Feel like I dont fit in anywhere right now...

I can relate to this, I do this too. I don't feel like my personality is any different though, I feel like even as a trans person my personality would be the same, it's more the social discomfort of being referred to as female but simultaneously not wanting to do anything to change that because of social stigmas against trans people and what they are perceived to be. I just want to exist and be my non binary self and for that to be ok, but it seems to cause a lot of discomfort in the people around me and no one knows what it is or what to do about it. It's weird.

 

I absolutely relate to this. I was assigned female at birth and whenever I meet new people (most oftentimes with cis women this happens) I feel myself slip into this avoidant, fake version of myself that is basically just me hyper-analyzing and reacting to them in a way that I think is stereotypically "correct" for a woman to do, or proper woman behavior. Like I'm able to read and react to everything perfectly, like I trained myself sort of, but its just like a mask. I think I do this though sometimes because I'm scared of what they'll think of me and I just want to seem like a likable person. This is especially bad because I can tell sometimes if I'm "not acting the right way" people think I'm being aloof or rude to them or that I am acting fake- but I'm not! I'm genuinely trying really hard to be myself! I think this is a trait of highly empathetic people- at least that's why I think I do that because I'm a pretty empathetic person.

Like, usually I act fake and expressive and girly at home with my mom, but if there are days where I'm trying to be my true self and not acting like that, she acts confused and taken aback by everything I say and says "stop acting so fake all the time". It can be really hurtful because of how people view you without thinking about who you really are.

 

I can relate to this as well being genderqueer, but not presenting as so. Though for me, I've come to accept my body as is and the fact that it will be gendered female, maybe on the rare occasion male. I have no desire to get surgery or go on hormones to change my body to be more non-binary, I have no desire to change my name or pronouns either. I'm also probably clinically depressed and have been for two years so that's also not helping matters. I always try to be myself, as a genderqueer individual even with people who don't know me, but to me I feel like everything is fake anyways: the standard "hello, how are you" "good, how are you" crap. I really hate social etiquette and small talk. I do notice that sometimes I am more masculine with certain people and more feminine with others, but I haven't really figured out the pattern of this, but it seems to have something to do with whoever I am talking to. There are days where being gendered grate on my nerves, but those days are few and far between. As I said, as I have no plans or desire to change my body, I'm going to be gendered by others.

 

This is pretty much what I'm going through right now. I don't fit in anywhere, not truly. I get that same feeling when I hear male pronouns. Kinda sucks, don't it?