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I don't know.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Khai, Oct 10, 2016.

  1. Khai

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    I guess when we are young we have stereotypical colours given to our gender. Blue for boys and pink for girls. When I was young I used to love the colour pink. I would never not wear it. I always wore dresses and ran around with a unicorn toy.

    I just look back on those days and cringe. I've gone to an all girls school my whole life and I never really thought about my gender identity until recently. And I realised... I don't want to be a girl but at the same time I do. I want to be a boy but at the same time I don't. I guess its Genderfluid?

    The thing is I go to a school that is entirely girls and most of us board. I still have nearly two years left to go. I can't openly express myself this way here because it is so strict. The school itself is very old girl orientated and they come back for stuff all the time. So when I leave and come back... I feel like I'll be hated on or not be allowed to come back if I come back to an event as male.

    Its all jumbled in my head and I haven't talked to anyone about it at all and I am still questioning it myself. I love wearing makeup sometimes but others times I just look at it like "Why the hell do I use this?". I'm not too concerned about coming out. Once I come out as Bi I'll probably come out as Genderfluid as well if I still feel this way. I know my family wont like it but meh.

    I guess I am just a weird person. I guess I just want to hear some people who can give me some advice or be able to say they feel the same way. I would love to be able to chat to more people like me.
     
  2. SkyWinter

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    I'm the same as you, though I'm biologically male. There are days where I feel entirely male. Sometimes I don't feel male at all and am much more comfortable presenting female. Not just the clothes, but the secondary sexual characteristics of women.

    I'm also bi like you.

    So yes, there are people like you, and no you aren't weird.
     
  3. DoriaN

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    Remember, gender expression is separate from gender identity, as a boy or a girl you can like makeup or whatever colours and such. I knew a guy that was very much a man, was shorter and smaller as a person, his favourite colour was hot pink, and he had a hot pink truck. I think almost everyone goes through feelings of more masculine or feminine some days, or some feel indifferent to such things and don't care one way or the other.

    If you feel like your body is bothering you or you have dysphoria that's a different case, but it is true transitioning is one of the hardest things a person can do, and it all depends on what you need in life to survive and succeed.
     
  4. EverDeer

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    If I may ask you, do you wonder if any of these feelings have arisen due to your personal growth and the fact that you have been forced into a very rigid female box for most of your life?

    What I mean by this is, you've grown up with a relatively universal, unchanged experience. Goto school with girls, always given "girl" things and clothes, made to know exactly how to fit into this "girl box". Now you are growing up, almost out of school, and you realize you were never allowed to experiment. But I just want you to realize that the rest of the world is not even that rigid! Its okay to not like makeup and skirts and girl stuff and still belong, you don't need to be a cookie-cutout.

    However, I am by no means trying to diminish your experience or say that you might not be genderfluid / nonbinary. Like Dorian said though, expression and interests are different than gender identity. But, your own personal experience of gender identity can be influenced by how rigid your ideas of gender is, and in your case it might be that way too! You can still like makeup and be a boy! And just because people think you look like a cis girl and you conform and wear makeup and stuff doesn't mean you're a girl if you don't feel like one!

    In any event, I encourage you to explore and allow yourself to feel all that it is that you feel, and don't feel shame for it. Think about if roles bother you more than the aspect of being referred to as and grouped in with girls or how your body is. Imagine scenarios where you can experiment, or find secluded times and places to experiment with expression. Maybe try keeping a log of times or things that make you feel like a girl or a boy or both or neither. You're not weird <3
     
  5. Khai

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    I think it may be a part of the reason, I've grown up only knowing about this sort of stuff and sometimes I want to be like it and other times I don't. I mean it keeps turning on and off and on and off and I don't know what it is or even if it is anything. I have never been that close to the "girl" orientated side of things ever since I hit double digits and have only really noticed that I am leaning more and more towards wanting to not be a girl. I have longer periods feeling like a boy then I do feeling like a girl... sometimes I don't even feel like either. I honestly don't know and still am thinking things out.
     
  6. EverDeer

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    That's okay though! Maybe just take some time to think about it and relax a bit, don't try and define your feelings too hard, just let them come and go. Personally, when I first started questioning, I just thought I was a demigirl and that my feelings were never fluid. Then, the more I started thinking of myself as less of a girl, the more I sort of allowed it to fluctuate. Now I find its fluid between sort-of a boy and sort-of a girl, and fluctuates- sometimes I feel like both, neither, but mostly I settle on agender! Remember also, just because you're feeling comfortable with your birth gender or things associated with it some of / most of the time doesn't mean you're faking it or lying to yourself about how you really feel on other occassions when you're not comfortable!
     
  7. Khai

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    Small update.

    I talked to two of my friends about it and they understand really well. I am really thankful that they have and I am happy that they know.