Jesus. My mum wants to have dinner, just us two tonight. I'm thinking it may be the only shot I have for a while to tell her without an audience or my little brother hovering in the background. Or her rat faced fiancé and weirdo kid. So it could be my chance. She wants to go out for food, so a public place could be good to temper any reaction. And I can just get up and leave if she gets weird about it. I don't think she'all believe me. She has this thought in her head that I've been broken by therapists that don't know what they're doing. Despite the fact that she encouraged me and my brother to see one when we were teens. I'm 28 years of age in a few weeks, I own my own home and have a senior job. Yet she sees me as confused as a child. Anyway, it could be my chance to tell her. Things are ramping up for me in terms of dysphoria and thinking about transitioning every moment of every day. Things are likely to change pretty soon.
Hi Kal (Love the pic btw), Sounds like you are independent enough to be able to leave like you say and you don't have to worry about financial issues. From what you've said it sounds like you are concerned she won't believe you - you may to have to reinforce things once you've told her. Maybe look up some of the letters people have posted about coming out trans - might give you some tips and structure what you want to say. I'm assuming that you have pretty much decided to tell her tonight. If so I won't be able to reply as I'm off to work but hopefully some others will be able to give some advice. If you don't, I'd be happy to discuss things further if you would find that helpful. I'd also be happy to discuss things about her reaction if you do it tonight. It is entirely up to you. I really hope it goes well. Wishing you all the best (and sorry if the advice is a bit concise).
Thanks for coming back to me. I didn't do it in the end because we got talking about something else equally important. Wasn't the right time to take over the conversation. I will bring it up soon, and I will source some direction on how to frame it. I think I need to be matter of fact and get the words out. I hope she'll react in a positive way. I need that.
Hi Kal, I hope you enjoyed your evening anyway and I hope you aren't worrying about not telling her. If you are resolved to tell her then all you've done is give yourself some time to decide on what you want to say and the key points to get across. If you want, you can set out what you want to say here and get some feedback if you think it will help.
Hey, I'm definitely going to tell her. I'm going to live my life as a man. My mother isn't bigoted or the like, just knows of my continual plight when it comes to depression and anxiety. I didn't have a great childhood, one that she blames herself for. So undestandably, she doesn't want my life to be anymore difficult for me. She will not reject me but I think it's going to be a long conversation, if that translates.
Hi Kal, If I read you right, your main concern (or one of your concerns) is how it might make your mum blame herself - something along those lines? If so then you'll want to emphasise how living as a man will make your life better and that this is something that is truly you. Some people on here have had material available for their parents to read through - mainly websites. Do you think you could get her to read some stuff on trans issues, particularly relating to the parents of trans individuals? It might also give you some insight into what you could say to reassure her and help her realise that this isn't someone's fault.
I hope things go well for you, I know my mom was the most understanding(even passively supportive) I'd say it would be a good idea to bring it up slowly, and try to calm her down if she gets excited(either positive or negative). If you have someone both of you trust that knows already then it may be a good idea to have them there to help defuse anything if something goes south. my brother didn't react too well, but my dad(who thinks I'm just confused) helped to defuse the situation and me and my brother get along again now, after that we both cried and had a group hug with all 4 of us.
That's very insightful. She will blame herself because of how she articulates her failings as a parent to protect me from what I witnessed as a child. I'm certain she will assess my being transgender as confusion stemming from my emotional challenges caused by a terrible childhood. I accept that I am not completely shaped by my childhood because I've grown as a person in the last 6 years. And that's a very good point, giving her some stuff to read for trans parents. She's well educated and gets stuff but she worries that I make my life difficult for myself because of my outlook. I guess I could be described as a manic depressive. I'm strong willed and a fighter but everything weighs on my mind. I have no doubts that she will not leave me or cast me out; she loves me and I know that. My hesitation comes from what it will mean to her. ---------- Post added 9th Oct 2016 at 05:05 AM ---------- Thanks for sharing that with me. She will ask me a barrage of questions, I know it. Thankfully I've already told one of my brothers and his reaction was happiness for me. My dad isn't around. My sister will accept it but she's young so will throw it in my face to try and win an argument in the future. My other brother has special needs and that will be the hardest, as he won't understand. I don't want to blurt it out to my mum and I want to tell her without an audience, which is hard to get her alone. I just feel like this is a very important step for me transitioning. The woman gave me life after all.
Hi Kal, From your last post I think there are two points then that you will definitely want to make. First, that you are not entirely shaped by your childhood. Maybe you could explain how this differs from issues relating to your childhood - I'm not sure how you would explain the difference but it might help her separate this aspect of yourself from the others. Second, that although transitioning will be attended by its own problems (i.e. possible discrimination) the overall result will be to make your life better - at this point you could state why this will be make you happier because you will be yourself and any other reason you have. Together these two points could form the core of what you want to say, maybe following on from informing her that you are going to live as a man? (I hope the phrasing is ok, I was inclined to 'that you are a man' but I guess as you are talking about a change in your outward behaviour I used 'going to live' - if you'd prefer me to use one phrasing over another let me know.) What do you think about having your brother with you or could you tell him what you are planning so he can help arrange a time for you to speak to you mum? It might take some time for your mum to come around but hopefully with some reading material and your explanation she will find it easier. Do you have any online trans groups that you have looked at? A quick google search threw up the Beaumont Society and Gender Trust - might be good starting places if you don't have any in mind. If you could find other trans individuals who have put their experiences of speaking to their parents online it might enable you to anticipate some questions she might ask.
Actually, I was wondering why you feel the need to tell her?? ... in my opinion..I just feel if she does not bring it up ...then why should you especially if its not affecting your relationship as it stands. Nonetheless...this is just my opinion...you know better as to why you want to tell her than I do ...so in that regard...Good luck...but I had to view it from another perspective and ask.
All of this is me assuming and she could totally surprise me! My brother did, I didn't expect the reaction he gave me at all. I don't mind the phasing too much, because I live in a state where my mind is definitely male but because of my body, it doesn't feel 'real'. Having my brother there is an idea because he can help the conversation along. I'll consider that actually, it's a good idea. I've started talking to a friend of a friend who is also transitioning and it helps. I would like to go to a group, but not in my area because the group that is in my area is too interwoven with my work (small world). ---------- Post added 9th Oct 2016 at 10:29 AM ---------- Because I one day want to be seen as a son, called by my chosen name Kal and referred to as a he. It'd be odd to transition without talking to my family first.
That's great that you are speaking to someone who is also transitioning - especially if you can support each other. Even if you just get to talk to them about what they've experienced it would be a help (and would provide support that those of us who are cisgender would be unable to give you). The group is also a good idea - I see you have put your location as Bath, in which case Bristol would be a good bet (unless of course that's where the group you work with is). I meant to ask, do you have a rough time scale in mind or do you want to have a plan about how you will approach your mum first and then decide on the timing?
I'm based about an hour away from Bath, I don't want someone putting two and two together before I'm ready. Just in case. But yeah, Bristol is about 45 mins away. I do love Bristol and going there to meet people like me actually makes me feel happy. I don't have many friends so having a mechanism to meet people is great. Funny you should ask actually, I decided to write a process to follow for my transition. I like having a plan and it will give me individual goals to reach. Once I tell my mum, I'll give her my blessing to inform the family. Following that, I'd like to change my name and speak to HR to see how they can support me coming out. I've also decided to transition privately because I cannot wait for the NHS to pull their finger out. My biggest concern is how I'll be treated at work. I know Gender is a protected characteristic by law but you can't haul people over the coals by a vibe or exclusion.
I'm glad Bristol will be a good option for you. Hope you find a good group there. Hopefully you will make some great friends who have gone through the same experiences as you. That's great, I was going to suggest something like that as a follow up if you said that you didn't really have a plan in mind. And going private you'll have much greater control over the timing. Obviously there will be some medical restrictions - recovery times and so on - but at least you'll be able to speak through a long-term plan with them knowing that they will stick more closely to it. From what you said earlier you have done some work with trans groups - so have the people you work with also done something similar? If they have then you could expect a much more positive and supportive reaction than if they haven't. Either way HR should be on the ball with what your employer's responsibilities are (if they are any good at their job). As gender is a protected characteristic your employer will have to be careful that they respond to any comments or harassment you receive at work as well as make sure that they don't discriminate against you on that basis. Again, a trans support organisation should be able to provide you advice on dealing with work and how to deal with legal issues during T. Btw way are also considering legally changing you gender under the Gender Recognition Act? No pressure to answer or decide, just wondering if you had thought about it and where you might see it fitting in if you had. Also, I'm going send you a friend request which you are free to reject but just to make it easier to get in touch or chat if you like.
I joined a trans group on Facebook so I could have therapy by a particular person at a reduced rate. My face is therefore know by this community, including someone at work who is trans. I know that being part of the community itself should provide some mutual confidentiality but people can slip up accidentally in conversation. I'd rather my colleagues and the hundreds of people I work routinely know before I'm ready to put my plan into action. I today found out who I need to talk to in HR to understand how they can support me. It's new territory for me and I need to know things like how best to let people know, use of toilets and so on. I already think I'll be using the unisex toilets at the front of the building (open to visitors) because I'm not comfortable immediately switching from the females to male toilets yet. I'm becoming less fearful about how people will react as each day comes. You know how you worry and worry about something until you physically have to shout at yourself to pack it in? That's the point I'm at. I'm done feeling exposed by it. This is my body and if I want the world to see me as a man, then that's what's going to happen. All I can do in the meantime is keep playing the lottery in hopes I no longer have to restrict myself by working!! I definitely want to legally change my gender. Without a shadow of a doubt. Has to happen. Not sure how that all happens but it's another thing to add to the list! Thanks for your understanding by the way, you genuinely seemed interested and want to help. Friend request accepted!
Hi Kal, I love how methodical you are. I get what you mean about people slipping up, it was one of the difficulties I had in coming out to friends - I was worried one person would tell everyone else. However, maybe you can find someone at work you can trust or maybe your colleague who is trans to speak to - they are likely to be much more aware of maintaining your confidentiality. Do you know how you want let people at work know, will you go through HR and get them to inform people of the change or do you have something else in mind? Great move on the unisex toilet and you can keep using it throughout your T and not have to worry. Yes, I know what you mean although I tend to have that with depression - I basically just get fed up with feeling like crap and tell myself to deal with it. I'm glad you are in a place mentally where you are ready to move forward - it'll make it easier to deal with any difficulties that arise (which hopefully will be minimal). Regarding legal matters, you will want to take a look at the Equality Act 2010 and the Gender Recognition Act 2004 at some point. I'm not a qualified solicitor but my academic work is in the law. These are the two main laws that will help you. The Equality Act will help you if HR or your employer are doing things improperly - you'll be amazed how effective can be if you quote a provision of the law at them. Hopefully you won't need it and if you get into any major difficulty you will want to get in touch with a practicing solicitor firm who specialise in transgender cases (you might want to look up a firm and have them in your contacts list in case). The Gender Recognition Act sets out the process for changing your legal gender to your actual gender (that is changing it to male). Read sections 1-8 and it will set out the process (basically you need a medical report to submit as evidence to the panel that approve an application). When you find a private gender clinic they should be aware of the details and/or be able to point you towards a solicitor (if you haven't got one already) to help you through the legal process. You should also be aware that you have to have lived as a man for 2 years before you can apply. I hope that is not intimidating or worrying - obviously it's a long process (both legally and medically) but your doctors will be able to help you through it all and of course you've EC here and you can message me whenever you like. I just wanted to give you the gist of the legal situation so you can factor it in - I hope I haven't given you any cause to worry. I am genuinely interested - not only are you about to do something incredibly impressive which demonstrates a huge amount of personal strength but you are very practically minded and have a clear idea of what you want to achieve. Also, going on my own experience with being happier with myself after accepting that I'm gay, I can only imagine what it feels like to be in your situation and, consequently, how much it will improve your life to be seen by others as a man. I'm glad I'm able to help.
Very kind of you to give me this information and confidence in me that I can do this! It's basically a bunch of stages isn't it? That's how I have to look at this, rather than being female one day and male the next. Because the process will take as long as it needs to and I should try to remember why I'm doing this, not how. But I know I can't wait 12 months before I see someone through the NHS, I need to get the process started now. I struggle to rely on other people and processes they are to follow. Such as the legal side of things and the medical. Putting my future happiness and life in another flawed human being's hands freaks me out. The possibility of being turned down terrifies me or the struggle to get what I need. Do you feel like everything in your life is a struggle? Like you have to fight tooth and nail for things, or argue the point, or kick up a fuss. It seems like every single interaction I have involves that. Especially with the depressive element, it can knock me off course for a period of time when it comes to my emotional resiliency. It takes such a huge knock. Anyway, tomorrow is another day. And I'm soon to be sat by a pool, drinking a mock tail with my feet up. When I come back I can start being more open about who I am.
No problem. I know what you are saying about relying on other people. The advantage you will have with private healthcare is that you can just drop them if you don't get on with them. But a professional in trans issues should be much more understanding and will know what the process is like. It is going to be a series of events (but not unfortunate ones) - each step will take you closer to your goal. The legal side of things is quite a process but for now focusing on getting yourself registered at a clinic is the first thing to do. They should be able to guide you through the process. Again you can change solicitor if you like. So while it might be difficult relying on other people, you can look for different people until you find some you can trust. You might also want to speak to your trans colleague or a trans group about reputable clinics and solicitors. (Is it mainly trusting someone else you are uncomfortable with or having to give other people some control over your life?) Yes, I sometimes feel like I'm climbing a mountain and only just managing to hold on. Other times I don't feel like that. Things have recently gone well for me and I'm worrying now that something will go wrong. Messed up right - I guess I've just gotten used to struggling through things. You might also want to consider seeing a psychiatrist to help you through it all - that will achieve two objectives at once, one you will have support through any depressive periods you have and, two, you will be able use them as one of the two reports you need for the legal process when you get round to it. You are off on holiday? That's sounds great. I think I've decided to go to Italy next year as it is a place I've always wanted to go to and I've never gone. Lame I know. Btw do you dress in a masculine way already (if clothing is an issue for you, I'm assuming it is as you want people to see you as a man). If you do then maybe you ramp it up, if not then maybe you can start. Just thinking about how you can start to present more as male without having to announce it to everyone - kind of gradually change how you colleagues perceive you. What do you think? Do you want to make a more marked change?
