Hi all, AMAB. I keep asking myself: am I a boy? Am I a girl? I want to be a boy, because that's my gender I feel like I really am. When 'girl-mode' has activated: I actively don't want that to be a part of myself. Whether the reasons for that are societal or not, it's hard to say. But I really do want to be my birth gender at heart. I feel like truly transgender people would want to change gender in their heart. I do not, but I feel like my body has been out of control. That potentially means there's 'fluidity'. I've feared based on horror stories I've heard of people resisting transition. But at the same time, that's not what I want. Thus, I feel like I don't fit into society, and I'm too depressed right now to even hold a job. What's the remedy? Am I forced to go on medication, even though nothing is wrong with me? Ugh.
I think you need to start on the long bumpy road to accepting yourself. You say you are afraid. What is it you are afraid of? Are there any friends you could come out to who would be able to help you talk things through a bit?
What do you mean by "'girl mode' has been activated"? Is it a period of time where you feel like you actively feel like a female? Perhaps you do not wish to change your gender because of how complicated things could be if you were genderfluid? Do you only feel like you conform to binary identities? And is the "girl mode" a very strong feeling? You could perhaps try expressing yourself differently, not just (i assume) masculinity, and observe how you feel when you do that. Would you feel more liberated?
Just a thought, Snidi, but is it possible your shifts or fluidity is aggravated by your angst and secrecy? Mine have been much less unpleasant (and possibly less frequent, too) since I started coming out to people.