So for the last month or so I have been trying to talk to people about my gender and all but one person I have told has said I'm too feminine which I know isn't how it works but they all refuse to listen to me. So today I found a cis male who is all the things they say are too feminine about me. I realized that one of my best friends is extremely feminine and no one questions it one bit. Everyone says I'm too feminine because I paint my nails and wear flower crowns and cat ears and I've noticed my friend getting his cousin to paint his nails for him and today he took my cat ears for half the day and wore them. It makes me really happy to find a cis male that is like me so I finally have someone to help explain how femininity doesn't make me less of a man.
My friend, I know what you mean. When I first started questioning my gender I really wanted someone to talk to and the only person I could think of was my brother. As it happen to be, we were watching a Youtube video that was explaining what transgender and intersex were so I manage to get the courage to say "What if I wanted to do that? To become a guy?" My brother didn't even hesitate in saying "I can't see it. You're to feminine." And that was like a blow. I'm actually not all that feminine. I am actually rather androgynous in my dress style and interests. But because I love Asian dramas and love stories I am feminine. Because he sees me as "sister' I am too feminine. Sadly that is how a lot of people are. I know several guys (straight, gay, bi, pan, ace) who like the same things as me but because everyone knows them as "male" they never question it. Meanwhile those of use who are male but introduced as "female" first have to work harder to prove we are man enough. I probably making no sense.
You are making complete sense. I've had conversations with people who say I'm too feminine and then they can't even come up with why I am feminine just that I am.
Anybody can paint their nails, but the vast majority of men don't, and a man who does wear nail polish would be looked at strangely. Do people look at you weird because you paint your nails? The same is true of wearing cat ears. A woman could wear cat ears all day, but most guys can't get away with that without being attacked for being gay or just a weirdo. So while these random behaviors have nothing to do with your internal sense of yourself they do inform the majority of people who you come into contact with how much you line up with things associated with gender categories. If you want to be seen as male, would you consider not wearing nail polish and cat ears, or is that a deal breaker?
I feel like it's already a struggle for cis guys to feel okay about being a little feminine, with the pervasive worries of not being a 'real man' shoved in their face.. But with FtMs the anxiety is 100% more real because it's easy to feel like your supposed masculinity is all that separates you from the billions and billions of female bodied girls out there. I dunno. Just my two cents.
It's such an unfair double standard. Feminine cis men are praised and encouraged to do their thing (aside from the bigoted asshats), but feminine trans men are told they aren't "real men". It's so screwed up. Plus, there are plenty of straight cis men that paint their nails too, so I don't get the hypocrisy again in telling a trans man they're "weird" or "not a real man" for doing the same thing. I say fuck them and do what makes you happy, because you aren't hurting anyone and conforming to bullshit hypermasculine tropes and standards is only screwing you over in the end, and will lead to unhappiness. It's unfair that people can be like that, and I'm sorry that people were that douchey to treat you like that.
I'm going to disagree with you. Feminine cis men are not praised and encouraged to do their thing. Maybe I've had a different experience, but no one encouraged me to do my thing. If anything I was looked at with scorn, laughed at, and condemned. Both to my face and behind my back.
There are some more liberal people who will encourage cispeople to be gender nonconforming if they want to be, but still don't really like the idea of transpeople. So unless a transperson is really stereotypical they'll say things like 'why don't you stay as the same sex then?' Because they don't get it.
I agree. Around here feminine sis men are treated like shit. My uncle's cousin looks masculine and ride a bike, but he also watches soap operas and cries at romance movies. He catches hell from everyone about that.
I'm a guy that paints his nails (well, top coat for now, but I definitely intend to go further later on), dyes his hair and wears some make-up as well. Gender roles are really effed up. Everybody should do what they want and identify as they feel on the inside. Just do you boo, don't let people get you down because of their narrow minded perspective. Surround yourself with people who accept and support you.
Personally this seems to be a reoccuring theme and I think the only reason cis people tend to tell you that you seem "too feminine" to be a man is because, sadly, until you've transitioned they still lack the ability to view that you already are one and I'm not necessarily sure they can change that perception (unless they for some reason have a lot of experience with trans individuals). I think its just best not to try and receive validation that way...almost all of my trans male friends are extremely feminine, which I think is in part just due to the fact that being raised as a female and being allowed to be feminine doesn't put so much of the pressure on you that cis men get when they're constantly told to "man up" and that being feminine is bad. So, just don't think too much of it I think its sad that people can't view you as you really are, but you don't have to be any kind of way to feel how you really are, and its great that you've found a friend who still understands and accepts you regardless.
