For a long time I haven't talked to anyone or come out to anyone about being trans, because I still had a lot of doubts, a lot of back and forth, and I was never "sure enough" to feel right doing so. Just recently I had a brief period of going "maybe I can just live as an androgynous girl" and I tried to do so and it even worked for a month or two (which also gives me so much doubt re: am I really trans), but the trans feelings did come back afterwards. I hate being seen as a cis girl, more and more so recently, so I told some of my LGBTQ friends that I'm not cis and to use they/them pronouns (ideally I would use both he/him and they/them). But I still for some reason cannot come out as a trans guy. It feels like a huge part of me is missing from the outside world, but I'm scared I'm wrong about myself and that I want to wait until I'm 100% certain, but I've literally felt like I've been suffocating because I can't come out and live as a guy and all that, irregardless of the physical transition aspect (which is more complicated). I don't feel like only coming out to one or two friends first - I mean, I could and I probably will, initially - but as soon as I come out to a few I would want to come out to everyone. And it's really scary, plus I don't think I can tell my parents anytime soon. I don't know how people would react. It terrifies me to have to face everyone as someone who is out as a trans dude, and have to correct pronouns and answer difficult questions about it. I really, really badly want to come out but I don't know if this is the time, I don't know if maybe I'll regret it or have to retract it if I discover something different about myself later on. But I feel like my life is on pause - I'm going through the motions but I can't see myself, at least at the moment, living as who I really am until I come out. I just feel stuck. Any advice?
Except for my best friend and therapist I haven't come out to my family or friends at all. I get how you feel, I've very much been the same. Most days I can push it to the back of my mind and (almost) forget about it, and then I have days where I almost feel physical pain and I just want to cry myself to sleep. When I told my therapist (I've been seeing therapists since I was 8, and now I'm 22) he was very supportive and understanding, I was surprised because a lot of therapists don't have that much knowledge on the topic. Even after the first session we talked about it he asked me of I wanted a referal to the gender clinic for therapy there, I said no the first four months and then agreed and I'm now waiting for my first appointment. A bit anxious as I have to travel by plane to get there once a month. I waited so long because while I always wanted to be male, and I really struggled with my body, I wasn't a typical tomboy. I just appeared as gender neutral as I could without people asking questions. Maybe seeing someone can help you figure out what you want? Getting a referal to a gender clinic might be helpful? Or coming out to a close friend, maybe just tell them that you've been questioning? I believe being open and not feeling like I'm keeping a secret all the time has really helped me figure things out, even if it's only with two people I trust.
If it is something that you really want to do right know i think you probably should, don't worry to much about the future, and try to take baby steps, that way it will be easier
Start slow, dude! Tell your closest friends, see how it feels and how they react, then go about planning on how to come out next. You might find that having support from your friends makes coming out to others less scary. I actually made a list of people I wanted to come out to personally and checked them off one by one. Once I was done with all my close friends and family, I made facebook status for everyone else and it was done. It was pretty uneventful besides my fiancee.
