Well, I'm 14. Born female but I'm questioning everything. I've always felt different from my friends. They always dressed so feminine and wore makeup and were always talking about boys. I hate dressing feminine. I hated having my hair down or curled or straighten. I hated it always. I hated when my mom would put make up on me for school dances and I hated how dresses made me feel. I hate having breasts. I hate when all my friends talk about is clothes. I just hate the stress of being a girl. A few months ago I cut my hair short kinda like Shaliene Woodly. My dad wasn't too happy but who cares? When it was finally short I felt free. I eventually got it cut even shorter and I loved it even more. I always wanted to have short hair like guys and be able to style it all handsome like them. I always wanted to play football with the guys in my grade rather than talk girl talk with my friends. I always wanted to be on the football team but my dad said it was a boy sport. I don't if I wanted to play because I liked playing football or because I thought I'd look hot in the uniform. Maybe both. Very formal event I just wished I could dress up fancy like men. I love men's clothes. I hated dresses and skirts and anything that made me undeniably female. I never realized how much I hated all this until now which is freshman year. This is also the year I have started being attracted to women. Women from tv to my bestest friends. I sometimes find I'm physically and emotionally attracted to women. I've always been physically attracted to men but I realize it's more in the sense that I want to be them. I want to look hot like I guys I find attractive. For a while now I have been questioning everything. I don't know where I'm at on the spectrum. Is this just a phase, am I bisexual, or a lesbian, or transgender? I don't know. But my biggest concern is that if I am, how will I be treated? My whole family is hardcore conservative and anti LGBT. When a trans female at my school started using female bathrooms my dad freaked and joined the lawsuit to get her out of women's restrooms. He's so against her and gays and he teaches me and my younger siblings about it. He always says how 'disgusting' those people are. My family is also religious. I am not. When I first told my dad that I didn't believe in a god he flipped out and I think a part of him hates me for that. I know he loves me but my dad is hardcore and he has hit me hard once before for misbehaving. I'm not saying he is abusive but he has a bad temper and will hit my siblings if they don't listen. He hasn't hit me in a long time because the night he hit me really hard I called the police. Anyway... a little while after I came out as an atheist he switched my younger siblings to a private catholic school. That was also the same time the transgender bathroom issued occurred so he uses that as an excuse for changing their school. this is why I cannot tell anyone in my family if I am part of the LGBT community. I would like to see a gender therapist but then my parents would ask questions and they would find out and probably not let me. Even though my parents are go through a divorce, if I told my mom she would still tell my dad and I don't know what to do. The closest gender therapist in like an hour away so it's not like I could go there myself. Even my friends are hardcore anti-LGBT. That's just how we were all raised. I don't know what to do and my mind has been obsessing with this for very long and I don't know who I could tell because my friends and family would disown me and I need to get this figured out. This is so stressful. Even when I got my hair short my dad got mad and made a comment about my brother being his only son. I just need help and someone to talk to. -Scared and Alone
You were so brave to reach out. (*hug*) From what you write it is likely that you are trans. You are at the age when gender dysphoria becomes a serious issue and from your description you feel it to some extent. Another strong indicator is that despite severe social pressures you are still working towards acceptance. Your first priority should be to stay safe. From how you describe your father, it is clear that you would ve taking a huge risk in coming out to him. When we first start this journey, we have a need for validation and we often seek that out in our parents and siblings. However, the reality is that comibg out before you are ready can end really badly and the family often needs a long time to reach the point when they are ready to accept you. Unfortunately, Your family most likely won't give you what you are searching for because they will need to go through a process of acceptance after you come out to them and that takes time. The good news is that there are other options that you can take. I think the best option, is to go to an LGBT center and see if you can talk to a councellor or join a support group. This will give you a safe place outside of your home where you will be able to express yourself as you want and hopefully find another home. Its important that you have somewhere to turn if you no longer feel safe at home. As your parenys are getting a divorce, you might be able to take your father out of the equation. It's probably a good idea to wait and see how your mother changes as a result of the divorce. Often when one person in a marriage is highly fanatical, the other will take on the same views as a way to strengthen the bond. However, once the bond is broken, that person will often revert to their old views and change for the better. Your connection with your mother will also most likely strengthen which might make it easier foe her to accept you. The most important thing to remember is that you have time. You are really young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Be patient and don't force yourself to do anything that you aren't ready to do. I'm glad you reached out on these forums and hopefully you will find here the answers and support that you might need. (*hug*) Eveline
