This might be a really long post so if you decide to read it all, I applaud you. lol. Well I recently joined empty closets to help me get closer to answering the above question. I came out as a "lesbian" when I was about 15 or 16. I'm 19 now. Lately, I've been fighting a losing battle with anxiety and depression, as I am in college and the stress of not knowing who I am added onto school stuff is really kicking me while I'm down. I've barely made any friends while in college, as I feel I don't fit in with either cis guys or girls. I always feel like the odd man out. I've known from a young age that I've always felt like a boy and wished I was born male (I'm biologically female) however I'm not sure if hormones is right for me. Sometimes I feel comfortable and confident in my skin, defying gender roles. Sometimes I want to get on testosterone right away. Does this make me gender fluid? Maybe I should try testosterone to see if that'll fix everything? Have any other trans guys or gender fluid people experienced this? I just don't know who I am and I have no idea how to go about finding myself.
One thing I will say is that hormones aren't something to take lightly, nor something to "try out" to see if it helps without sorting out your thoughts and feelings out thoroughly first. A lot of changes are permanent and those can sprout up within the first week of starting. So if you realize it wasn't the right choice for you, those can't be reversed. I would say give yourself time to figure your feelings out. If all else fails, maybe see if talking to a gender therapist will help.
I definitely agree with Daydreamer. Hormones are a big choice and they're not the sort of thing that you should take while still questioning. Make sure that it's what you want - there's a healthy level of doubt which is to be expected, but you should be at least somewhat certain and not thinking "Maybe I want this? Just in case it helps?" because if you realise that you are not male, or not masculine non-binary, it could cause you more problems. Get yourself reasonably out of the questioning stage first. Feeling not-completely-horrible in your skin doesn't stop you being binary trans. Dysphoria and such isn't always at the same intensity day in, day out. Changing levels of acceptance over what your body looks like can be an indicator of being genderfluid, but most trans people of any gender identity do not experience constant crippling body dysphoria at the same intensity at all times, so I wouldn't use it as the sole indicator. Keep in mind that feeling masculine =/= being male, and feeling feminine =/= being female. Would you describe yourself as being male or being a boy/man at all times, even when you don't necessarily feel discomfort with your body? Or at the times where you don't feel discomfort with your body, is it because you are thinking of yourself as female or a girl/woman at that time? Or are there times where you would say you describe yourself as a mixture of male and female, or something in-between/separate from male and female? That's generally what would make someone genderfluid, though of course all people have different experiences of their gender identity.
Definitely don't jump in too quick. I'm not starting anything for at least two years, when I'm done with community college. After that my plan is to move away and attend a 4 year college(I'm thinking West Coast, like Cali), and then begin transitioning once out there, as I won't be coming back and will be away from my family, so they can't stop me. I figure if I still want to by then, I'm absolutely sure it's the right decision for me.
This makes me think you might be a trans guy. You could be genderfluid, but remember that having varying levels of dysphoria (i.e. having good days and bad days) or having a changing desire to be masculine and feminine doesn't mean your gender is changing. The others that said that you shouldn't take testosterone lightly are correct. Some of the most obvious effects of testosterone (voice, facial hair) are permanent, so even if you change your mind, you won't be able to reverse those effects. Facial hair won't grow for about a year, but your voice can start to change pretty quickly on T, so don't start testosterone unless you're sure you want these changes. Also, you can't be a lesbian and a trans man. You can be a dysphoric lesbian or a nonbinary lesbian, but if you're a guy, you can't be a lesbian (by definition). If you can see a therapist to help you figure this out, that's a great idea. If not, my main advice is to give it time. Try on labels, pronouns, and names online and see what feels right. Trying binding (safely) or packing if those things interest you. As you try more things and see what feels right and what feels wrong, it'll be easier for you to find the right label.
Thank you so much for the replies, you have no idea how much talking about this helps me. I've been leaning more towards thinking I want hormones lately... If you want to know more of my background, I discovered the word Transgender when I was pretty young, even before coming out as a lesbian. (I never really came out as lesbian, I just started dating a girl. People say they always knew) I saw it defined as "a boy being trapped in a girl's body" and I immediately thought thats me. Well fast forward a few years to high school, and I'm dating my first girlfriend and starting to accept my new found label as a butch lesbian. I cut my hair short and my mom finally let me shop in the guy's section. I was happy and thought I'd found my niche. Then last year, my freshman year of college, I began experiencing depressing thoughts and social anxiety, guys made fun of me for being a "dyke", several girls did too, and I wasn't making any new friends because of my fear of being judged or feeling uncomfortable revealing my gender. Either people thought I was a young boy, or they didn't know and acted weird about me. I transferred to a different school in the city, thinking it was just the conservative small town location of my old school that was the issue. The school I'm at now is much more accepting to the LGBTQ community, however these feelings of depression and social anxiety have returned. I'm not looking for that one answer here because you guys don't know me personally. I just needed to vent this, get all of this off my chest to someone who understands and is willing to listen. I've been trying to hype myself up to go to the therapist on campus, haha. If anyone has anything they wanna add to this please feel free and know that any input is immensely helpful to me.
We're here for you if you have any questions or need someone to lean on. If you're looking into finding a gender therapist, I'll throw some links up if you're interested.
