I'm at a point in my life where I feel totally lost about a lot of things, mostly about gender, orientation, the choices I'm making (separating from my husband). I have so many questions about my gender and don't really know how to understand who I am. (I was born biologically female) I've started to feel strongly about a couple of things but I'm totally lost on other feelings and I don't know how to sort through what I feel. One thing that has become clear to me is that I feel like my body parts are not quite right. I am not uncomfortable about the top but having increasing realisation that my body was wired to have a penis. (Sorry if that's tmi) I'm probably saying it in a totally weird way, but I'm realising this based on my feelings of having a phantom penis (now), and my utter total belief as a child that I have a penis that was meant to be there and one day would grow. Im starting to think I need to get a packer to feel some relief about this feeling. I have decided as well that I need to start presenting androgynously, to reflect the way I feel inside much more truly on the outside. I feel like a guy in many ways, but in some ways I feeling like I'm somewhere in the middle. Other than feeling strongly about these two things I feel totally confused. I don't even know where to start in asking myself questions and exploring myself more. Does anyone have any thoughts? Insight?
all perfectly valid feelings and questions.(*hug*) as for packing, have you tried something like a sock stuffed with other socks, to just give you a feel for it? if it seems to be headed in the right direction then you can put out the expense of a packer... just a thought. I made home made breast forms to get a "feel" instead of laying out the cash that I don't have and it was a wise choice. I do feel better with boobs :lol:
I can relate to what you are saying. I'm at a place in my life where I'm trying to figure it out too. I've always wanted a flat chest and up until recently I became in different about my breasts. But as I think about it more and more I don't feel like they should be there. I just wanted to reply and say you are not alone. I am in the same boat. ~~~Spidey
Thanks lookingforme Do the breast forms help? Do you think it's enough or that you need to go further eventually and get surgery? I haven't tried socks yet because my trousers are too tight. I've just ordered a few new ones and I was thinking about trying socks then. I suppose some of my feelings that make me feel so lost are ... I don't understand why some aspects of my gender feel so male, while other aspects feel neutral or female. And. I just don't know how to put my finger on what I really feel my gender is deep down. Like I kind of feel like my (small) breasts feel right to me. My curves as well. I need to look and dress androgynously, on some level though. And I can't quite express why I feel that way or what it means. I'm waiting for some new clothes to arrive and hoping they reflect the feelings I have. I'm starting to really feel discomfort in the way I present mounting and I just want to start making these changes. ---------- Post added 2nd Nov 2016 at 04:10 AM ---------- Spidey-- Do you feel some parts of you feel more comfortable than other parts? I'm so confused about why certain things feel ok and other things don't.
They do help, I cant present like I want very often but when I do it feels...right.:icon_bigg. and more and more I am heading towards transition.:eusa_danc as for your feelings, there is no right answer that fits everyone. not everyone transitions, not everyone has surgery, and your presentation can be whatever you want and feel comfortable with. your gender doesn't have to be one or the other, some are bi gender, tri gender, or pan gender. some are gender fluid, so they move back and forth around genders. it can be confusing, and a good therapist is a real help in settling things in your mind. now body parts, at the risk of TMI, while I want female development everywhere but my penis, bottom surgery is not something im contemplating at this time, and im good with that.
I really like the term pangender...hmm I have to hold onto that and think about how it feels. But I've got a long way to go before I can feel comfortable with a label I think. I also decided that I need to talk to someone who can help me explore this. I've been thinking about going to the LGBT centre to find some support, and I just emailed someone so hopefully I can get some direction in this area...
going to your LGBT Centre might be the best. I found going to the PFLAG group in the city, about an hour away, helped me emmensely. plus it go me in touch with the only trans group that I know of, that's not for young children in the province. in short, it opened resources and support to me that I really needed.
I'm lucky in that I've started connecting with trans people around me, of all ages. There's a trans meetup that I've gone to a few times....but more as a supporter for someone's else(my girlfriend). But it's still helped me to feel connected.
Baris, yes I feel like you do. I'm not as comfortable with my chest as I am with the parts downstairs. I could live without a penis. At this time I am comfortable with packing in the Future and using a strap on for sex. I was told by someone on another forum that this journey of self discovery is your journey and not everyone has the exact same journey. Try going to this website darahoffmanfox.com. she is a gender therapist and write a book that I am reading. Its helping me a lot.
I know how you feel Jedi. I still get the "phantom boobs" feeling. I'm also very uncomfortable with my downstairs. If I didn't need it to pee and for GCS(if I ever were to have it), I'd probably cut it off. I know what you mean, I was wired to have a vagina down there...
It's really comforting to hear your feelings about your identity, it makes me feel like I'm not the only one who feels the way I do. I'm looking through that link, thanks for sharing it! ---------- Post added 2nd Nov 2016 at 10:55 AM ---------- Hi cluster Are your phantom feelings really strong? Have you noticed them for a long time? I'm really starting to realising I've always had this feeling, I'm only just starting to acknowledge it for what it is.
It really depends. The feeling really depends. I've been having it more often the past few months, but I do remember it occurring occasionally throughout my life. I actually had a new one today. "Phantom Vagina." It felt like I had one, instead of you know what. I loved it!
