So, I had hoped I'd be in grad school by now, and finally be able to open up about my gender. Instead, I'm trapped at home again. My parents know I'm transgender, and don't support it. Anyone else in their circle of friends would, most likely, be far more hostile than them, so staying closeted is the safest choice for me right now. I hope I can move out sometime next year, but I've been here a long time. Far longer than I thought I could survive. I'm just tired now, and some weeks I'm in a near-constant state of anxiety. I'm not as suicidal as I've been in the past. Still, I'm worried that I might leave this place bitter at best, and damaged at worse. How do I come to terms with the fact that this year was so completely awful? And how do I move on once it's finally over?
I can relate, so much, to this. I too live with unsupportive parents and am stuck in that sort of limbo between going off to school and leaving home behind. And my last two years have been, for all intents and purposes, a waste. Keep your sights ahead. This is just the runway to a life where you can finally breathe and learn to be yourself. You have made it this far, so you can make it to the lift-off. Make yourself a promise to live to see that day. As for family, it can hurt like hell. The damage incurred in the process of losing them... It wrecks me. But try and practice forgiveness, both for yourself and them. I think this is the only way to truly move on. Until you can leave, work on what you can. The small things day by day make for big changes. Even if it is something purely mental it is progress. Recognize that you are valuable, because you are. And you're stronger than this. In the end, bitterness is a choice. Everyone suffers hurt but what you do with that hurt determines the quality of your character. There is a quote, "holding onto anger is like clenching a hot coal with the intent to throw it at someone," and if you keep holding on to it, it will continue to burn you.
