Questions about dysphoria?

Hi, so I know this is going to be kind of short but I expanded on more personal details involving some of the nuances of this over in this post. ...

I'm really questioning my gender right now alot and have been for the past year and... sometimes I just feel like I'm lying to myself because I don't fit some kind of correct trans experience since I feel more nonbinary / agender / genderfluid... but anyway I was just wondering if any of this sounds like dysphoria? Because I'm not sure if I experience dysphoria or not:

• I've kept my hair short all of my life (I'm 19 now) and naturally look pretty androgynous actually. When I tried to force myself to get used to it being long I just felt really empty and emotionless and not like myself. Now, whenever I feel that its starting to get too long, I get really anxious that people will immediately assume Im "too feminine" or immediately mark me off mentally as a woman and I can't look at myself in the mirror without feeling like my throat is closing up and I need to chop it off immediately so that I'll look more androgynous / masculine.
  
• my mom made me take birth control once for about 4-6 months and the whole time I was on it I was petrified that my breasts would grow a lot. I would inspect them every day and be worried if they seemed bigger at all. I've always been small and I felt like my naturally androgynous figure would be ruined and people would just immediately assume I was feminine/female if they could see them. I eventually quit taking it because of this fear. Other than that, my body doesn't really bother me how it naturally is.
  
• I've had episodes questioning my gender where I just will feel like the dichotomies / the views in my head of male and female will seem really severe in everything that I do...like I'm thinking / saying "Boy? Girl? Boy? Girl?" Over and over in my head, making me dizzy...
  
• My Dad has always treated me sort of androgynously. I feel the most comfortable around him in large family situations that would usually just cause me anxiety (like my sisters trying to get me to join in on doing stuff with them makes me sad because I feel fake doing that) because I feel like we're the same He expects me to do things guys do and be strong, but still treats me like a girl. Sometimes I wish he would apply more male gender roles to me so that I could "prove myself" to him as an equal.
  
• There are days where I like being complimented in feminine ways, and some days where being called a "girl" or a "chick" feels like somebody punched me in the stomach. Sometimes I'll think about it for hours.
  
• I'm starting to have days where I feel dissociated referring to myself as my birth name (not Kipp) because it feels too feminine for me. I like feminine pronouns though.
• The other day one of my favorite "guy" shirts shrunk in the wash and the shoulders ended up being a bit too small on me (literally less than half an inch, but I noticed). I took this waaaaay out of proportion and cried for like an hour because I was convinced that now I just "looked like a girl in mens clothes" and everyone would think I looked fake or stupid. It makes me sad to think that even if I feel like I look masculine, most people will just assume im a girl. It makes me feel better to convince myself I look slightly different based on how I feel even if in reality I don't.
  
• When I was younger, I detested how "girly" girls acted (like using flitty hand gestures and tossing their hair back and stuff) and in order to get away from people seeing me that way I used to try and mimic guys, like I'd toss my hair back without touching it and wear it down in my face, and slouch my shoulders more and walk with my hands in my pockets so my waist would look lower. Sometimes when I'm feeling more masculine, my boyfriend even notices today and he tells me to quit mimicking everything that he's doing, which I wasn't even aware of that I was doing.

So yeah, can anyone relate to any of this / does this make any sense? Does this sound like dysphoria??

 

I think its hard because I feel they're very closely intertwined in a lot of ways...
For example, I've begun to notice that I almost never use gendered language when I refer to myself privately, and I've gravitated towards having friends that do mostly the same (ironically enough, many of them also happen to be LGBT). I never understood why I felt so out of place naturally amongst other women until I thought maybe it was because of how they unconsciously referenced me in association to themselves, as though we were somehow immediately similar in a lot of ways just because I was apparently a woman. For a long time I just told myself I was weird or antisocial, because when I grew up I often was outcasted and told that I just didn't understand how girls were supposed to act or I'd get called a lesbian for looking really androgynous. Initially when I was young, this offended me greatly because I didn't understand why how I was expressing my gender was a correlation to my sexuality- even though I didn't yet understand it was about my gender myself.

I think what took me a while was...realizing that being referred to in a feminine way all the time just made me feel...nothing? Empty? Like it didn't apply but I just accepted it. I was always told to be very proper when I was a child so I sort of adopted this personality up until recently to always do as I was told and stay true neutral in all thoughts and action- because as long as I feel nothing, I'll never have the ability to feel bad.

But now I realize I do have a choice and a lot of things have just made me feel nothing. I don't feel right as male either, but I would rather just nothing apply to me if that makes any sense. I think most of the time I must just feel very agender? Because I just kind of feel like all of it is a big charade or a performance, if that makes any sense.

 

I understand what you mean. There are many ways I relate to men and I think most of the reason I choose to go towards that route in expression is simply because I don't want to be seen as a woman. But in the end, I was raised a woman and still also relate to many women in many different ways, and I wouldn't choose to transition physically because I understand a lot of things are easier for me socially being seen as a woman (even if I just appear to be a very androgynous one) in terms of roles that I wouldn't want to challenge. It all just comes down to how it translates into society, and in the end because of how I feel it really wouldn't make much sense for me to try to act inherently one way or transition fully to another, because they would both come with different pros and cons in a way. I've even thought about times where if I were born biologically male, it probably wouldn't matter that much because I would still feel exactly the same as I do being female, so I guess for me personally physical dysphoria doesn't have a large play into things except for how others view me based on my body- but because of how I feel, I don't see one way more correct than another, they all come with cons. If there was a way to escape it all and just be a "person" then perhaps I could be content hahah.