How the hell did it take me until my late 20's to realize I was MtF? I can pick so many feelings an thoughts, that have been persistent throughout my life, not just fleeting, but that would pop up constantly. I always had this intense jealousy of girls, and how pretty they were. Why am I not pretty like that? I always secretly thought girls clothes were way better than guys clothes. I think I'd have chosen girls clothes, if gendered clothing wasn't a thing and I could have. I wore guys clothes as a kid, because I didn't dress myself when I was very young. Then when I was, it's what I was told to get, more than what I wanted. Then those were just the clothes I was used too. I think I learned to live with them, more than them being ideal. I always hated baggy pants. That doesn't mean anything on it's own, but the reason behind it is pretty important. I hated them because GIRLS didn't wear baggy pants, so I don't want to either. I always hated having really short hair, because GIRLS don't do that. It looks too masculine. But every time I started growing it out I'd give in to the pressure to get it cut. I hated body hair from day one. I've always tried to keep it as smooth as I can, wherever I can. I wasn't too bad with leg and armpit hair. Why? Because I knew EVERYONE grew that. I remember when I started growing the little lumps on my chest, curtsey of gynecomastia. I was actual HAPPY about that, cause they were boobs(kinda). My genitals didn't really cause me any issue(until very recently), but I used to love tucking "it" in between my legs and pretending it was a vagina. I can't tell you how. Many. Times. I. Pretended. I. Was. A. Girl. Including my mental picture of myself, was often that of a girl. Do I sound like a classic trans case or what?
I was aware snice I was very young (about 5 or 6) that I would rather be a girl. I always thought my life would have been better if I was a girl. I was always jelous of my cousin when she got cute pink pajamas with lace trim and stuff. I guess I always knew I just more tried to deny it because I figured if I did that then it wouldn't be true and I would just be a guy. One of the biggest things that made me jelous of girls was their underwear. It always kind of made me sad when I got ninja turtle underwear or somthing like that when what I really wanted was Disney princesses and stuff like that.
Oh yes, denial was POWERFUL on my end, that's clear. A lot of it I didn't really realize I was doing, or I just thought "everyone does that, right?" I also have always looked more towards girls my age for fashion cues....like when it's okay to wear sandals, or tank tops. I'd better stop now, I'm feeling bad. I dug some giant hole of denial.
Don't feel bad, you were doing what you thought you needed to do at the time to protect your self. There are things I still do, like avoiding the women's clothing section in stores and such, to help me deal with the anxiety and every thing else that goes along with it. I don't ever wear women's clothes out sidea of my house (even if it's just a bra or panties). Accept who you are and do what you can to make your self as comfortable for your self as you can. For me luckily I have a couple really good friends who I can ask to buy me women's cloths, mostly just bras, panties and nighties, I tend to sleep in them which has helped me sleep better and feel better about my self.
I realize that now. It was a reaction of "survival" so to speak. I also didn't know what transgender was until my teens, just like most people. It also didn't help that I was never gay.(Well technically I was, since I was straight). That seems to be something a lot of the girls on YouTube focus on, was that they were "gay" first, which was one of the earliest signs. I would love to be able to wear women's clothes, but I also avoid the women's section. Which is odd, because I've always had this weird feeling I couldn't shake, of not belonging, in the men's. Like I don't want anyone to catch me in the "wrong" section....but damn, I want a skirt!
Do you have any female friends you are out to? Or do you live alone? If so ask one of your female friends to buy you some or buy it online if you don't have to worry about some one else opening it.
I don't live alone, but if it comes in discreet packaging(like Amazon) it won't be a problem. My family respects my mail. I sadly don't have any female friends I'm out too. I want to come out to a girl I'm friends with at work, but I haven't yet. I almost did today, when she asked me why I seemed stressed, but another co-worker was within earshot...otherwise I would have.
I'm sure amazon would have what you are looking for. As far as telling your coworker try txting her or somthing? That's how I told my best friend after trying to tell her for a month or so in person. I felt so much better after I did and we have only become better friends since I told her. Me personally I have discovered I really like nighties and braletts.
I have no problem saying it in person...if other's aren't around. I need to focus on moving out, so I can start actually transitioning....otherwise I think I'll be dead in six months.
Oh wow yea you are a lot braver than me. Right now I have no plans of transitioning, part of it is fear and where I live and part of it is I know I still wouldn't actually be a woman (so far in the fact I couldn't get pregnant or have periods... I hope that didn't come across as insensitive to people who are or have transitioned) I have in a way come to accept my body for what it can do instead of what it can't.
There are some days I feel like I could not transition, and I'd be fine. Other's where I feel if I don't soon, I'll end up doing something drastic. The pregnancy thing doesn't bother me. I don't think I want kids, and plenty of biological women can't get pregnant. Then no periods bothers me slightly, but I also think that's a plus.
I feel the same way. Looking back over my childhood I can see now the obvious signs of being trans. There are way too many to list. I always wanted to slick my hair back because I thought that's what boys did. I never wanted anything pink because that was a girly color. I wanted to hit puberty and have my voice drop. I never played with any barbies I ever got, I tortured them XP And that's not even a drop in the bucket
I love pink, always have. I never had problems with the toys I got, I liked them. But I wanted Barbie's and such too. I actually may have asked, but was told, "no those are girl's toys, you're a boy." I've also always loved the Disney princesses. I always felt I identified more with Ariel and Cinderella than Eric and Prince Charming.
I never had any problems with my toys, but for the most part my parents didn't have a problem buying me toys that were marketed to boys. I had legos and the like. I also had a little toy work bench with tools and stuff. The barbies I got were usually from friends of my family or distant relatives that didn't really know me. My parents gave up on giving me barbies early. I always identified with the princes more than the princesses. I always wanted to be the one doing the saving.
And I always wanted t be rescued! But at the same time I was a huge Xena fan as a kid, so I wanted to be able to kick ass and save myself....if a prince wasn't there for me. Otherwise I'd just let the Prince have his moment.
I never had the desire to be rescued. It was always prince or nothing for me. I never dressed up as anything feminine for halloween (unless bunnies are considered feminine lol)
looking back, I've always been vastly more comfortable with female gender roles than male. Again, I should have figured this out way sooner.
