Well, this weekend I went camping. It was a nice trip, cold and it poured rain for most of Saturday, but it was nice. I won't go into details about the location so that I cam remain somewhat anonymous. I don't want people to know where I am/ if there's any chance someone who knows me is on here they can't out me. Anyway, it was near the shore and it had a very pretty view. I might even get a temporary job in that area in the next few weeks. I also managed to get water in my tent. It saturated my tent mate's stuff, but it only affected my phone. My phone was plugged into my portable battery in a zip lock bag (the phone was too big to fit, so I couldn't "zip" it) and it got wet. The bag actually had water in it. Somehow, my phone and charger wasn't affected. They actually survived being in a puddle. So, that's good. I like my note 3, very durable (especially for a phone I got pre-owned and gets the crud beat out of it). But, back to the point. I had an enjoyable weekend. I went with my dad and a group of other people. Several of them being people I grew up with or have known a long time. We got to see some sights, learn some SAR stuff, and laugh a little. It was fun, but only fun for my "biy" side. It was good for one small part of me. I felt a lot of disphoria and stress this weekend. I'm getting stressed out and my anxiety and nervousness is surging due to so many things going on. I got college stuff to do, I got my road test, I got to plan out a budget for college (a.k.a how I'm going to live economically), I got to get a job and make money, and some other things. I had a few issues this weekend too. I was too slow getting dressed and ready in the morning, I was very awkward, I'm not as strong as I appear, I almost never sat down to relax, I got so many aches and cramps. I also couldn't control my hair, and when my hair freaks out I feel sad and that it looks horrible and that I look horrible. I would look into the mirror and feel unhappy with the reflection. I always wear a baseball cap and that makes me feel comfortable, but it also makes me feel like I'm making myself look worse by wearing it. When I came home I had a terrible headache, I was feeling dehydrated and had cotton mouth, and when I went to take a shower I looked in the mirror at my body and I just felt terrible. I look like my midriff is grossly poking out from the rest of my body like an inverted hunch and my thighs are huge and my shoulderblades and arms look like their too big for my body. It makes me sad. I hate being overweight, I hate feeling sick, I hate feeling weak, I hate being a boy, and I hate how I'm supposed to be sociologically. Why can't my dreamland become reality? I just want to be a pretty, happy, girl prancing around joyously. But that just seems more and more like it's never going to happen. Also, this weekend was one of my last few trips I can go on with this group. I was a bit sad in that regard alone. But Saturday night we had a campfire, everyone went elsewhere after about twenty-thirty minutes. I stated behind with my dad to hang out with him. He started to feel sad because it was one of our last few trips together. I go away in a year, and I probably won't see him for a long time. Especially when he finds out I'm Trans. I have this funny feeling that he knows that when I go away, he won't see me as often anymore. He felt sad and he made me feel sad. I feel that he doesn't want to release me and my sister into the world yet, he still wants to hold us close. Despite how my parents have treated me and how they act, they're still very sensitive and we need each other almost like how the Joker needs Batman. I'm gonna miss my mommy and daddy. I'm going to miss my old life. I feel like I'm betraying them for wanting to leave and live my own life. This is now, when the time comes to leave it'll be rough. I need that human support and embrace, but I won't have it available to me anytime soon. It's really getting to me. I long for comfort and love, and once in awhile I get it from them. But what am I going to do when I have nothing and have to start from scratch? I'mean so lost and sad right now. I wanna cry. I need hugs. :icon_redf :icon_sad: :tears:
