Some of you may have known me as Seth Hope for a while, and then Lex and then just Seth and now Ollie or Seth. For my best friends I've been all of these too but for the general public (ie my peers) they've just known me as olivia for three years, and for the past few weeks as Ollie. When I told my best friends that I wanted to go by Ollie I honestly believed it was right but I think I forced myself to believe that because I constantly seem to be thinking about Seth. I found a letter that my friend wrote to me when I first came out to her and she wrote Seth Hope in it and I felt this ache, this longing about it. I chose to go by Ollie because it's easier for everyone else and easier for me to explain to those that I don't want to/can't be bothered to/too scared to come out to but maybe I was wrong. How can I fix this awful mistake without sounding like an idiot? Tell everyone - including those who mockingly call me Ollie - that actually I want to be called Seth? That it's not perfect but at least it's comfortable sometimes. The problem is that I get embarrassed when people call me Seth other than one of my friends, but written down its just so right. Does anyone have anything to say that might help me sort out my jumbled brain?
I have a good friend who changed his name about once a month for two years before finally settling on one that felt totally right to him. I believe society has created this idea that you constantly need to prove who you really are in order to be "right" and that anything else before that is just a "phase" that will constantly get held against you, but in reality, we just are who we always have been and always will be and change is just a marker for discovering that, it doesn't mean we've been "fake" before or anything like that. I believe if your friends are kind enough and supportive enough to be calling you Ollie and they truly care for you then they can make just an easy adjustment to calling you Seth if that's what you truly desire. If you're confident and sensitive in explaining to them how you really feel and how you just wanted to go by Ollie so it would be easier for them but have truly positive feelings for Seth, I imagine if they accept you then they will be flattered that you thought of them, but ultimately realize that this is your journey and its your feelings that matter most in this. There's nothing to be ashamed of in needing to discover something about yourself and finding a different path along the way, because that's what leads closer to the real you in the end. Also, if it helps I'm currently in a similar situation right now where just my online friends and two of my real life friends call me Kipp, but everyone else calls me by birthname (Katie). Sometimes it only bothers me when my parents say it, sometimes I feel its awkward if others call me Kipp because I feel like they're having to try too hard- but ultimately, it makes me happy and I just have to learn there's no shame in having to become my true self- everyone else just got lucky being born that way I guess hahah; I like to think it makes me more self aware that way.... (also, I've never seen anyone else who also identifies as demiflux!! Right on!! Don't know how to say it, but it makes me feel a lot more valid actually to know someone feels more specifically similar to how I do as well (*hug*) )
