Very likely to be trans, but figuring out things after that

Hi all!

Had this been about a month ago I'd probably be asking if I was transgender. The likelihood of that is so strong that I think I'm just acknowledging that I don't fully, if at all, am able to identify with the sex I was assigned at birth. I'm AFAB and 23 years old. Which for a little while I somehow thought was too old to figure things out.

I recently discovered more about gender and trans men and I realised that a lot of things were relatable. I found myself researching heavily and the more I did, the more I had to admit to myself that I'm not delusional. I thought I was having a breakdown.

I was very much unaware in that I didn't know it was uncommon to daydream and feel like the opposite sex on the inside. I can remember for a good few years there's been very strong moments of dysphoria (I was unaware at the time).

For me, it's been the disassociation I feel around women. The disconnect when people use female pronouns, which now I'm aware, has worsened. I almost have to remind myself they're talking about me. I dress as masculine as I can to avoid feeling dysphoric. My chest at times makes me uncomfortable and I feel like I have a negative relationship with it.

I attempted for so long to do the things typically expected of a woman and didn't realise how uncomfortable it made me until recently. It was tiring me out and I realised I was done. And I feel better for it. I also didn't how much I disliked being treated like a woman in all respects.

I look forward to dressing masculine, to have people perceive me as male and be treated as one. I feel like this is something I need to experience for myself. And I feel euphoric when I imagine myself as a guy, cooler in fact. I think I always have. At a young age, I thought about what my name would be if I was male. This didn't even occur to me that I'd clearly thought about being a man.

I'm trying to find terms that fit me. I think transmasculine seems to be fitting as my energy and inner feeling is mostly male. And I don't mean in just my gender expression. It's been causing me issues with processing my emotion. I've always been holding back things in fear of not appearing feminine. Or too masculine. But it has been easier now I've embraced my masculinity.

I'm hoping to see a gender therapist soon to work things out. My only thoughts are. I am hoping to wear new clothes, bind and potentially pack. These are things that are typical of FTMs so I'm trying to figure out. If I'm willing to go that far, I don't know what the difference between me and people who identify as FTM? I feel as if I am not manly enough, especially in terms of how I look and that I still act somewhat feminine.

Any thoughts on this would be great!

 

I think it's hard being in limbo. I do not present as I want to, I'm not physically the guy that I envision myself as. It feels stupid to tell people, I really want to be a man when on the outside I look like a young woman who is a tomboy. I feel that I don't loathe my body and want surgery and testosterone right this second. Although I do think about these things. I suppose, I am still accepting that I am trans and the discomfort of being in a biologically female body.