I am trying to go back to school (online college), while I am also trying to legally change my name. And my academic adviser told me that I could change my display name to my preferred name and yet there doesn't seem any way to do that. Which is not going to help me in class if I always have to see my birth name. I have to see it everywhere I turn as it is, I just would like one place where I don't have to see it when I log on. I also have (re)learned that my family is not my friend, they are just around because they feel obligated, I don't need them. They say they accept peoples differences, and yet they exclude my son from all family activities as much as possible, because he has Asperger's and mild Tourette's and can be obnoxious and rude, especially when there are a lot of kids around or if someone confronts him in away that feels threatening. And now there is me, I am finally starting to figure myself out, which part of that is the realization that I am trans and have always had these feelings and always knew I identified from inside my mind as male. I tried to be what I was supposed to be, a woman, but I was depressed so much and it took me a long time to realize it was because, no matter how much I tried to be a woman, I couldn't feel like a woman, I only felt like I was preforming my life to suite others. And now I am trying to be the man that I felt that I was but couldn't be, it feels like people are avoiding me. Making comments about, oh it's just a midlife crisis, or it's just a phase which will pass. What I can't seem to get them to understand is that this has been me my whole life, I didn't just wake up and decide that I wanted to be a boy, I have felt like I was a man inside from the earliest memories I can pull up in my mind. I can remember that I never identified with female characters as a child, I liked them but never felt that I could relate to that point of view. I wanted the toys that my brothers got, I liked barbies, but always felt jaded (there was the sense that I had to pretend I was happy with what I got, but there was always a sinking depressed feeling) when I got barbie things and my brothers got trucks when we was younger and then video game stuff when we was older. Anyways, my anxiety has hit overdrive tonight, which it is now morning and I have not slept. :dry: Plus I am hungry again which I am not trying to get into a habit of eating in the middle of the night so I am just sipping tea (not caffeine) hoping my tummy chills out. Anyways this is my middle of the night random, rant/wondery thoughts thing. Sorry if it hurt your brain to read it. :icon_sad: But I think I will hopefully be able to sleep now.
