Hi, I've been questioning my gender for a few months now and I'm still not sure. Originally, I thought I might be genderfluid because I enjoy being mistaken for male among other things but, it just didn't seem right. So, after a month or so of trying not to think about it, here I am again, with what may be a realization. When I kept thinking about it, I always knew I was biologically a girl, that's how I was born. However, I don't think I've ever felt like a girl. I have been looking around the internet and most people say they "feel" like the gender they identify as but, I don't feel that. I don't feel like any particular gender, in fact if anything, gender and gender roles frustrate me. So now, I'm thinking I may be agender. Does anyone have any similar experiences? I would appreciate the input.
Cispeople tend not to "feel" gender as most have never had people go against what they internally are, and thus never had to question it. Gender roles have nothing to do with gender identity, apart from those directly linked with sex characteristics (such as giving birth or not). Although I'd say gender roles (women having to do the house work because she is female, and men having to do the income work because he is male) annoy most people, regardless of a/gender. Is there anything within yourself that makes you feel uncomfortable with being seen as female? And anything within yourself that makes you feel comfortable with being seen as another a/gender?
I don't really like presenting as female although there is not much I can do about that at this point. I do know however that expression and identity aren't always related. I feel like I don't really belong to the female group and the thought of not having a gender, is appealing.
What is appealing about being agender? In terms of yourself personally, being asex and/or society. If someone was to refer to you with a gender-neutral name and ''they'' pronouns, would that suit you better than what you have now? If you were to present in a way that others would see you truly as agender how would that make you feel? What makes you dysphoric towards having physical female characteristics and being seen as female by others? What area(s) of advice or steps would you want/want to take in order to decrease dysphoria?
Being agender would definitely be preferential towards family to stop the comments I get when I cut my hair or wear more masculine clothing. I also think that gender neutral pronouns would be preferential. also, I dislike my chest and felt very comfortable the times I did bind. I think I would be very happy if I was to be perceived as agender, I think I do appear fairly neutral now. I don't like that by being a girl it is assumed I am weak or inferior. I also prefer short hair much better and will be able to cut it soon but as far as appearing agender, I worry my face is simply to feminine.
Not all women are perceived as weak and inferior, especially the ones who prove that they are not. Most feminists do not like the assumption of personality/physical strength based on gender. Do you want to remove the assumption as you believe it simply to be untrue, or would you like to remove the assumption so you are not seen as that? Do you want to remove your family's comments due to stereotyping and their perception of females; or due to the fact what they're telling you to stop doing matches your internal gender; and by asking you to stop they are asking you to stop being what [gender identity wise] you are? Contouring can help with the face, there are some tutorials on youtube. If you want to cut it, I would go slowly, and adjust the style as you cut it. Short hair doesn't always equal neutral-looking. I have been told to avoid a buzz cut.
I believe that each person has a varying personality and some women have less aggressive personalities. I also believe I don't fit the female stereotype but this may be due to my disagreement with gender roles. And as for my family, most of what they believe is based on stereotypes and they don't agree with when I dress how I feel comfortable such as in my brother's shirts. For the short hair, I've had it as short as about two and a half inches but I'm thinking of trying a pixie cut next time I can cut it.
When you say you "don't fit the female stereotype" do you see that as going against the stereotype of your gender, or something else? If your family were to accept you being comfortable in your brother's shirts, would this affirm your agender identity, or affirm your disagreement with gender roles? What, other than gender expression/roles, would make you happy about being perceived as agender?
I actually didn't even think of not fitting the female stereotype as not fitting my genders assigned stereotype. I just thought of it as another category I didn't fit into (such as being a smart blonde). I think if my family were okay with me wearing my brother's shorts it would be about gender not stereotype. For example when I cut my hair they all said I looked like a guy and I didn't see why that was a bad thing. As for the gender roles, I was like the man of the house growing up but when I moved in with other relatives, my entire family no longer were okay with me doing "male" things like moving boxes, cleaning the garage, mowing the lawn, or fixing things.
When you say "out to a few people" do you mean sexuality or being agender? If you mean about being agender, how did they take this and how did their response make you feel? Just to let you know, the ''gender'' part on your profile sill reads ''female'' so you can change that in settings if you want. In terms of a/gender identity, how did it make you feel when your entire family were no longer okay with you doing ''male'' things?
The out status refers to sexuality. The people in my family who are okay with my sexuality don't understand gender so I can't really discuss with them. It upset me when my aunt thought it was weird I knew someone irl who was genderfluid. And as far as not being able to do "male" things anymore, it really made me upset. I was sad because I felt like they were underestimating based on something I didn't choose and angry that they made such a big deal out of it.
Have you tried to discuss it with your aunt, help her to understand people who are genderfluid [or any other NB a/gender or trans people] more? Some people can't understand it as they weren't brought up in the generation where it is discussed, but discussion can help them with that. Could you clarify what you mean by ''something I didn't choose''? Thank-you. Are you in a position where you could prove them wrong anyway? ---------- Post added 17th Oct 2016 at 10:50 PM ---------- Sorry, it's almost midnight where I live and I need to go to bed now. If you reply then I will in the morning. Hope you have a good day.
Well I tried explaining genderfuidity to my aunt but she didn't really get it and she is a very gender role conforming person. I've tried bringing up gender a few times and she seemed not comfortable with the idea. And when I said something I did not choose, I was referring to my born sex. As far as proving them wrong, I'm still capable of all of the things I used to do but they just don't seem willing to let me do them.
Thank-you for confirming that. Is there anything else in related to being agender you would like to mention or question you would like to ask? Gender, or lack there of, is something that really only one can determine he/she/themselves. We can help you, but only you can work it out for yourself since you're the only one who fully knows what you're going through.
I don't think I have any other questions. Thank you for taking the time to respond, it was really helpful talking to you.
