First, my therapist is not a gender therapist. She is a mental health counselor. I expressed my gender identity issues with her today. She said that I am not trans. My wanting to have a beard, play with boy toys etc are normal parts of child development. Wanting a beard is because I looked up to my dad when I was little and normal for girls to do. She then proceeds to try to rationalize my reasons why I feel I'm trans. I'm even more confused now.
Change therapist. It doesn't seem like she knows what she's talking about in the slightest. A bad therapist can be very dangerous for your mental state. If you think you are trans, there are great chances you are.
I mean I think you should get an actual gender therapist. Yes I see what shes saying though. I would love to have a beard and be strong like a man, and I dress like a man down to my underwear and perfume, and I have always only liked boyish hobbies. I even like to pack on the rare occasion at home. That doesn't make me trans necessarily. It really depends on a lot and its hard to define what that last little something is that makes you trans or not trans. That may be why you need a gender therapist who knows more about it. Unless you are thinking through your thoughts and are beginning to agree with your current therapist that you are a girl who really enjoys and admires masculine things, I would replace this therapist with a gender professional. The idea that she said wanting a beard is you"looking up to your father" in particular is pretty ludicrous and a sign that she really can't deal with this sort of issue.
I'm sure in the opposite case someone might view a boy wearing his mom's makeup as looking up to his mom, and maybe there is some truth to that. The question does seem to be is there something biological happening in the brain that is more than just admiration. I've actually struggled with finding that answer for myself.
How old are you? This plays a huge role in the validity of your therapist's comments. I will say that a blanket statement that you are or are not trans would be pretty unprofessional for a therapist to make. That said, therapists are human, and if it came out of left field for her, it may have caught her off-guard and what you got could have been a first thought that wasn't carefully weighed. Or... she could make an interpretation based on what she knows that she believes is correct. I wouldn't immediately change therapists. But I would have a meaningful conversation with her, ask the basis of her beliefs, what experience she has in working with gender variant people, and so forth. One statistic that gave me pause, that was cited in the wonderful (and very trans-positive) documentary "Growing Up Trans": Apparently about 45% of the people who experience gender dysmorphia in their early and mid-teen years find that it resolves, without transitioning, and often without any specific therapy, by early-to-mid 20s. That data can be upsetting to some trans people, but the point isn't that people are "making it up" because most are not. The point is, some individuals may have a lot of problems, and it can be easy to project those problems onto some external solution. That could be something as simple as losing weight to something as complex as gender transition, or anywhere in between. The challenge for both the client and the mental health professional working with him or her is discerning which is which. And it's an inexact science. So I would say that taking some time to converse with your therapist, see how up-to-date she is on the topic, and whether she's willing to get supervision or otherwise seek input from other professionals. You might be pleasantly surprised.
Chip, As far as I know, you are partly right, in the sense that most children do grow out of gender identity issues but the statistics seems to include gender non conforming children and they grow out of it by puberty, not adulthood. Gender dysphoria that persists postpuberty is nearly always permanent. I might be missing some research that shows otherwise but no matter what, this statistics is entirely irrelevant to the op who has stated before that he is 41. Spidey, your therapist acted in an unprofessional way which is sadly fairly common in cases of therapists trying to help transgender patients. Finding a therapist who specializes in treating trans patients might be a good idea and if not, making it clear that she was wrong to dismiss your concerns is important. I know how hard it can be when people you trust make existing doubts even worse. It is normal to have doubts at the start of the journey and it takes time to come to terms fully with the loss that is such a core part of our experience. (*hug*)
I have the utmost respect for my therapist. She is also a drug and alcohol counselor and I started seeing her for that. She saved my life by convincing me to go to a treatment facility. I now life a drug and alcohol free life because of her. I've had trans feelings my whole life. I just kept them stuffed way down inside. She is concerned due to some of my past addictive behavior that I might regret transitioning in the future. My insurance won't cover both a gender therapist and her. If u would see a gender therapist I would be paying out of pocket.
You are 100% correct. I completely missed his age. At age 41, this isn't something someone is going to grow out of. Given the age, I would be inclined to agree that the therapist acted unprofessionally. I do still allow that therapists, like any other human, can be broadsided and have responses that aren't appropriate, which is why I think it might be worth exploring whether that's what happened before ditching the therapist. However, if that reflects the therapist's real feelings, and the therapist made a blanket statement, I would agree that the OP would be better off looking for a new therapist with experience in this area.
I agree, especially considering how helpful the therapist has been in the past. Spidey, talking to her and figuring this out with her is probably the best solution. Remember that she is there to help you and it is important that you keep the same level of trust that gave her the ability to help you in the past for her to do her job effectively. She was wrong in the way she approached this issue but she might still be able to help you cope and navigate this situation if she is able to look beyond whatever misconceptions she has about what it means to be trans. I hope everything works out, (*hug*) Eveline
In my vast experience, therapists and counsellors are trained in certain specialisms (addiction, stress, abuse, anger management, gender etc) and their interpretation comes from their particular body of study. A generalist is likely to give you an ear, perhaps some tools to tackle situations and mostly, your ability to self manage at a point in time. The more experienced and specialist professionals have specific learnings and methods to employ, which involves delicately pushing the subject to express and discover, leading to resolution and repair. No process is straight forward and no two subjects are the same. I would absolutely concur with those people that have suggested your therapist may not have the skills required to help you with your gender questions. This is no criticism, just that you wouldn't want an optician having a go at some stitches. My advice? Take a step away from the topic with your therapist. She is touching on nerves she doesn't understand or have the capability to support the healthy mode of thought you need to promote. Allow yourself to explore your thoughts, feelings and desires. Self assess. Seek a professional that can help you find answers to those resulting questions. Even if it means seeing someone twice a month through cost issues. Take care bud
