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Do you ever feel like you're "fake"? (dysphoria + nonbinary)

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by EverDeer, Nov 8, 2016.

  1. EverDeer

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2016
    Messages:
    442
    Likes Received:
    55
    Location:
    Ohio
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I recently was offhandedly insulted by someone who I was out to and was close to me about just being a "cliche girl who dresses like a fuck-boy" because I'm just "mad at society" and... I dunno, I've been lenient and dealt with misinformed people in the past, I think that's just a part of life and a part of becoming yourself is accepting and realizing that most people aren't ever intentionally trying to hurt you when they're first learning and to always be calm with corrections and explain them well...but, this just crossed that line and I can tell it was said hastily and was very intentional but... I don't usually let stuff like this get to me; I've never been the type to hate my body very much and I'm actually usually pretty good at handling my dysphoria with self-confidence...

    Honestly it really hurt me though because it reminded me that no matter how much I live in some fantasy that I look and act like this perfectly androgynous person and no matter how open I am with all my well-intentioned motives, people will still always see me as something I'm not and I don't think I'll ever be able to understand why. I mean yes, I can learn as much as I can about social standards and psychology and why people instinctually make the assumptions they do, but I'll never truly understand why how I see myself will never be translatable to others. It makes me think it even transcends gender, and is just apart of my nature and how I think, or maybe even my spirit. But maybe that's just self-doubt talking and telling me I'm wrong or mentally ill? I don't know...

    Anyway, I just don't really know how I feel now. How can I know if what I experience is just due to dissociation instead of gender dysphoria? What if my gender dysphoria is causing my dissociation and that makes me think its okay to write it off as unnecessary/not a real problem? Does it matter if how I experience gender is just due to mental illness/a disconnect with society if I've always been that way and its shaped my perception??

    I just can't understand how I've spent so long feeling disconnected / not apart of other women...I feel like everyone around me is believing a lie and I'm being fake when people think I'm a woman or treat me like one...I feel like when I was trying to raise my confidence by convincing / telling myself I was a woman it left me confused and not understanding why I felt so wrong / disconnected from it... but I still feel the same way now. Is that just what dysphoria is? I guess I thought coming out or trying to learn to validate myself as agender/nonbinary would help alleviate that feeling entirely, but then being told I still just look/act/seem another way makes me feel even more disconnected from my actual self because I'm not sure how to seem "true" anywhere...the person was telling me I'm just trying to convince myself I'm different from everyone else, but trying to decipher if I was or not just made me feel even more disconnected in actuality...I dunno, sorry, I'm just confused. Does anyone else feel they're just kind of fake everywhere like this?