So, first off hello! I stumbled across this place, and would appreciate a second opinion on what I'm going through. I've been questioning my gender for awhile but never researched into being trans or transitioning properly enough to say for sure that I'm trans or not. I'm a 19 year old who was assigned female at birth. I grew up in a place where everyone was cis, transgender people just weren't heard of. I first learnt about trans people when I was 16 or so, and it was only a few weeks ago did I sit down to actually learn what makes a person trans, what dysphoria is, etc. and how do I put this? It was like a lot of things I've experienced now made sense. I grew up with my brother and my parents never forced anything on me as a kid. Loved video games, hated skirts and dresses and always related more to male characters on tv shows/films - all typical tomboy stuff. I never questioned my gender because I didn't know I could. I always felt like I was different somehow, but being a kid I never put much thought into it. When I was around 14, I started getting into the internet. A hobby of mine is drawing so I signed up on this art site. When I did, most people referred to me as a guy and used he/him for me, despite having it clearly on my profile I was female. It felt great though and I was pretty happy about being called a boy. So much that any account I made from there on, I set my gender as male. It just felt right. I first cut my hair short when I was 17, the hairdresser cut it a bit too short and even before looking in the mirror, I knew it was perfect. I felt like I finally had started to make progress towards my true self. Here's the weird bit I suppose, my parents showed me this photo of me they'd taken a few years ago awhile back. I had long hair and looked female. But I didn't recognise myself. I had to ask out loud, "Is that me?". They responded by laughing; I've been told I'm a bit spacey and out of it so for them, I guess it wasn't a weird thing for me to say. My name's the same, it always feels like it's meant for a girl and that it isn't actually mine. But it is the name I'm known as so I had to accept it. As for my body, I'm not fond of it. I'm 5'1", a C cup and have an overall body structure labelled petite. It makes me very uncomfortable just knowing I have a body that is viewed as female. As mentioned above, with long hair I can barely recognise myself. My chest is also uncomfortable for me to the point where I'm on the verge of a breakdown just wearing a bra. I've wanted a flat chest for as long as I can remember. As soon as I learnt about top surgery and going on T, I was ecstatic. With them I know I can finally have the body I was meant to have. I am neutral about my genitals, however. I don't exactly want a penis but a vagina isn't great either. I'm not a sexual person so up to now, it's been something I can ignore. So in short, yes I hate my body as it is now. Transitioning seems like my one true calling in life. I'd love to change my name and gender marker legally. All this could point to me being trans but I guess I'm just scared. Scared I'm making this all up and I'm actually cis. Scared that I'll never pass as a guy. I do suffer with anxiety though, so I'm not sure if that's what causes these thoughts or this is normal for a trans person. Or it's a bit of both. My family are laid back for the most part but every now and then they slip in the odd homophobic/transphobic comment so I'm not sure if this has an effect on these thoughts too. Therefore I'd like to ask, do my experiences sound like a confused cisgender woman? Or do I come across as trans, and this is relatable to you? Cheers, even if you don't respond. (Funnily enough, I haven't typed cisgender on this laptop before so when going to add it to the dictionary the only spelling 'correction' that came up was transgender, haha).
Let me be honest and state my opinion, but know that in the end only YOU can know whether or not you're trans FTM. To me a lot of that sounds like gender dysphoria. Also your thoughts on T and a double mastectomy are very unusual for a cis woman. That last sentence strikes me the most. Generally no cis women fear that they won't pass as a guy, unless they're dressing up for a play or something. I still fear that I don't pass as a guy, and I only do that because I want others to see me for who I am. If that's what's in your mind whenever you have such thoughts, then perhaps you ought to start exploring your gender a little further, as you are now. Keep in mind that not all trans people are binary, ie. FTM and MTF. There are points in-between (eg. agender, transmasculine). You may also want to explore a glossary of transgender terms, since the fact that you're neutral about genitals may point towards you being not quite trans male, but somewhere in-between. Gender is a spectrum. Transgender is an umbrella term. And under that term is dozens of possible gender identities one can identify with.
Well I can somewhat relate to you but not fully.. The reason because I'm an Mtof.. (I prefer the term girl but yeah) Like I personally never had hate around my private areas.. Like If I do transition.. Most likely I will get bottom surgery.. But simply Because I WANT TOO not because I need too.. Which is different.. because when you have Strong dysphoria.. it pretty much a pain to deal with .... What actually is helping me accepting myself is this: I simply say that I'm my own person.. I'm not like other trans out there... Like my cousin is hard core diva (Saying this with all the respect to her).. Like She is diva.. but I never consider myself as like her... I'm noting like her.. Nor honestly do I want to be like her(With all due respect to her) Nor am I like other trans people out there.... and I'm happy with it .. Like There are trans that don't even transition.. Whole some transition yet still wear the of there birth gender... There are also crossdressing Ftom (Which I just read about ) Basically everybody is different.. Don't be afraid to be you.. So basically be you... if you believe that you are guy then you are guy ... I hope this helps.. Anyway if you do need someone to talk to .. I'm here just contact me via my wall.. I know its not the most private area but it will do if you ever need someone to talk to..
You're saying all the things that would point to being transgender, in my experience and opinion. You've consciously gone through the different elements of not liking your assigned gender, which is actually huge in terms of acceptance. I differed in the fact that I grew up in a different generation and felt a great degree of shame for not wanting to be female. I think if you wanted these things in isolation, it would be more a grey area as to whether you're trans or not. But you - 1. Want to be seen as male 2. Wonder if you'll pass 3. Like the dramatic change between what you perceive to be female you to how you present now 4. Not a fan of having chesticles My deciding factors were similar and I guess I've been transitioning sub consciously for 5 or so years. I only opened my eyes to it this year in terms of acceptance. My advice would be, don't go hard on yourself when it comes to shame or self loathing. You are who you are for a reason and this is your journey. I would also say speak to a therapist to help you arrange your thoughts; try and find a specialist in the gender field. And, if you do want to transition, I would advise talking to a close fried or family member that you're sure will give a positive reaction. This really helps knowing you have an ally who may support with other tough discussions. I'm yet to completely come out so I can only advise so far, but there are loads of trans youtubers that will have videos on this stuff. Search for Ty Turner, Uppercase Chase and Aiden Dowling, among others.
