HRT transiton to non binary male without telling family?

First a little background, some fears and concerns about transitioning, and then the main issue.

I was assigned female at birth, and I've finally realized I am a non-binary transman, after dealing with a fluid and fluctuating gender since puberty (I am now 25) meaning in my case that I would like my body to resemble that of a male's as much as possible, though I'm still unsure of top surgery, and I would like to have a more masculine voice.

I've been thinking pretty hard about taking low dose testosterone even though I'm intimidated by the irreversible changes I might experience on testosterone. The fact that individuals experience different changes based on their own body chemistry and possibly genetics makes anticipating my changes nearly impossible, and because I'm non binary there are things like facial hair and increased body hair that I would not want, although I've considered laser hair removal as a way to combat that. My father is unfortunately no longer a part of my life and has not been for quite some time, so I only have memories to go off of how his facial hair and body hair situation was, and from what I remember he was relatively hairy.

They say that male pattern baldness often comes from the mother's side of the family. My maternal grandfather was bald in his later years, those are my only memories of him, so that's intimidating. I really don't want to irreversibly lose my hair. The hair issues are really the things that scare me the most about T in addition to changes in emotional expression or thoughts. The other issue is fertility. I may not like or want my female parts but I have considered having kids and I wouldn't mind carrying them myself or being considered my kids' "mother" even identifying as male because my masculinity is more effeminate, thus the non-binary. Though kids and a partner complicate things, mostly due to how society would look at them, so it's mostly concern for putting pressure on them because I'm different. It's really just generally intimidating to navigate a hormone I've never really experienced, but that has the potential to give me everything I want simultaneously.

Before all of this though, I think going to therapy concerning gender would help, bouncing my thoughts and feelings off of a counselor or therapist, even though I've never been to a therapist in my life for any other reason, might be a good first step. This is also intimidating and makes me feel like something's wrong with me, which there is, but going to therapy seems to create such a negative connotation surrounding it in my head. I'd like to get my natural testosterone levels checked. My digit ratios suggest higher testosterone exposure in the womb, with my ring fingers on both hands being longer than my index fingers. (I've been skeptical of the validity of digit ratios but it seems to check out on Wikipedia.) My female body already has low fat, a high metabolism, and seems to develop muscle relatively easily in spite of the fact I am not a very active person (unfortunately.) I'm hopeful that this means I might only need a little bit of testosterone to balance me out, but of course I won't know for sure until I'm checked.

I'm living and working abroad right now, so it will be a few years before I start the HRT process, which will give me more time to think everything through.

The main issue is that I'm wondering if it's possible to transition with hormones without coming out to my family. I don't see my family that often, as I live my own life and am pretty independent, but I'm sure the changes would be noticeable and difficult to hide when I do see them, especially my voice if I talk with them on the phone. My parents are unfortunately very ignorant and conservative in their views towards gender, I've heard them express disgust towards transgendered individuals and also sexual identity, they think homosexuals are unnatural etc. I also don't think they would understand the non-binary part at all, so they would likely want to put me into the male box (lol) if they were ever able to accept it, which is not accurate, and I would more than likely chose to marry a male partner, so I guess that would classify me as homosexual, but if they don't understand my identity they may just think I'm a tomboyish female still? Lol Idk, but my parents have also been friends with people who are at least homosexual, so there is this potential possibly for exceptions. But at this point I don't know and I'm afraid of rejection, though more than that I'm more concerned for them, especially my mom, and hurting her. I'm her only child so I feel like it makes the situation even more intense, but on the flip side because I am her only child maybe she can accept me eventually. Coming out at this point though is extremely terrifying and complicated and I have no real desire to do it. This is my identity, I don't want to have to make everyone else in my family have to deal with it.

Any thoughts, advice, suggestions, or similar stories? Sorry for the novel.

 

Thanks for your similar story, it's always reassuring to know that I'm not alone in these thoughts or feelings. I've been thinking harder about how my family might react. Because of my own situation, I would likely accept my child regardless of their sexual or gender identity and allow them to express that freely. Unfortunately my parents seem to be from an older more close minded generation and it's hard to gauge what they would think or how they would react. My cousin who is female was dating a woman for several years after previously dating men, and while of course sexual orientation and gender identity are not the same, they seemed to kind of look down on her or think of her relationship as being something somewhat invalid or unnatural. Based on that, if I came out to them they would likely react in a similar way and maybe act as though I'm invalid, but at that point I would probably already have started HRT. Like you mentioned though, the gradual process of non-binary transition may make it easier to hide in my case lol, so maybe I could simply avoid coming out as long as possible. I really just don't want to deal with the drama.