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How do I figure out if I'm trans or "just" qenderqueer?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by BlueSuede, Oct 11, 2016.

  1. BlueSuede

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    Ever since I can remember I knew I was different from other people. Like "the core of my being"-different. Especially different from other girls (I was born female). My whole behavior, way of thinking and my interests have always been more "dude-ish" and I could never really relate to all this "girl stuff". When I was a child, other girls my age would pretend to be housewives who were cooking and caring for their baby doll - while I was never interested in such games. Instead, I had exciting adventures with knights and wizards and cars (aka the stuff boys liked to do). At the same time, I was really into Barbie - however, my Barbies were never mothers or doing boring girls stuff. Instead, they were fighting crime while being sexy and hot. (It shouldn't be a surprise that I ended up being a great fan of "Dead or Alive"...)

    Anyway, there are more examples, like the times when we would all dress up for carneval and every girl wanted to be a princess, while I was always the only one in the picture who dressed up as a witch or vampire. I was also utterly uninterested in make-up, ponies or fashion. Long story short, I alienated my fellow female peers to the extent that I didn't have any female friends during my childhood or teenage years and even now, with 24 years old, I still have trouble befriending women. However, I was always quick to befriend guys - I could relate to them and felt much more comfortable in their comapny. At some point, people started to refer to me as "half a dude". But here's the catch - only half. People still perceive me as a woman and my face and body are quite feminine as well, which doesn't help. In the end, guys still think of me as a potential mate and I hate it. I consider myself pansexual, but when it comes down to plain appearance, I'm way more into women while I'm pickier with men. I usually don't like straight cis-guys anyway, while I'm really turned on by guys who identify themselves as androgynous or bi.

    A little while ago I came to the conclusion that I'm at least genderqueer. I never felt like a woman, I never wanted to be one and even the thought repels me. A few weeks ago, a friend of mine tagged me in a Facebook post which said that we could all be proud to be strong, beautiful and independent women. Even though I know that she meant well, I almost cried upon the thought to be perceived like this - strong and independent, great, but I couldn't bear that all of this was linked to being female. This actually made me wonder... Am I trans? So lately I've been thinking a lot about it... Somehow I would really love to be a guy. When I watch straight porn I also always imagine myself in the position of the man. But at the same time, I don't really want to change my body. I know these surgeries are extensive and stressful and risky. I suffer from a chronic skin desease which already causes me enough pain, so my main wish in regard of my body would be to finally have healthy skin. So maybe that's the reason why I wouldn't wanna go through even more medication and procedures than I already have to.

    I'm sorry, this is a freaking wall of text. I'm just really confused and I don't have anyone to talk to. I'm barely out as pansexual and only two people know that I don't feel like a woman. I'm afraid that people won't believe me when they see my feminine appearance. Even when I wear guys-clothes I still look pretty feminine and due to my skin desease, I have to wear make-up as well (which I hate...). Since a while now I try to change my look to a more androgynous one, but all I achieved was "casual sporty girl". I fear that I will look stupid claiming I'm actually Ftm trans. Can you look androgynous and keep your female body and still be a man inside? And how do I find out if I'm even trans? Sometimes I think I'm just genderqueer leaning towards masculine. Then again I think maybe I am trans and this is the reason why I felt so different all my life. Then again I fear that all of this is not true and just some form of depression. I don't know... Maybe somebody has some thoughts?
     
  2. Creativemind

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    Well, first of all, gender doesn't really have anything to do with gender roles such as girly or boyish things. In fact, I'm a cis woman and I acted JUST like you did as a child. I hated girly crap like pink, dresses, make-up, etc, but I knew I was a girl. Just a girl with different interests. To this day I have never worn a dress or make-up in my life.

    The bigger question is do you feel dysphoria unrelated to those things? Such as do you want male pronouns? Do you feel physical or social dysphoria?

    You can be a trans man who walks around with long hair, dresses, and make up and still be a man. It's just that it would make it harder to socially pass is all. So certainly you looking androgynous would have nothing to do with it.
     
  3. Mihael

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    I can relate to it a lot. My Barbies were spies.

    That's me, so yes you can. I personally wouldn't call it "FtM" but genderqueer.

    I think it all is a complicated question that should be split into a couple of separate ones. Like who you feel you are, how do you feel about it, how do you want and choose to express yourself, in terms of body or gender roles. What do you like, feel comfortable with, and what you don't, what you can change and what not. With feeling who you are it's like... you just know it, and you recognise it by claiming it against all odds. It's a gut feeling. But what you do about it is up to you. I also have a gut feeling to live as a woman, besides the gut feeling that I was meant to be a man. It's existential questions.
     
  4. BlueSuede

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    I don't really care about grammatic subtleties such as pronouns since I think it's an worthless effort and people will always talk by guess and by gosh. However, now that you mention it I always felt like my name (which is a classic timeless female one) doesn't belong to me. Like somebody would call me by my name and it just felt so detached from it. Maybe this has something to do with it?

    Otherwise, could you be more specific about what you mean with social dysphoria? I do have trouble socializing with other women, because everytime I get to know them, I just get reminded again and again how little I can relate to them. I always feel like I rather perceive them from the perspective of a guy. And in regard of the physical dysphoria: As I mentioned before, I'm chronically ill so I'm just really focused on that. Besides I often wish I had male genetalia but maybe this is just curiosity?



    The problem is that I've been struggling with depression since early childhood - I had to work through some traumatic events and I think I have pretty much overcome all of this but I still struggle with depression from time to time and my therapists never quite figured out where it comes from. I just feel so different, that somethings wrong, that I'm not the person I'm supposed to be but I've never been able to put my finger on it. So now I think maybe it's because I'm trans. But at the same time the therapy pretty much destroyed my abilty to believe in myself and to trust my own judgement because they always said that it all came from the abuse I experinced in my childhood. So now I'm afraid my feeling is just some form of coping with trauma. How do I figure this out? :frowning2:
     
    #4 BlueSuede, Oct 14, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2016
  5. EverDeer

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    #5 EverDeer, Oct 14, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2016