I came out to my family as trans this past summer through a letter I had written because I couldn't get myself to talk to them face to face. I'm not that close to my family. They are emotionally distant from me. In the letter, I specifically asked them not to out me. My sister outed me to my cousin and my cousin told the entire family on my dad's side without my permission. As a result, one of my uncles is extremely accepting and told my mom not to disown me because in his words, "This is who he is and how he feels." However, my aunt was very uncomfortable and not as talkative to me anymore as she has been in the past. I feel like when I came out, people started slipping from my life. Right after I came out, my family started making jokes mocking me and saying that they want to transition too. It made me feel horrible and my dad thought I was lying to get attention or trying to crack a joke. I remember my mom telling me, "I wanted a real boy, not a tomboy." I also remember crying my eyes out whenever my mom told me that I could only get a haircut at shoulder length and nothing shorter. I haven't gotten my haircut yet and my hair is still pretty long. I'm getting increasingly frustrated and dysphoric because I have severe anxiety due to school and I want to come out to everyone because my school has a Gay-Straight Alliance program, but I'm honestly terrified. I've been bullied there for something out of my control and I've been traumatized which triggered my social anxiety. Coming out as trans to my school after that is out of the question. I'm also very short, 5 ft tall, which angers me because I want to be as tall as the other guys but due to my ethnicity and my genes, I'm only a fraction of an inch taller than my mother. Also, I have feminine facial features, round face and all. I wear a sports bra to bind and a sweatshirt, but I want to get a binder so badly. Since I haven't been correcting my parents when they get my pronouns wrong or my name, they probably think it was a phase, but these feelings are kicking in more and more. The more I think about it, the more I realize I'm a guy. I loved playing with dirt ever since I was 5 and never did feminine things. From the age of 9, I always played online games as a male and loved being referred to with male pronouns. It felt right. I'm scared that if I tell my parents again, they will get sick of me and think that something's wrong with me. They will never consider me a guy and it sucks to bottle all these emotions up. I'm just frustrated and I don't know what to do. I need to begin transitioning because being considered a girl is slowly killing me. What scares me the most about transitioning is how people will view me because of my anxiety and the fear that I won't pass. My features are extremely feminine and I've heard about using makeup to soften features, but I don't think I'll be able to do that. Should I tell my parents again? They never take me seriously no matter what I tell them even when I tell them I'm depressed and anxious. They just listen for a little while and then forget about what I tell them a few weeks later because it's unimportant to them. I need people to use the correct pronouns and use the correct name, but I'm too terrified to correct them because I have a feeling they'll judge me and make jokes. I feel like no one will ever understand me if I tell them the truth.
