It's my birthday today...

And I feel weird knowing this is going to be the last as a perceived female. Not remorseful but odd that a big change is coming and it's going to impact my life monumentally. I'm becoming less fearful of the reception I will get as days go by and I almost don't care about the reaction I will receive from my mother. Things are a bit strained anyway so I feel like she doesn't deserve the measured and lengthy conversation I was going to give her. Part of me just wants to inform her and crack on with it.

I'm 28 now. And I have very little by way of true support. This has been the status quo for all of my 20s really. Kinda sad. It's normality for me, not being invited to things, those that drink preferred over me, me being seen as a stick in the mud, weird, odd, serious, loner etc etc. I don't try and talk to people because more often than not, they aren't interested in what I have to say. They just want to talk at me. I used to say to myself "friends will come, in time you will have a friendship group again" and "your family will consider you a little more, they will ask how you are instead of just for favours" but this hasn't happened. I started out, for at least 5 years, really trying my best to make friends and be important to others. I truly didn't think that this would be my life at 28. I thought I'd be sound by now.

The plan must go on, I will continue to sort my affairs, apply for a working visa for Canada or similar and will experience as much as I possibly can. With my dog by my side, my house rented out, I will do this. Realistically, I have 2 years to get this off the ground. I will transition, feel like a man and will go out into the world in search of life experiences. Because if I have to live my 30s like this, I may not make it to 40.

 

Thanks! It was in a thoughtful mood. I don't know why but 28 felt like such a huge milestone because of how close I am to 30. Legitimately an actual adult now! Or that's how it feels at least!