It got better

Update.

So for those who don't remember it, or parhabs I didn't say it clearly, my mom was shocked when I cut my hair short. My whole family was shocked. I have always been a good girl. A good student. I'm not the crazy type. She made hell about it, she told me I'm crazy, she was very uncomfortable about strangers thinking I'm her son, or the fact that I look and behave like my dad when she met him. She cried that I cut my hair off. She told me she feels like she lost her little daughter. (And found my boxer briefs - tragedy)

I mean she knew for a long time already that I have a somewhat manly style, and I've been dressing like that for a couple of years already. And that I tend to have manly pursuits. I have always been a quite "hardcore feminist" type. But I didn't look ambiguous.

Anyway, I managed to explain to my mom how I feel. I didn't use the word "trans", nor did I pull out that I feel like a man, but I managed to make her understand. How isolated I feel from people I identify and could make friends with. How normative dating disappoints me, frustrates me and basically turns me off. So... Now she's scolding me for for using eyeliner and nail varnish. :lol: And tells the other women in the family that I'm not going to grow my hair out again. So after giving me a very hard time (very), my mom turned out to be rather supportive.

As for other things... I began studying in a new place and the topic is so male-dominated that it hurts to look at that. More often than not I'm the only female present. No, gender was not a factor for me. The other women aren't very interested in talking with me because from many angles of looking, I look like a dude, and I think it's pretty clear that I'm not gender-normative.

Where do I go from here now? Anywhere I want, I guess. Dysphoria is a thing of the past, or something that appears rarely when someone makes one assumption too far. If you're struggling now, how long it already lasts, there is a chance that it will get better, there is light in the tunnel, no matter how hard it seems right now. I'm telling you that because I saw no light in the tunnel. Some two years ago, I had a problem called "I dislike being treated like a woman", and now it's solved, because it's hard to treat like a woman someone who doesn't look like one. Heck, even dating is fun. I finally feel like myself and find people who accept me for who I am. It finally feels... real and normal. I'm living the strange reality of being stuck in between, where you're getting openly asked whether you're a man or a woman from time to time. I left my name as it was, and pronouns too, just not to make any more fuss, and because it doesn't bother me. I no longer stress over who I am, because I think I understand it. And I rock androgyny, because I love fashion. I even dress femininely sometimes, and feel good about it (just... I need to have trust for people in front of whom I'm doing it). I think I still have a lot to learn from my strange situation.

Have a good day.