Ugh, I couldn't think up a better title for this :/ Anyway, believe it or not, a few days ago I was feeling just fine. Actually I was feeling like I was maybe almost a normal cisgender girl for about a week which is very surprising. I thought that maybe I was in that 70% who apparently grow out of gender dysphoria, though I doubt those statistics are accurate and that my whole life was a phase, I'd worried about surgeries and hormones for nothing. Well, actually, I was wrong. So, so wrong and I think that really, I was just in denial about everything again or it was the normal flow in dysphoria. And it sucks. I hate that, I always get these periods of time where I think I'm going to be okay and it was just this nightmare but then it all comes back...I can always feel it coming too, I felt it starting at about midday and my breakdown came at 8PM. I had a shower afterwards but I felt like I couldn't breathe and was shaking, I feel somewhat better physically now but I feel way too tired. I feel like I can't move my body at all except my arms kind of, obviously I can type okay but my hands still feel weird. And it was triggered by the stupidest thing ever. I was literally sitting in my bedroom, I was thinking about school and how my friend recently started dating this new guy. I basically just thought, "I like R's boyfriend, he's cool." Then I started crying and whatever else happened, I don't know, I just felt like my chest was wrapped up tight. Because I really want to be her boyfriend. I don't mean that I want to date her, even though she is nice and everything, I mean that if I could choose who I was I'd choose to be like him. Or I'd choose to be like his brother, who has a crush on me and I do think I liked him back. And I hate that because for the week that I felt like a girl, I had a fair chance with him. Not anymore. I'm hoping that I'll get over him quickly though because my mom's been asking about him all weekend and I'm sick of hearing it. I felt like I could worry about normal teenage problems but I guess not because my life's never been that easy. All I had to worry about was my phone credit, having friends, homework, having a boyfriend. That all seems insignificant to me now and it makes me angry because I feel like dysphoria's taken my life away. What happy memories will I have of my childhood, my teenage years? I can't think of anything off the top of my head. I'm not even living authentically. I feel like my whole life has come apart in what was only about fifteen minutes really. On top of this, I have a Shakespearean oral presentation due in two days and I'm being made to meet with 'friends' tomorrow. I'm not up to it at all. I'm going to write a Part II to the 'unsex me here' speech (I'm Lady Macbeth :rolle because I know I'll be good at that while in my present state of mind, I'm always a depressing writer when I'm like this. What am I supposed to do when I feel like my whole life is coming apart like this? I really don't have much of a life at all at the moment. Or ever. I want to come out so bad because I can't do this anymore, I feel like I have a costume glued to me and I just want to tear it off. I don't want to do my oral presentation or go out with friends or anything. I just want to lay at my house and sleep. I'd like the teachers to fail me right now and let me get away with not doing it but I doubt that ever happens, is it bad to ask for it to be rescheduled (which we can do, if it's a valid reason) based on the fact that I feel too depressed to find the energy to get out of bed, too anxious to breathe properly and way underprepared? We're supposed to give fair notice but this only all started tonight. I just need more time. I don't want to go out, I'm tired of pretending to be happy when I feel like this. I even came out to one of my 'friends' and she didn't care but she treats everyone like dirt anyway so I shouldn't be surprised. I'm going to try and get out of it. Advice please? I just feel so lost...
Lost is better than drowning. When you're lost you can always find your way back but when you're drowning you just start feeling like you can make it before a wave rushes over you and everything falls to pieces again. I suggest finding someone that you can trust, someone who will let you moan on to them about how you feel - for me it was my ex boyfriend. If you want to rant to me then thats okay with me. Also, go and take that shower/tidy your desk/do that one little thing that you've been putting off doing; start small, work your way up to doing your essay. Try to do something that requires energy and a small bit of motivation before diving headfirst into something difficult, it's easier I promise. Sending love your way ~ Seth
I've been in this situation often, so I might have some advice that could help. Do you have any friends who understand you, if not in person then online? Talking through your thoughts with someone helps; in fact, just talking about anything works too. Distract yourself, find somebody that makes you happy. Being with somebody that's fun to talk to works wonders in pulling me out from my worst days. Don't give yourself too much time to think alone, those usually lead to a downward emotional spiral. Sleep instead: it helps, funnily enough. Perhaps you should ask to reschedule your oral, though I'd advise you to tell your teachers that you're feeling ill thus you haven't been able to prepare, because telling them you're depressed would alarm them. I know these solutions are only temporary, but until you can begin transitioning, temporary solutions are the best option. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. Hang in there man.
Oh, well I already told them I was anxious, depressed and underprepared before I saw this >< I guess it doesn't matter, I'm hoping that they'll be more inclined to reschedule. I don't want to know their answer though :/ I don't know if my request was accepted or not, I filled out a form and my mom signed it but I don't know what's happening. And I didn't get to go out today, the teachers didn't give me permission to leave early and so I missed the movie. Now my friends probably think I'm a crappy person but I'm too tired to really care, I didn't sleep till 1AM and was woken at 7AM, did my Biology exam at 9AM...
It sucks that you couldn't go out, though I doubt your friends think you're a bad person for it. Once you're feeling up to it, I'm sure they will understand if you explain to them that your teachers kept you away. Right now it looks like you could do with some rest, though I know that can be hard at times like these. Try listening to music to calm you down first, or whatever else helps you. I hope the rescheduling, and everything else, works out for you.
Yeah, they did let me reschedule it from Wednesday...to Thursday and that means that I get tomorrow off as well (it's late Tuesday night) since I was only required to stay for that essay. I haven't written it yet but I'm going to try a very rough draft at the moment since I just had a total breakdown (after more denial) and the scene is where Lady Macbeth wishes to be turned into a man so my emotions are very...raw at the moment. I'm apparently a good writer when I'm depressed so there's something. I can't really sleep when I'm depressed, I don't know if it's insomnia or if it's just that I like to withhold necessities (food, water, sleep). I really needed to talk to my therapist today but my mom cancelled my appointment and said that she didn't think I needed a therapist anymore, I'm good at masking my depression and she doesn't know I'm trans so she can't see a problem with me. She booked another appointment reluctantly but now I can't see him until next Monday since he's booked out :/
It's good to hear you'll be able to get some time off. Based from my own experiences, writing is a very good medium to vent your emotions when you're depressed, so I agree that it might help to make as little as a rough draft of the essay. Also it might assure you to know that you're doing something productive. As for sleep, I understand that too. When I said rest I didn't necessarily mean sleep (though that would be ideal). Rather, I meant keeping away from situations that are stressful, because the last thing you need right now is to feel even more aggravated. Just make sure you get adequate nutrition, no matter how bad you feel. Trust me, if you can't sleep, food is the least you can give to your body to help yourself feel less unwell. If you want you could vent to me about some of your feelings, I would be happy to help you out. Hit me up on my wall if you like, I definitely think it's good to talk through your emotions with someone at times like these. Also I've dealt with depression before, so I may be able to relate to you in some ways.
