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Terribly confused and stressed...

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Pel, Nov 28, 2016.

  1. Pel

    Pel
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    Ok. So. Hey. I've been gone awhile since everything has been busy and hectic for me. And I am still terrible at math.

    Anyways, aside from my lack of talent with anything having to do with numbers, I've been thinking again. A lot has happened lately and frankly it's freaking me out.

    First off, apparently my parents have had suspicions about my identity. My mom when shopping made a sarcastic remark, angrily saying that we were shopping in the wrong section (the women's section). And recently she apparently sent my MTF aunt to talk to me over facebook. That really ticked me off honestly since my mom didn't ask me face to face and try to help with encouragement. Of course though, I was also relieved since I'm not ready for that talk yet. Either way, my aunt tried to tell me if anything was happening, I should tell my parents, but I don't yet want to do that, so there.

    However, that's not even really a big deal. It's just that my feelings have gotten rather... odd as of late. The intensity changes a lot. On the internet I go as a male and such, and I feel pretty content and happy that no one knows I am AFAB. And now, in random day-by-day moments, I'll have this incredibly strong urge all of a sudden to be male. All the way. I wore my binder today and honestly did not want to take it off. I've been picturing lately my parents using endearing terms like "my handsome boy" or "my wonderful son" and wanted that quite a bit. I also sometimes want that muscular physique instead of the thin and lean ones of females, like on TV and such (if I ever actually got the chance to really work out and get one of those bodies).

    However, then the moment passes just as quickly as it came, and I'm back to doubts and feeling neutral again to everything, as in I can't picture me as male or female. And a new difference now is that I don't really care anymore about female pronouns either. At first they were an annoyance, but now I barely register it, and if I do, I just can't bring myself to care. Though at the same time I kind of made things worse for myself because I've already caused a few kids to ask my identity. At first I told some friends that I was genderfluid/demiboy, and they would sort of address me as such. However as time passed, I only have one friend now who still uses male pronouns and it kinda feels awkward sometimes because they are literally the only one who does it. And my other friend is completely aware of my questioning, but still uses female pronouns and then jokingly says out loud that I want to be a guy, and I felt super embarrassed. And I just get so frustrated when I'll have a friend or two ask me what my identity is for some reason.

    And lastly, my big fear. I'm doing a project on LGBTQ+ stereotypes, and a character I am playing is trans. I am honestly pretty terrified that kids in my class will connect the dots and start to suspect me. I'm fairly sure they think I'm just a lesbian or something, but now they may think I'm trans after this presentation and I'm just really not wanting to deal with that. And then I'm back to not caring anymore and ughh my brain just gets so confused.

    With everything that's happening, I'm just not sure if I'm FTM in denial, or just some cis kid who's confused about everything. I don't even know what I'm asking for here. Advice? Insight? I don't know. I'm sorry for this probably useless post, I just had to say something because it's all just building up. Honestly, what I typed here isn't even all of it, I just didn't want to ramble about my problems since there are likely people with worse stuff happening than me. So yeah. Thanks for reading, and I appreciate any feedback.
     
  2. i am just me

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    Hi Pel :slight_smile:
    I can totally understand that you needed to get things off your heart. Questioning your gender can be so confusing at times. I'm going through something similar. I guess I'm nonbinary, but then doubt kicks in and I think I am a transguy in denial. The next day I am pretty sure I am just some messed-up cisgender female with unusual personality traits. I have also started to put much more thought into tiny feelings of what I think of as masculine and feminine. I think that's what makes me experience the shifts in the first place because they didn't start until a few weeks ago.

    But enough of my problems. Regarding your struggle with pronouns, I think it could help to not ask yourself what you are indifferent to but what feels right when you refer to yourself. Maybe try writing a story about yourself in third person and see which pronouns come naturally.

    About school: I know people can be terrible. I think you are really brave though, as you managed to come out to some friends. And don't worry too much about the play. You can still say that it's only a role. I bet most of the other characters in the play don't identify with all the gender identities and sexual orientations they act out, do they?
     
  3. Pel

    Pel
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    Thanks for the reply. I've been stressing so much about everything, so it's nice to know I'm not the only one. Though I also can't say I'm happy about it either, since I hate that you have to go through the uncertainty too.

    About pronouns, well... they can get tricky. I tried the 'pronoun dressing room' (I recommend you check it out if you haven't used it yet) and I do feel more relief with male pronouns, but then I become neutral again and I'm not sure what feels right. Maybe it's just my way of coming to terms (or maybe denial too).

    Thanks a lot for the encouragement. It's pretty fun doing the film, and I feel a bit calmer now about others seeing it. Imagine if I actually used the video to come out- wow, would that be something!

    Thanks a bunch for the reply! I really hope that you can figure things out too sometime, so feel free to message me if you need any advice (even though I really stink at helping usually). Anyone else is still welcome to reply since I do still have some nerves, or maybe that's just how I am. Oh well.