I don't think I could be a girl.

Sorry you feel that way but honestly the first steps towards anything can be smaller than you think! And even if you think it would be too stressful to transition fully, having support online for that side of yourself can be really helpful if you just have friends / a group who calls you by who you really are regardless of how you look in real life.

Sometimes you can do little things to make yourself secretly feel better too, like wearing "girls" underwear or socks, or tights under pants, or a bracelet or something, or painting your toenails if you wear closed-toed shoes a lot.

Also, have you considered non-binary gender at all for if you don't feel like you fit either categories entirely?

 

Don't stress out too much. Give yourself some breathing room and let the answers come over time.

 

Hi Ramlethal,

"I wish people could see my as girl but I find it hard to see myself as one. I don't want to force someone to call me one online or anywhere."

It's up to you what pronouns are applied to you. You wouldn't be forcing anyone here to call you anything, we would just respect your choice of pronoun. People who don't respect that choice would be the one's you might have to be insistent with but for now you don't need to worry about that. Just remember it is up to you what people call you. If you can't have that in real life then do it here.

However, you don't have to decide anything right now. It sounds like you are unsure about how to see yourself except that you don't want people seeing as a guy. Could you follow up on KipperTheDeer's suggestion about small acts of expression? It might help you feel better and find out what really fits your sense of self.

 

are you able to contact a counselor or therapist? they might be able to help you work things out, it helped/is helping me a great deal.

and if it helps you now, heres a big ole hug girl.(*hug*)

ETA: i present male 99% of the time, only fem in private, but i wake up every day and say good morning missy, or time to get up beautiful.... little personal affirmations are such a nice way to support yourself. IMHO

 

I know it may be sad to think that we can't be magically transformed into what we truly want and see for ourselves overnight, but that's no reason to give up on how you truly feel. If you're not comfortable doing small things publicly, have you considered making up a full looking outfit and maybe secretly dressing up in your room for a few hours or so? Or maybe you could meditate and imagine a peaceful world where you can be who you really are for a few hours, or play a game with a character that resembles how you wish to be. Sometimes doing things ritualistically can allow us into a headspace where we can feel in control of the negative feelings, and then be able to cope with "going back to reality".

I think another important thing to begin to think about is that it may be very scary to acknowledge your dysphoria and what you really want, and the more you begin to try and show yourself the worse you're going to feel at first, but this is a really important process in learning how to deal with these feelings rather than just keep yourself depressed and dissociated at all times. I'm reading a therapy book right now, and one of the instructions is to make a list of your 5 biggest fears, and then spend a certain amount of time every day / week (15 minutes, an hour, etc.) sitting down alone and thinking about why you're afraid of these things (such as, not being able to "pass", regrets with gender, etc.) and then once the timeframe is up you have to stop thinking about it and then go continue on with life. This allows you to have control over your negative feelings and be able to work them out without constantly thinking about them and having them overwhelm you

 

How big is this negative part of you? We all have yes and no in our brains. Sometimes we listen to the wrong one. If it's not safe for you to present as a girl, then don't do it publicly, but do what you can in private. As for other people seeing you as a girl, that's kind of a tall order. People are going to see themselves reflected in you for the most part and that means misgendering you and things like that. If at all possible, find people to be with who are accepting. Just as you shouldn't put too much weight into the negative thoughts, don't put any at all into the negative people. In short, unless they're a physical threat or have financial/legal power over you, the opinions of others don't count for anything.

But I do think it's very important to take positive steps, even really small ones. And talk to a mental health care professional, too.

 

It isn't wrong to be worried. And it seems likely that the negativity is your response to the situation and an attempt to suppress (not consciously suppress) your feelings that you think are problematic (hope that is accurate and hope that you realise you aren't the problem but the prejudice of your parents and community is).

Regarding trusting someone, you have a fair concern but that is why you will need to judge how well you can trust someone with knowing. You could also bring up trans issues in regular chat and just be like 'I was reading about this trans guy or girl and ... (insert comment)' to test their reaction without committing yourself to anything.

How quickly could you learn to drive? That might be the easiest way to gain some freedom.

 

It's never wrong to be concerned. But I think you need someone to help you work through some deep-seated negativity and self-esteem issues. Your concerns are valid, but so are you and you deserve every shot at happiness anyone else would get. It seems like you want to shoot down every suggestion to score points off yourself and make yourself feel more trapped and hopeless. That in a way can be a comforting thing because it then requires you do to nothing. Absolutely don't risk your safety or physical well-being but please find someone to at least help you deal with those other issues and the gender stuff might begin to fall into place. They might be something you should deal with a bit later if they cause stress and anxiety to confront now. Don't put that pressure on yourself at the moment.

 

I have a lot of dude bro tendancies still, but that doesn't mean I don't identify as a feminine woman.

You're only not something if you choose not to be.

 

First of all nice name, Guilty Gear is a lot of fun.

Second, I can understand how you feel. It's a really hard thing to deal with, just know that despite anything else you're loved and people will love you for you and not your gender or appearance. It can be awkward, because oftentimes it's being perceived as a male rather than actually being a male, you know how you feel in your heart but it's hard to reconcile it with your appearance.

I wish I had some magical thing I could say to you to help, but just know my heart goes out to you.