Ummmm. . . **EXPLICIT CONTENT WARNING**

Hello. . . I really don't feel too right enough in the mind to come out with a proper introduction to this thread. . . I'm a little drunk right now. . . but this stuff needs to come out. . .

At the very start of this year. . . probably April. . . I came out to my family as a man. . . my mum had previous discussion with me over the course of 2 years about me not being comfortable with my identity in more ways than one. . . this year I decided what was best for me. . . and I stuck with it. . . because it made me feel good. . . but after my first taste of exploring my sexuality. . . everything has fallen out of place. . .

It's not that I want to be a girl. . . the mere thought fills me with anxiety. . . makes me emotionally disturbed. . . and I cannot handle it. . . I tried living life as my biological sex a few times this year. . . months after coming out. . . it only sabotaged me with negative vibes. . . I felt physically ill. . . but I guess this now leaves you with one particular question spinning in your mind. . . why did you do it if you know it makes you feel bad?

The answer to that question leaves me with a dark pit in my stomach. . . I feel ashamed. . . there's a part of me that does not want to leave being "female". . . but only in the way of having certain body parts. . . being addressed with female pronouns. . . dressing in "female" clothes. . . but then. . . I don't want that to be permanent. . . those feelings aren't permanent. . . but at the same time. . . they're always there. . . and it makes me feel like I am lying about my identity. . . I have cut and burned myself over this. . . drinking myself senselessly. . . and all out of shame. . .

I worry that this will damage the trust of my friends. . . those who I came out to. . . those who accepted me as that gender. . . and that have made the choice to be there for me throughout this entire transition. . . but what will happen if this isn't what I want. . ?

Yes. . . I love the fact that I have legally changed my name to Daniel, but I cannot stop feeling violently ill over how I am with this entire situation. . . I can ensure you. . . I am utter scum. . .

I look at women, and I idolise them over their looks. . . someday wishing I could look exactly like that. . . but I am not a women. . . and that's not out of choice. . . I just can't feel comfortable that way. . . and I feel horrible because of it. . .

I want to make medical changes. . . changing what biology has given me down below. . . and my chest, too. . . but at the same time. . . I don't want it. . . I don't want to have beard stubble. . . I don't want hair growing out of my butt. . . I don't want to bald. . . I don't want to be oily. . . but maybe I want a low voice. . . maybe I want stubble. . . and maybe. . . just maybe. . . it might make me happier. . .

Socially. . . I want to hang out with the guys. . . I want to be seen as one of the guys. . . and it would make me happier. . . as it feels like the right peer group for me. . . not that there's anything wrong with the opposite gender. . . I like to hang around with them. . . most of my friends are girls. . . but then I can't handle it when I am ignored by the male peer group due to my biology. . . it almost makes me feel rejected. . .

Most of the time. . . I am perceived as female. . . because it is hard for others to see me as male when there's no physically change yet. . . I can't start hormone treatment for a while. . . it might be soon. . . but the complicity of the situation is making me nauseous in fear. . . I often wonder if I am mentally ill. . . that there's something yet to be disclosed about me. . . but I have been diagnosed a multiple amount of times. . . and all I have is anxiety and depression. . . I know that's all I have, too. . . because I once recovered from depression. . . and anxiety. . . altogether. . . and felt revitalised. . .

I don't know what is wrong with me. . . I am so ashamed. . . too ashamed. . . I just wish I never told anyone about my identity. . . despite it making me feel better. . . it only makes me a liar more. . . and that is something I would truly hate of myself. . . to be a liar. . . to become a liar. . . to become that mentally incoherent that I lose the trust of others. . . I am sure this could be a huge overreaction, but something tells me it is more than meets the eye. . . and I'm afraid of it all. . . because I can't live as a girl. . . but sometimes. . . just sometimes. . . I can't live as a boy. . . and can only be neither. . .

Also. . . when I mean sexuality. . . I mean that sometimes I can't tell whether I want intercourse as a "girl" or if that would make me feel bad. . . sometimes the thought makes me feel intrigued. . . nearly excited. . . but otherwise. . . everything freaks me out. . . am I a monster? Sorry if any of this was offensive. . . you needn't have the answers. . . it's okay. . . honestly. . . I needed to get this off my chest. . . before I off myself. . . which wouldn't have done much justice for anyone or anything. . . :tears: