For most of my life I've suffered with depression and loneliness untreated because of bullying, discrimination, obesity, my parents, and my sister. It got really bad when I was in middle school when my parents outright deserted me and took the side of my school and decided that every false thing they said was true. I spent sixth grade constantly being harassed by school officials and my parents over things that didn't exist or never happened. Or things that actually happened that they said didn't happen. Getting a Para after a kid tripped me and broke my thumb was heartbreaking because I found out that he wasn't there to help me with my book bag, but he was there to monitor my school work and everything else a Para does. Seventh grade was rough right off the bat with me having a hard time adjusting to a new Para. Then I decided to do exactly what the school said to do, be more social in class. That meant that I yelled jokes in class and called out things just to say "screw you" to my school. Evidently, that didn't work out. A few things I forgot to mention about sixth grade was that I spend three hours talking to the middle school principal and she called my mom the second I left and said that I was skipping class in her office and that I was making outlandish claims and that I was mentally disturbed. Funny enough, they believed it. Oh, and they also said that the fact that I had a wheelie-bag at my age was a problem. I guess the five other kids whose parents were on the PTA didn't get the same memo. But all of middle school was hard. Academically and mentally. I struggled with school work and my school was a college prep school so I was doing high school work in fifth grade. Almost every day in seventh grade I came home crying. Most of it was because my day sucked and I got yelled at by my mom over nonsense. The biggest bombshell was when my parents pulled me out of school one day saying I had a doctor's appointment. When we pulled up to a neuroscience facility, I said that I would never trust them again. I had to go through months of mental tests, blood work, MRIs, etcetera. Each time I had to sit in a waiting room filled with people I didn't belong being equated to. And each time I was treated like I was severely handicapped. Imagine finishing a tough year of school by going to a nice place where they treat like shit every day. I got tired of it. I had developed a lot of anger and sadness. That's when suicide started to pop in my head. During that seventh garden year I had contemplated suicide as a real way to end my pain. I got as far as writing a suicide note, hiding it, then sitting in my bathroom with a knife in my hands. I calmed myself down and talked myself out of it, but the motive still remains. I have nobody to hold, I have nobody to hold me. I have no companionship, I only have friends who know select parts of me and who I'd never open up to. There's alway something blocking me from being open about things. That's why being in counseling in school doesn't really do much for me. Anyway, eight grade happened. Nothing much happened except a hurricane that destroyed much of the property my mom grew up on and where my grandparents lived and where my aunt and uncle currently live. I remember learning about that storm and knowing how lucky we were that it didn't hit nearly as hard as it should of. I remember actually wanting damage done to my house because it would force change and may be temporary displacement would be good for us. We'll my pool got hit by a branch. For the rest of that school year, I managed to survive despite constant harassment and negativity. My sadness only grew worse though. In the end, I went to a dinner dance where everyone pretended to like each other and have fun and I got a blank piece of copy paper with a ribbon on it at graduation. I received my report card, a certificate of merit, and my diploma on the last day of school. Despite all the torture and suffering that school caused me, I told my Para to wish everyone a good summer as I walked out the door. Despite my school's PTA fear-mongering that all other schools were bad, and my parents constantly doubting me and yelling at me, I went to the high school of my choice. Which just happened to be the same school my sister went to. She was a senior and I was a freshman. Despite having a rocky history with her, it still made me feel better when I saw her in the hall. In high school, I study film and media. Since I've been in high school, I've been very successful. Academically. I've already got enough credits to graduate and I'm still in the first term of my senior year. However, nothing good I do goes without my parents taking credit for it. I graduated eighth grade, they took all the credit and said it was all them. They claimed responsibility when I started succeeding in high school. Apparently getting pushed against walls, yelled at, and slapped all the time helped me succeed in school. And it did, that motivated me to rise above my family and the abuse, I've been motivated to forget my past and move on, and I like to think that I'm stronger than my parents and my old school by a long shot. Now as I prepare for college, I'm more stressed than ever. I had my first anxiety attack at summer camp, I've started crying and feeling emotional again, I puked all over myself in class last week because of too much medication. Hell I even feel cold where I never used to. On a thirty degree day I could wear a windbreaker when I was in middle school. Now I wear like three layers. But the point is that I'm a broken human being and old emotions and internal conflicts are coming back. Being Trans hasn't helped that. My sister doesn't care anymore, and all coming out to my mom did was make things awkward. If and when my dad finds out he'll probably disown me. I feel ugly and fat all the time, I'm unmotivated, I don't want to do anything, I always want to be left alone, I feel sad and lonely all the time, I feel rage, I feel indifferent, I feel like my body is freakishly huge, I feel I may never pass as a woman or successfully transition, I'm scared to weigh myself, I constantly feel stressed and anxious, I force myself to be quiet, I have full conversationservice with my self, my only source of joy is watching YouTube and twitch TV, I feel incapable, I feel stupid, I feel guilt, I feel like I can't do anything right, I feel spiteful, and so much more. I'm a broken human being with no one to fix me. Why can't I have a girl to cuddle with who'll love me and I can provide for? Why couldn't I have been born a girl? Why couldn't I have been born wealthy? Why does my life suck so much? Why does life feel like a prison and I can't break free? Why is everything thing I say and do wrong? Why can't I have love? Why can't I have happiness? Why can't I live my life the way I want to? Why must I torture myself? Why am I here right now? Why can't I live in my own little fantasy world? Why must I be miserable? I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to college, I have nothing to live for. I'm pretty sure I have an eating disorder. I always feel like crap. I always feel dizzy when I move to suddenly. I have massive headaches. I have terrible allergies. I can't enjoy autumn or pets. I feel like nothing good will ever happen. I've been living this sad lonely life for a long time. Everything was fine and one day everything was gone. I hate life, I hate people, I hate drama, I hate politics, I hate abuse. I hate everything. And my life is nothing but depression and loneliness. I feel that there's always going to be an empty spot on my bed and an empty place in my heart. I can't stand life anymore. I don't want to die, but I also don't want to live. I can't even remember why I'm writing this, I've spent two hours typing this and I'm lost now. When will it end? When will I stop feeling so sad. Every day it seems that I have less and less to live for. If you took time to read this whole thing, I thank you. But now I'm going to try to go to sleep and wake up for school in three hours.
Hy, Wow what you're going through is tough. I can't imagine The extreme emotions you have felt in the past, and still feel. I don't know what to say, and I know there's probably not so much that I could say to make you feel better or pull you out from the way you feel now, but I really hope you could figure YOU out. Are you seing a therapist? They're professionals who could help you discover a lot about yourself. sometimes we are trapped in pain, anger, self pity, and we unconsciously just don't want to move out of it, somehow it could become a daily routine and being truly happy could be scary and somehow unnatural. Regarding your weight, do you want to lose? and if you do, what are your plans? I am also overweight myself and I'd love to lose some pounds too! I've recently started to eat more green leafy vegetables and salads. I am far from my target weight but as long as my sugar and cholesterol levels are normal, it's still safe. I don't want to lose weight drastically, it's dangerous. I have a metabolic problem, so I put on weight fast, I get disgusted with my body sometimes, but then we can do something about it in our own pace. Studies show that any amount of extra activity and hobbies we do could release endorphins(happy hormones) I'm sorry I can't be of big help to you. i wish you find your answers. When I was your age, I had those millions of questions too. I just acceoted we were'nt rich, I couldn't have anything I wanted but I had what I needed, food and shelter and education. The key to happiness is fulfilling our Maslow's heirarchy of needs. The main factors to increase our quality of life(happier life) include Mental, physical, spiritual, and socio-cultural,so if something is wrong with one of the factors, then it has an effect to other factors too. So we need to try and reflect on these, plan something to be a little better than where we are now. At the end of the day, we decide what we do with our own lives, it sucks but it's just how it is. You take care of yourself Natasha. Warm hugs, Hushhh
I'm really sorry that you've had to go through so much shit in your ilfe, and that your parents, who are supposed to protect and support you, turned against you and made your life even worse. I've also had a terrible childhood, although not as bad as yours, but I can partly understand how you're feeling. The anger towards people who treated you like crap, the anger towards your parents, the sadness, the loss... When you say that you don't want to die, but don't want to live either, isn't there anything you would like to be a part of in the future? It doesn't have to be a dream job, it could be something like volunteering for something or helping other people who have it hard? You could actually use what you've gone through, for something good (if you're into that). What about pushing yourself through college so you, one day when you're financially independent, can move away from your family, and just start over somewhere else? That thought has hit me many times. You should really talk to a psychiatrist about this, as I believe they'd be more to help than we would. Take care (*hug*)
Welp, I had a whole thing typed out and my computer decided to go back and I lost all of it. But let me try this again: I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner, I feel very guilty and self-conscious about this post and I've been looking at it and trying to forget it. I'm just too reserved for my own good. The second I release something, I automatically regret it. But thanks for the kind words, and know let me try to respond since I forget how to do almost anything on this site. Hushhh: I am not seeing a therapist, I know I should but I just don't have the confidence to go see one or ask my parents to take me to one. They can be very insensitive and would probably reject any attempted conversation. Oh, how I try so hard to avoid everything and how my parents are jerks most of the time. I'm in a counseling group, but two of my friends are in the group. I don't want to open up and screw up those relationships and stuff. I just can't break this shell around myself, and I end up hating myself for it. I am a very broken human being. I need help but I just can't get it. Especially where I live. There's a lot of rejection around here and unfair judgement. Knowing my luck, some neurologist would have me admitted to a mental hospital over my feelings and have me drugged up and locked away. Regarding my weight, I'm grossly obese. I'm at the point where my health is sinking like a brick. I feel sick everyday, I have high blood sugar, I have IBS, I have asthma somewhat bad, and I just feel like a hideous blob of incompetence and incapability. I weighed around 287 last time I weighed myself around late August. I'm scared to go on the scale and see the number. I'm very depressed by my weight alone, and my parents don't help. Especially my dad, since he invalidates anything that isn't extreme or that he can relate to. My mom keeps putting off scheduling an appointment with a nutritionist I was recommended to, and that doesn't help. I'm also pretty sure that I have binge eating disorder. I eat almost nothing, then I eat half the house. I always feel hungry or full, it's weird. I am so messed up. I feel nothing but disgust for what I look like and what I do. I hate myself alot. It's made me very vengeful and aggressive. Fortunately I have a lot of self-control when it comes to my emotions in public, but the thoughts are still there. You're right, I guess I do have what I need. And thanks. I really do need warm hugs. HuskyLover: There's lots of things I would like to take part in. But there's the roadblock of my parents and my community. My main wish in life is to be there for other people and to help other people. I want to give hugs and cuddles to all people who are like me, sad and depressed and faced with chronic loneliness. I also want to help save lives and protect them. When I'm on my own, I'm definately going to try and do more and get out more. But my laziness will kick in with my depression and my strong avoidance behaviors and through all that out the window. I also don't feel that I could be very good at a lot of things. I almost never feel as if I do things right. One thing I love besides other people who are similar to me, is pets. I love cats and dogs. I want to have cats and dogs in the future. However, I'm allergic to pet dander. I want to get allergy shots to hopefully combat my pet and seasonal allergies, but my parents don't want to do that. I also want to get my vision corrected surgically, but that won't happen because of my parents. I do want to be independent, but there's no way I could survive. I wouldn't be able to afford anything, and I'd probably tank in school if I tried to support myself. I've often thought about going through child services or declaring me self independent, but I'm too old for child services and I probably wouldn't qualify for FASFA as an independent. So, none of that would work. At least probably not. I want to go off on my own and go to college and stuff, but that probably wouldn't work. When I go to college I'm going away from my family and I'm going to try to transition and live on my own. Either way, with or without my parent's support, I'm going away to college and probably won't go back. My parents are the major roadblock of everything. I also blame them for a lot of my problems. I know I should see a psychiatrist about this, but as I said above, I just can't bring myself to do it. Thanks again for the kind words and everything, now I'm going to try and think positive and cuddle my pillows and sleep. I hope everything will work out in the end and I'll be a very happy girl someday. PS: Kind of a weird question, but would this hairstyle in dark brown work for me?
That is horrible. I can't begin to say I know what you're going through, though I did actually have a para all throughout elementary school and middle school and didn't even realize it until I was older. I always thought it was a little suspicious they paid so much attention to me, but I didn't really question it. I thought they were just teacher's assistants?? And I am perfectly intelligent and able. I may have had a spot of childhood AD(H?)D, but otherwise fine! Also, I can relate to the home life. Feeling like the scapegoat, the somewhat abusiveness from parents (just my mom), but nothing really serious enough for anyone to do anything about it. I have definitely been slapped and slammed against a few walls, plus things thrown at my head, hair pulled, scratched, etc. My mom was kind of a bitch. And now I am 24 and relatively happy. I am on T, I am engaged, I have FREEDOM, I'm about to graduate from college, I have a bit of money...A dog a cat...My point is, being a teenager sucks, especially one that isn't necessarily successful or impressive to adults. But being an adult is awesome, so suicide would only guarantee you never get to taste this sweet sweet freedom. Oh I just remembered you are allergic to cats and dogs. Maybe get an aquarium. I have three. Turtles and fishies galore. It will pass for the most part. Also, I love the hair and I think it would look great on you. And on a slightly different topic, I've seen your pictures on here before, and regardless of your weight, you are cute and I think you look pretty girly, so at least there is that. Try to get a part time job and save up. Even if you work fast food, maybe you can be a manager by the time you are 18 and get paid like 10-12 dollars an hour. That is not too bad. Get a girlfriend or a roommate and move out as soon as you can! Just look forward to freedom! Good luck! <3
