Whenever I look in the mirror when i'm all dressed up and in make-up, I feel virtually empty. People compliment me, saying 'Oh, you look so beautiful!' and so on. People tell me I look great, but I really can't see it from anything other than an objective point of view. Like, I know I look presentable when i'm feminine, and while I don't despise it, while i'm aware that it's me, I certainally don't feel like myself. I feel so neutral and passive in feminine clothing, theres no emotional passion for how I look and feel. I got alot of people saying how 'rough' masculine AFAB people look, and how lovely and soft feminine people look, and while I know I shouldn't give in to what people say and just dress how I want, i'm a very delicate and shy person, despite how I want to look. I've never worn a suit in my life, but I can say with certainty that I would much prefer it. I would feel passion fr it. For once in my Goddamn life i'd actually care about how I look. Another feeling I get is when I think about testosterone, i'm so undecided about it, I go between wishing I were on it, because I would get a deeper voice, other secondary sex characteristics, and I would pass, and not wanting to be anywhere near it, because I know the changes are irresversable, and the idea of irreversable change scares me deeply. I also flip-flop with the idea of the facial hair, between hating and wanting it. Are these feeling about dressing and testoserone similar to dysphoria?? I'm always scared to say I actually have it, since I feel more neutral/passionless about my body then a seething hatred.
I can't say for sure whether what you feel about yourself is completely dysphoria or not, but dysphoria isn't "seething hatred". Gender dysphoria is discomfort or disconnection from your assigned gender and/or sex characteristics. Hatred can be caused by dysphoria, but that's it. If you were simply hating your body, that would be body dysmorphia, which is something very different. You feel disconnected from your appearance when you look feminine, which could be gender dysphoria or could just be the fact that it's not part of your personality so it doesn't feel right to look like that. If I look overly feminine it brings about feelings of what I consider to be dysphoria - but if a butch lesbian woman looked feminine it might just be uncomfortable for her because she prefers to be masculine, not cause gender dysphoria. So it's kind of hard to say. I'm not overly sure about the testosterone question. Wishing for some of the characteristics doesn't really fit the definition of gender dysphoria. The feelings about a beard are kind of like the above - there are men (including trans men) who may dislike their beard but don't feel dysphoria about it, they just prefer not to have one. It could be gender dysphoria though if the reason you feel uncomfortable is because it is something specifically seen as male and you are not male but are agender, or something along those lines. This probably seems like a very wishy-washy answer because I'm rather unsure overall and it also has to take into account how you feel about everything in relation to your identity, which is something I cannot fully understand or examine. I hope it helps somewhat though. :'D
Thanks for your answer, the reassurence that dysphoria is more of a disconnection made me feel better, as it goes between genuine disconnection and knowing that it's my appearence and that I REALLY don't like it. Also, as for the 'Transmasculine Agender' in my description, in all honestly, I flip-flop between non-binary trans man and transmasc agender a lot. Most of the time I want to be viewed as male, but I get uncomfortable around certain cis men, despite feeling closer to them than women on a spiritual level. I know that sounds very weird, but I can understand men alot better, while theres some sort of disconnect between me understanding womanhood.
I think it is also important to find out how you feel in regards to your body. There are for example a lot of butch women who feel extremely uncomfortable and disconnected with themselves when wearing make up and girly clothes. I don't want to make you even more insecure it's just that feeling disconnected from a certain gender role is also a possibility that is not necessarily linked with feeling disconnect from your own body in a trans way. If you are indeed trans then your discomfort around men could come from being viewed and treated as a woman instead of as a fellow guy or the internal pressure to fit each and every stereotype in order to be validated. One point remains true for everything be it female, trans guy or non-binary: Don't force yourself to wear stuff that makes you feel uncomfortable. It doesn't matter what others think about how you should look or how pretty you are because in the end the one who has to feel comfortable in your skin is you. Don't force yourself to be something you're not it'll only make your miserable. Also suits are awesome and comfy so go wear one!=P
My body and general look doesn't feel right, and it's been that way more-or-less constantly for around six months now. I want to be tall, I want facial hair, a flat chest, and to look more masculine. I hate my relationships with men, women, and nb people because I feel that people see me as female when I really want to be seen as a male. So I would say I have a lot of social dysphoria, as I feel uncomfy pretty much all the time no matter the gender. I would say I have less physical dysphoria, but my dysphoria reminds me of my depression in a way; it came one day, and it's always there, its just not always extremely noticable. Overall, I feel accpepting that I have dysphoria will help me accept myself some more, because I know I would feel very confident when read as male, and whenever i'm read as female, I feel wrong, I know why I would be read as female, but I want to change that.
