How does being male/female feel like?

I can't really describe the feeling of being 'male' exactly, but for me it's like something I feel very deep in my conscious, it's hard to explain. It's kind of always been there, despite me being AFAB and not realising what that feeling was until around six months ago.

Maybe it also the feeling of not being female? Whenever I see women in film, I can relate to their feelings and emotions, but when the subject came to their womanhood I had difficulty.

I always hated sexism, I found it unfair, even as a small child, I never gave in to gender roles, I was fairly masculine, though I liked princess dresses aswell. I saw it as a 'pick-and-choose' thing, like most kids.

I'm also bi/pan but never felt like a girl who liked girls. I didn't feel like a boy who liked boys either, but now I feel like i've warmed to the idea?

So I suppose I know i'm male due to the rejection I have of womanhood and the urge I have to join something either in the middle or manhood.

 

I'm cis, but I don't know what being a woman feels like. I always just said "I'm a woman because I have a vagina", but I'm not saying that trans people aren't really trans, so don't misunderstand. I just think that cis people don't think about gender as much other that what they were assigned, so I would be curious what trans people think.

I've always firmly believed that masculinity and femininity didn't have much to do with gender, though. Studies have proved that ALL people feel masculine and feminine at different times, cis, trans, and non-binary. And all people have both feminine and masculine interests.

However, I can understand feeling male because of a male brain. Not stuff like liking cars and sports, but socializing completely differently because of psychological differences. Either that or dysphoria (physical or social)

 

For me it's less "I feel male" and more "I know I'm not female". I feel discomfort with and disconnect from the entire concept of being female. There are parts of my body that I really don't feel should be there, because they are "female" parts, which is something I just know I'm not. I don't feel that same disconnect from being male. Instead, it feels comforting and elating to be referred to as male, to see myself as male, to imagine myself as fully male.

It's less of "feeling masculine" and "feeling feminine", because everyone experiences times where they do something manly or something girly and it changes how they view themselves at that moment. I played with barbies as a child, one of my favourite movies was Barbie as Rapunzel. I still have a lot of feminine behaviours because I was raised in a house of women and my dad never interacted with me. My levels of masculinity and femininity mean nothing for my actual gender in the end. If I described how I felt to people, I'm pretty sure a fair amount of people would say I'm non-binary since I'm so feminine and masculine at the same time - in fact, I have had two different people before tell me I'm not binary when they asked how being trans feels for me. But that's not the case at all, because my gender isn't based on how "manly" or "girly" I am. It's just based on me, and I am male. :eusa_danc

Many cis people can't really understand the concept of feeling their gender (and to be honest trans people don't really "understand" it either, they just know it's a thing) because why would they? Their bodies match their minds, and I should imagine most cis people don't really understand the weight of the words "male" and "female" unless they are well versed in gender-related topics. To them, they just ARE the gender they are, and that's that. Of course, this doesn't mean you are definitely cis (or definitely trans) if you do (or don't) feel that way about your gender. Everyone has different experiences and in the end only you can really know who you are and how you want the world to see you.

I hope this helps, and good luck with figuring things out.

 

Ha ha, that's me, I call it that I feel like a guy (!) I simply don't relate to women as well as I do to men. Not because they are women, but rather despite that fact. I find stuff they do and think and feel strange... And they find me off too

I don't really feel dysphoria or anything. I connect to the concept of being a woman. What kind of woman - that's whole another issue :icon_bigg When I fist came here, my avatar was a naked cyborg woman with a machine gun, lol.

 

Hey, same sea, different boat. I 'feel' neither male nor female. When I look in the mirror, I just see myself. And when I think of myself, gender's the last thing on my mind. Sometimes it even feels forced when I gender myself. But I know I'm 100% male.

I can't tell you why, exactly. It's just something I know instinctively. There is nothing I can pinpoint that tells me "hey, dude, you're a man, bro." I used to feel weird when others mistook me for female, but it doesn't bother me now. And I used to avoid traditionally feminine things, but I grew out of that too.

Just follow your gut.

 

I started questioning that too, so I started making a log every day of how I felt. For me, feeling more male or female is how I prefer to be seen socially and how I like to be addressed. I was DFAB, so to me, feeling "female" is just days where I don't have much dysphoria and feel comfortable or even content being addressed as girl, lady, ma'am, etc. though I find that feeling mostly comes out of apathy more than anything, as I rarely feel I am "understood" in all-female groups and spaces... feeling male is when Ive grown fatigued of not having "all of me" seen, longing to be included as an equal amongst men and like I want to be taught how to "be a guy" (behaviourly) so others will be able to recognize who I am and not make assumptions. Most of the time I only get switchy if I've gotten dysphoric or been forced into really gendered situations that make me uncomfortable....most of the time I just settle in the middle and feel sort of left out everywhere, but also like I share a lot of qualities with lots of different people. Regardless of my presentation / status as masculine or feminine.

 

But in all honesty, I was a normal girl, but I was a guy in like half of my dreams, and apparently my friends weren't. I got complemented by my male cousins that "I have the balls" And I was like... okey... I guess it's positive, it makes them respect me.

It's less of a feeling, more of an objective thing. I start to get the feeling of being the rare case of actually associating with the opposite sex.

Puberty came, it was supposed to make me into a woman, to make me feel all those girly things. But I didn't feel them, I just fantasised about crossdressing as a dude and doing what guys do, because I got to know for the first time in my life that "Women don't do XYZ". Later on, about 15, I realised that it's not the whole world that went mad, and that the other girls were not victims of the patriarchy - to my shock, I noticed that they were not pretending like I was. I was different. Who pays attention to dreams? But I find it surprising till today how I subconsciously "just knew" such a complex thing. How much it predicted.

It's like having a map (I'm stealing that comparison from someone else). It's not transferrable from person to person. It's in your brain and tells you what to do, by filtering reality. The other women have one map, I have the male model. They know something I don't know, just insitinctively, and vice versa. It's about what kind of behaviour you find natural. It's a "just know" thing. It's coming up with ideas that you find unique to yourself, only to find out the guys had exactly the same idea or find the same things valuable. It's whether you put on a fake persona or not. If being the sex you were assigned feels like a fake persona. At some point I had those dreams of being a guy, and they felt more real than reality, which was a really bad moment in my life, and it had a lot to do with the socially acceptable persona of a "girl".

 

It's good that you're finding the root of your problem. What's most important is that you have realized who you are, and whatever that may be, it is perfectly okay.

 

That's a great question, one I think about a lot myself. To me I have female chromosomes and so I'm female, but I know that chromosomes don't match outward gender, but that's what I go on. I don't 'dress' like a girl, I rarely wear dresses/skirts (only when I'm bridemaid and have to, I prefer a well cut suit for formal events), I never wear pink, my hair is short and shaved underneath, I'm not very feminine in my mannerisms, I'm not interested in chick lit or romance... Basically, I'm not a 'stereotypical girl'. I hear a lot from others that I'll never attract a guy if I 'dress like one' (I'm working on coming out to everyone, baby steps) or that I'll put off guys if I drink beer and slouch. Which made me wonder, was there a gender rule book I didn't read and why are things only seen as being a male/female domain?

I don't feel female, but neither do I feel male. I don't feel anything in me that confirms my gender. When I was growing up I wasn't forced to 'look' like a girl, I had a lot of freedom in my state of dress. I don't know if it's me who sees a correlation between outward appearance and gender (wrong, I know), and as I don't clothe myself as what I see as feminine is that why I don't feel it?

This makes me think how I view female/male, have I been conditioned by society to distinguish genders in superficial terms? Is this why I struggle to 'feel female', because I don't look like what society says I do? This gets me annoyed, why can't I look like I do or dress as I do and still be seen as female? The way I see it, I look like me, I dress like me, I don't try to fit in to any particular role. Although I do understand that as female I have privileges that make it easy to present myself as I please; no one will bat an eyelid if I turn up in trousers and no makeup and I'm not putting my safety at risk. From this point of view, I can understand the frustration of those who don't identify as male but are forced by nature to do so (sorry if that's a terrible way to put it).

Hmm, sorry, I don't think I really answered your question properly, it's such a complicated thing, isn't it?

(When I talk of gender here I mean outward expression, not anatomy, and although probably contradictory, when I say I see myself as female because of my chromosomes, I am only talking about my own relationship with my body )

 

What does it really mean when we say that gender expression means nothing, that what makes us trans are the words: "I am a woman" or "I am a man"? This is a key part of understanding our experience and what it means to be a person of a certain gender. Look back at what you wrote, how many times did you point out that you are female or a girl/woman. It is something so natural to you, something that you just gloss over because there must be more to this than that. There must be more than the very idea that you are a woman, it must be about the clothes that you wear, about social influences and conventions because that is gender to you, not those words that are so often taken for granted because how could you be anything else but a woman. However, that view misses the point that when you say those words, it isn't your chromosomes talking for you, it isn't the clothes that you wear or words that society put in your head. Instead, the words represent who you are inside, they come from your heart and mind and hold a huge amount of meaning.

If you walked up to someone who cares about you and said that you are a man, they wouldn't just laugh it off with the knowledge that your chromosomes say otherwise and you are just being silly. Instead they will try to show you that you are wrong and convince you that you are. in fact, a woman, not a man. At that time, your clothes and behavior lose any meaning and they will talk about how gender expression doesn't make you into a man, that women can express themselves as men do and still remain women. So think about it, how much power do those words hold? when we say those words, why do people respond in such hurtful ways, saying that we can't possibly be women or men, that we are wrong and should be ashamed of ourselves for having such thoughts, for saying those words. Yet, we say it again and again, because we share that same feeling that makes it so natural for you to say those words, we feel what you feel when you say those words, that feeling of belonging and familiarity and when we say that we are men, we feel fake and lost, as if we are wearing a mask. Say those words to yourself, that you are a man and try to imagine yourself as one, you will most likely feel the same sense of confusion and the words will sound hollow and fake to you. Because you aren't a man, you are a woman and that's what it feels like to be a woman, you simply are one... (*hug*)

 

To me it isn't really a simple "feel like," but rather wanting to be seen as and live life and treated as a male (by pronouns, by everything), and various indicators that point towards 'feeling like' a certain gender. By just being me, that's how it feels like to be a guy. It's not simply relating to men more, and not really relating to women, it's feeling an incongruency with living as a girl and put in the position as one. It's not feeling totally right navigating my life as a woman but doing so as a guy feels natural and comfortable.

It's not such a tangible feeling as it is just an inherent, natural part of me.

 

Hello and thanks for your reply! I don't have anyone to really talk about things like this (or at least, there is no one in my 'real life' that really examines gender), and so it's good to have outside sources to give feedback rather than just let it swim in my head. I guess yes you are right, I identify as female, but I am an over thinker and often question everything 'but why or how? (it took me about three years to conclude I was in fact gay, and I'm a pain in the butt at work when they roll out new procedures :dry: ). I think sometimes I may over complicate what is not needed or simplify that which needs more thought.

I guess (and I hope I'm not totally missing the point and that's it's ok to compare it to feelings of sexuality) that I know I am gay because that's how I feel, likewise my straight friend knows they are straight because that's how they feel. I hope that makes sense, I'm awful at explaining myself sometimes :icon_sad:

 

Yes, like gender, we recognize our sexuality through feeing and subsequent identification. There are quite a few similarities in the process of coming to.terns with who we are. I remember when I came out, a question that was repeated a few times is how is it that I showed no signs in the past, that earlier in life I didn't tell others that I felt like a woman. It can be hard to understand how something so important can be hidden from sight, that I suffered in silence for so many years without saying that everything feels so wrong.

They struggle to understand because they don't know how hard it can be to ignore the endless feedback that the world constantly gives you, strengrhening the idea that you are male or in your case, that you are straight. When we figure out that we are trans, we begin a long process of acceptance and try to get rid of the endless doubts that our social upbringing has instilled in us. Ot takes a huge amount if time and ir can be so hard to cope with the guilt and sense of loss.

I am saying this because I want you to know that you are not alone and your uncertainty and doubts are just a part of the process of acceptance. Your entire life, you were made to believe that you must be straight, films that you watched or books that you read reinforced this idea and rhey comflated being a woman with being straight. That part of the experience of being a woman is to find a husband and build a family with them.

The thing is, we don't know how others feel inside and it is easy to persuade ourselvez that everyone feels the same feeling of wrongness that we do. Then one day it just hits you, a feeling of pure clarity and you understand that all this time a core part of who you was was fake, was wrong. That's when the sense of loss comes into play, you ask yourself, what took me so long, it is so obvious, how could I have mussed this part of myself for so long. The loss brings pain and you try to protect yourself by finding excuses, by searching for ways out, for signs that you are not really trans or gay.

That's why it is so hard, it can be so overwhelming and you deep down believe that your life would be so much easier if you just forgot. You wouldn't have to deal with the hatred and fears, wouldn't hurt your family and you could live the way that the woeld taught you that you are supposed to live.

Yet, ovee time, you realize that this is who you are. That itvus a part of you that is at ylthe core of your self and being. It was always there and to ignore it would mean to wear a mask for the rest of your life, to never truly feel alive and happy because you would lose the prospect of feeling true love, of finding someone to share your life with, that will complete you. That's when the doubts begin to go away as you realize that despite the pain, it will all be worth it in the end and that's when your journey truly begins... (*hug*)

 

This. Simply reverse the gender, and that is exactly my feelings.