested above, perhaps queer would be a better fit? Or bisexual? As a sidenote, I would also suggest having a deep conversation about this with your boyfriend to see what his feelings are. I know that personally I would NEVER date someone who was not also attracted to cis men. Though I acknowledge that other trans men feel differently, I cannot comprehend someone being attracted to me if and only if I am trans as being anything other than misgendering and invalidation. If for you it is a matter of only being attracted to estrogenized bodies, as it is for some, consider the problematic position you may put your partner in when making transition choices - will going further in medical or social transition potentially negatively impact your attraction?
I see him as male fully and I support his transitioning whole heartedly. The first thing we talked about was how we identify and he knows I use the label 'lesbian' and the reason is because when I came out I wasn't thinking about gender I just wanted to stop lying about myself. but now that I've had time to self discover and learn more about different spectrums and self views I have been trying to figure out my correct terms.** When I think about the term non-binary I'm not basing the view about my physical being I'm basing it on my personality, life style and such. ** That's why I like spending time with this person he knows I don't know how I identify gender wise and uses neutral pronouns.** We respect each other's boundaries and if there is something that makes one another we stop. When we first started talking he identified as female, I didn't know that he had come out as trans until a few days ago, it doesn't change how I feel at all and I know he has started taking hormones now; I'm happy for him and don't plan on just walking away because he is working towards transitioning.* I have two friends that are also ftm and someone who is like a brother to me, I love them the same as always.** My level of comfort and attraction for this guy hasn't changed.* The only thing that has is my view about myself and the people around me cause most don't seem to understand the spectrums we all sit on.
