Hi I'm a guy thats 28 years old currently in a long distance relationship with a lovely girl that made me think many things in life, including my love and sexuality. Looking back since young I used to feel I was Asexual, I mostly took my time to play football with friends and play gameboy. I would have my masturbation sessions to females on magazines. I had no interest in masturbation to men or their dicks. Even outside I have no interest in dicks. My masturbation session would eventually escalate to porn. Mostly straight porn. But there was one genre i love most and that was a heterosexual BJ? Looking back now, i never had interest in watching lesbian porn, or gay porn, only female strip tease & straight because it had a girl in them and BJ was the closest it got to seeing a girl face. I would get a turn on by this, but later ask myself if It was the guy's dick that made it so. But no, If there is no female involved i don't feel it, so gay BJ didn't do anything to me. Now I know porn doesn't really tell one's orientation but what does. When with my girlfriend, I was happy, I was confident, I would get erection from just hugging her at time, kiss her lips (peck kiss) would be enough to give me an erection at times. Just walking with her holding her hand would give me one. I love to see her smile and deep down I would give my life for this person. She is average, she is no model, but I don't need a model, her smile and eyes are the most beautiful my eyes ever come across. I felt happy and my body kept responding around her. For me to touch her was essential. I wanted this person happy above everybody else. I saw her strength when she doubted herself and her own family doubted her. I know her strength, and I would do anything to be with her there supporting her, but if this separate us, I don't want her hurt. If life takes us apart I will accept it, but my heart will always remember her. I would wake up nowadays and think how much I miss her by my side, I love when we cuddled and at time I had this great crave over genitalia touching (sexual teasing) I simply wasn't sexual like most men would be. When i got erection I didn't think how I want it. For me cuddling in bed already felt amazing. But sexually the things I wanted were very selfish at first, I loved her BJ sessions, but I'm not a selfish lover, I give also. I wouldn't take it any other way, as I wanted her to get pleasure. I still feel she is too silent about her desires, while I repress mine because of fear of not being accepted. I have no interest in anal, receive or take, (don't even watch in porn), but once I had vaginal penetration I simply didn't feel anything. I expected this great feeling, like in all my lucid dreams. Yes when i had lucid dreams I was a sexual being and all my sexual sessions in them were with a female. Did i had crushes in my life? Yes or so I feel, mostly to girl which were cute but seriously beautiful on the inside? I was never a sexual being in life, I would masturbate yes, but I feel porn too my drive away in total honestly, and same goes for gaming. I stimulated my brain around things that weren't real, so no wonder I would feel Asexual in life? And while feeling like its hard to understand what is real and what is not? I still look at m girlfriend, I want her to win in this life, I can't stand me holding her back, but its a battle between brain and heart and I can't even say anymore what is what anymore? Please help me reach my answer. I know this is something I have to find on my own but I feel my reality has been distorted by years of gaming and watching porn.
