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I don't know who I am.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Confusedperson1, Oct 6, 2016.

  1. Confusedperson1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    czech republic
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hello everyone!

    I honestly do not know where to start, so let me just tell you something about me.
    I am a girl, currently 15 years old and I live in the Czech Republic.

    I am gonna start with my story, please excuse all grammar/spelling mistakes, English is not my native language, thank you :slight_smile:

    The first ever memory I can get to is when I was 9 years old. When I was young, I used to wear skirts and a lot of girly clothes. I remember one day coming home from school, I was in third grade at that time, and that one day, I was wearing a skirt. I came home, feeling extremely unconfortable about it, I felt like it was wrong.
    I told my mom, that I do not want to wear skirts anymore and tbh I don't really remeber her answer, but she didn't do anything.
    Since that day, I never wore any kind of girl clothing.

    As far as I can remember, I always liked what boys did. When I was in my class, I would always play with them, I would go out and ride on skateboards with them, enjoying it much more than playing like the girls in my class, who were pretending to be teachers and stuff.

    One giant clue came when I was a 4th grader. I was 10 and I got a new friend, he was really cool and we hung out a lot. He introduced me to online games and the internet. This was when I started to sense a opportunity. What I did was, I started to play games under a boyish name, I reffered to myself as a boy and I felt like I was doing the right thing. Since then, Internet become a huge part of my life. Every day I would come home from school and I would go and play games, finally being me.

    At the age of thirteen, my body hit the puberty and started to change. This was really hard for me, as I can remember. Probably the worst part about it was when my boobs started to grow. I would do anything to hide them from the world and I started to dress even more like a boy. I remember going to the shop and the cashier would reffer to me as a boy. The feeling of that was amazing and I felt like doing the right thing.
    Few months forward, I got my first period and I started to hate my body even more then I did before. I have extremely painful periods and it really sucks. The thing is, I don't want to have periods. I always wanted to have a child, but for the last two years, I hate to even thing about that. I hate little kids, and I know that I do not want to have a kid.

    At Fourteen years of age, my mom noticed I was reffering to myself as a boy on the internet as I found friends there. Whenever I was talking to any of them, I was being myself, being a boy. One day, my mom came into the room and she asked me: "What are you doing?" and I said "I'm playing a game with my friends." She sat down next to me, put her hand on my shoulder and asked me, "Why do you pretend to be a boy?"
    I panicked. I didn't want to tell her that I feel like I am a boy trapped in a body that I hate, so I came up with a lie and answered, "It is easier to be a boy on the internet. People say that when girls play games, they can't be good at it and I don't want to be judged." she nodded, and left. Since then, she never asked me again.

    On June 30th, 2016 I was ending primary school. (In Czech republic we have 1st to 9th grade primary school, then four years of high school, etc). In my class, there was 6 girls, including me and 12 boys. Our teacher said, every girl has to wear a dress on the last day of school. When I heard that, I started shaking and I got so scared. After the class ended, I came up to my teacher and told hear straight up that I am not going to wear a dress. She looked at me and allowed me to wear a shirt and some black trousers. I hated that teacher, but I am really thankful for what she did.

    Today, I am 15. First year of high school started a month ago for me. I chose to go to an IT school as I was always interested in computers. Now the hard part comes in. This school is one of the best in my country and I was lucky I got accepted. If I come out to my parents and if I start the transformation, I would have to leave the school and leave my dream. There is no way I would be able to continue in the school. I have no friends there, I dont talk to anyone at all, but I am happy for that.

    Now, I am sure that there is something wrong with me. I am almost 100% sure I am a FTM transgender, yet there is this little part of me, doubting myself. A few times a year, there is a day, where I completely feel like a girl. Its really rare, but it is there. I do not know what to do with my life. I do not know who I am.

    I feel like I need help. Past few weeks, I can't sleep. I cry at nights because I just don't know. To be completely honest, I want to be a boy. I know I am a boy on the inside. Yet I doubt if I should tell anyone.

    Thank you to everyone who reads this.
     
    #1 Confusedperson1, Oct 6, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2016
  2. CuteChloee

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Malta
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    I know the feeling... like you know that you are different yet your mind still denies it ... I'm going through the same thing..(except the part of ftom I might be an mtof)

    Anyway first of all there is noting wrong with you.. Yes you are different then your everyday guy but you are still normal.

    Second of all. Why do you need to leave the school to starts transition ?

    ---------- Post added 6th Oct 2016 at 11:01 AM ----------

    I highly recommend you going to youtube and seeing a youtuber named Ty Turner..
    Although he is an ftom(And i might be an mtof) He stilled helped me out

    https://www.youtube.com/user/partar400

    I hope it help you a bit at-least.
     
  3. Confusedperson1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    czech republic
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I suffer from severe anxiety and I am really scared about being judged. I can barely bring myself to speak in front of more than 5 people, there is no way I could ever undergo transition and tell everyone in my school.

    But you know, anything can happen :slight_smile:

    I'm gonna watch some of Ty's videos, thank you for help and suggestions :slight_smile:
     
  4. CuteChloee

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    56
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    Location:
    Malta
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    I'm probably going to sound like a sour puss right now ...

    But the truth is that... transition is a tough thing.. you will be judged.. but people are assholes and that is fact.. they will judge you either way... if its not your gender identity then its your sexual orientation.. if its not your sexual orientation then they will find something else.. at work I was bullied and called I was pregnant since I am a bit chubby.... it hurt me ....

    But don't give up on your dream.. neither of them... Grow the courage to do both.... I know you can....

    i'm an extremely shy and sensitive person... thanks to working as sales person I have grown.. more confident .... time will make you strong and experiences will make you stronger.. I know it sound cheesy as fuck but it true...