So...I got a haircut and it's just like 1 or 2 cm too short to look kinda good with my (sadly feminine) faceshape. And now I'm doubting again and it's really annoying me. After 10 years it seems like finally everyone even my classmates have somehow accepted the fact that i won't run around in dresses and make up and have stopped the condescending comments. A while ago my father ( who is probably still secretly waiting for me to come out as trans) commented that now that my brother has repeated a year we two could wear matching suits at graduation and I was just really happy and relieved that I won't have to convince everyone for me to get a suit, that he understood it. I mean I'm at the point where I always wanted to be in live and then something as silly as a haircut that will be grown out in 2 -3 weeks throws me off track again and makes me doubt on whether maybe i should just try going femme again. I know that i can't be feminine I've tried and i just can't do it and wearing girl's clothes just makes me miserable. I know that and still these thoughts keep coming back over a fucking haircut of all things. All these butch women in the media where I usually think "finally someone who's struggles I can relate to" just make me think "god what is she thinking wearing boys clothes and acting like a man? Doesn't she realize how ridiculous she is?" now.....it's just why are these thoughts there? I know who I am and I know that I can't change who I am and usually I'm really happy with who I am and then those things happen....I just don't get why I'm still so negative about myself sometimes when there is noone else telling me there is something wrong with me anymore. Sorry..this was really rant-y and uncoordinated....thanks to anyone that read it anyway I guess.
I'd say don't force yourself with anything. I have recently become comfortable with dresses and the such, after like years of not touching one, I even have a suit, a trouser suit. I used to be very, very uncomfortable with feminine clothing, so I get completely where you're coming from. Don't force it. If you are about to like it someday, you will be willing to do it yourself. The second thing is... the "you're just pretending". I dunno. Just be yourself. And you're wearing garments that help you communicate something. That's no big deal. You wear something dressy to a job interview or family Christmas or to a date in order to communicate that you care. You wear black to show mourning. You wear colourful stuff to show that you're happy today. You wear your school's hoodie to show you belong there. It's no big deal, everyone does it.
It sounds to me like you've internalized a lot of negativity towards masculine women, and feeling insecure about this new change may have brought that out. It's pretty normal, and it doesn't mean you should force yourself to be feminine if that's not what you want. Give yourself some time to get used to having short hair, and see how you feel. Maybe you'll decide short hair isn't for you (you can be masculine and not have short hair), or maybe you'll decide you really like it.
Anyone who struggles with anything; has set backs or hiccups from time to time. That big of a life change can be a little overwhelming at times. I personally struggle with a way to short temper. It was bad enough I have now been seeing a therapist about it for a few months, and I have come a long, long way from where I was. But once and a while, something will come up and I just lose it. I know that's not the same thing, but thought if you knew other people where struggling with their own problems it might help. To me 1 or 2 cm doesn't sound like much, but I also know that other things that you might find small or silly are what set off my short temper... So I understand the reason behind your reaction. Halloween is coming up, maybe some hair dye might be a short term solution until your hair grows out. Or get some hair gel and do a different style. Maybe you could rock a Mohawk like no one in your school has. Probably not awesome advice, but if you at least smiled or laughed, than my work here is done. Just keep hanging in there, it will get better.
@shorthaul yes it made me smile, good job Thanks to all of you for taking the time to read and write that out. I'm feeling better now btw.
