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Why why why why why why

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Kal, Oct 26, 2016.

  1. Kal

    Kal
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    I'd got to a really good place. I'd accepted it. Started to get excited. And then I went on holiday for a week, come back and I'm fucking anxious. My insomnia is raging again and I almost had a panic attack twice. Thankfully, I'm used to what the symptoms feel like from my early twenties so I got myself back to a controlled point.

    I don't get where this has come from. I was great. Okay so I've never felt overjoyed about coming out at work but I had reconciled it in my head. Perhaps I saw the holiday as a line in the sand and it felt like I had an age to prep myself. I've contacted an HR lady at work so I can discuss whether the company has any support mechanism or process for me to follow, almost to take the unknown out of it for me. I doubt there's much, despite how diverse my company is. Maybe the prospect of bringing something so personal to work makes me feel nervous. I'm quite private and don't open up about my feelings to people. And maybe it feel so much more real now. I guess I need some reassurance from people that have come out and transitioned and their experiences at work...
     
  2. BenFreeman

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    This isn't in my immediate future, so I cant reassure you but I feel your anxiety. One can conceal being gay but not transitioning. So it ha sto be dealt with. The only advice i can give you is that ultimately you need to take leadership in the situations. Your coworkers are only human: Some of them will never have come across a trans individual before and wont have the insight to consider you feelings or know how to act around you: you have to lead in the sense of teaching them how you want to be treated and explaining what actually gives with you. Make sure you are feeling strong when you do this. And if there is insufficient support within the company, make sure you have support to refer to privately.

    good luck and blessings
     
  3. Kal

    Kal
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    Thanks man.
     
  4. Kodo

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    You're making progress, and this is something to be glad about. But I can definitely understand the anxiety associated with it. Though unfortunately I cannot offer personal advice as never came out at work, only at school.

    With any milestone you get these ups and downs - ranging from hope and courage to fear and panic. You have made it this far, Kal, and something tells me you aren't going to give up.

    Try not to force too much on yourself. Adjusting takes time, and while it is tempting to want to draw a line and be changed in one feel swoop, things rarely work that way. I'm so happy for you, though, coming out a work is a big victory.
     
    #4 Kodo, Oct 27, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2016
  5. Kal

    Kal
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    Cheers bro. I don't always see my own strength when I'm waist deep in the trenches. You're right, I've aggregated the transition into one big thing in my head, rather than one day at a time. One achievement at a time. I need to measure my approach, put those steps onto a page and work my way through the list. I need to remember why I'm doing this, the fact that I can't keep feeling like a man in a woman's body. I'm Kal. And people will treat me as such. Thanks man
     
  6. Barbatus

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    Hi Kal,

    Sorry to hear things went a bit downhill after your holiday. It might be that while you were away you were out of the trenches (as you put it) it was easier to see where you want to get to and then coming back to work and the slow pace of change (i.e. day by day) perhaps caught you by surprise. I think you are right in you last post about taking things one day at a time, hopefully once you get things going the everyday victories will help keep you going.

    Just remember what you were thinking while on holiday, keep the goal in mind. Hope things go well at work but just remember you are doing this for you, not for anyone else. Take care. :slight_smile:
     
  7. Kal

    Kal
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    Cheers mate, yeah I definitely think my body and mind having that complete break from life as I know it was what I needed but at the same time, massive shock to the system this week when I came back. Massive. I've had stomach problems, insomnia kicking up again, nausea and an ocular migraine in the space of 5 days! It's been tough going. I manifested the whole transition in my head and coupled that with the stark reality of where I work. I needed to remind myself that I care very little about those I work with and a whole lot more about myself and my future. And in actual fact, I've had some amazing feedback this week from superiors at work and that's really helped me move along the anxiety. The leg jiggling, shortness of breath and general ants in my pants is back but I've reminded myself that it is temporary. How are you??
     
  8. Barbatus

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    Aww man that sucks. I think it was probably just feeling so happy about making your decision to get things moving when you got back and then (sigh) the details of life get in the way. That's great you had a positive response from work - I assume you are using your name now and male pronouns? There might a few people who are difficult but if your superiors are on board and understand their obligations to you as an employer then you should be able to deal with them.

    I'm good thanks. Pretty busy at work but it's just a deadline coming up and after that should level out a bit.
     
    #8 Barbatus, Oct 28, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2016
  9. Kal

    Kal
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    Not out just yet, but I have a meeting booked in with HR next week to ask how they can support me. That's the missing piece for me, the how. I do most things alone but for this in particular, I'm going to have to open up.

    Work sucks right? I'm holding out for the lottery.
     
  10. Barbatus

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    I know it is trite but you don't have to do things on your own. Obviously, you are the driving force behind it all but make the most of support from work and trans support groups. And you've always got equality legislation in the background if work give you hassle.

    Would it be fair to say that the opening up will be the trickiest part for you?

    Winning the lottery would make many things easier. Sometimes I like to day dream about what I would do with all that money - although I don't actually play the lottery, I just like to day dream about winning it sometimes.
     
  11. Kal

    Kal
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    Yeah I'm not very trusting of people. And I have good reason. From time to time, when my feelings bubble up, I open up a little to family or a friend and they just don't get it. Or even care that much. My mum told me I was an attention seeker the other week...just for opening up about how depressed I am and how I feel about certain subjects. I literally couldn't be further from an attention seeker.
     
  12. Barbatus

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    Urgh - as if being open about how you feel is such a bad thing. I always think attention seekers are shallow vainglorious fools while being open about feelings is a strength of character. I find it very difficult to be open about how I feel - as I think many on EC probably do given that we, just by being ourselves, challenge established expectations and we tend to get put down by others. It really infuriates me when people say 'why are you making such a fuss' or something like your mum said. It just completely denies any validity to what we experience and ignores their role in making our lives more difficult than they need to be.
     
  13. Kal

    Kal
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    Yup. I seriously and hand on heart don't strive for attention. And I mainly do that these days because I don't get it anyway, so why bother! It was my last day in my old job yesterday and I said I don't want gifts or a big fuss, because I don't like it feeling forced. If people don't genuinely want to throw me a party or take me out somewhere nice then why the fuck would I want to ask? I can't wait for the day where I find a nice lass, who loves me and cares about what I have to say. Because sometimes I feel like I'm invisible until it suits other people. And a burden. It's just easier to be alone right now, heck I'm even wanting to move to another country just to start again. Or try. The part I hate the most is that I have a really small family and I see other people, who are or have mothers that literally revolve around their kids and their achievements. Like they're in awe of what they've created. My old manager is a bit like that, she's a great mother. I'm jealous of her kids. Anyway, I've got what I've got and that's that. I just wish things were different and I actually fucking featured in people's minds enough for them to go "I'm going to ring Kal" or "let's go out".
     
  14. Barbatus

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    Once you are out as yourself then hopefully that sense of invisibility should diminish - at least I guess that that is big part of the sense of not being seen. When you say for people to think of ringing you are you referring to family (because you were talking about people being a good mother immediately beforehand) or do you mean more generally as in friends?

    If you were talking about friends then it might just people - most of my friends never call me until I get in touch with them first (although I don't call them frequently). The only exception I guess is one of my friends who lives near me but then we both attend the same university so we have been spending more time together than normal otherwise the same would apply. I don't know if that is just people or whether I think of spending more time with friends than most other people do.

    If you were talking about family then that really is a let down and like you say you have to work with the family you have - although of course you can make friends who can provide more support than family do. Again though that might be easier once you are yourself and you don't have to hide or be circumspect about who you are.