Title says it all. I can't seem to figure out wether I'm MtF trans, genderfluid, or just a cis male that really enjoys crossdressing. To give some background, I've always known that I was different since I was about 8 (I'm 31 now) but I couldn't put my finger on why. As I got older it started to come clearer. Around the age of 10 I begged my mom for some spandex leggings after seeing a girl at my school wearing a pair, and got them. The day I wore them to school went well. I don't remember being picked on, more or less shunned by everyone including friends. I couple years later I accidentally wore an older pair of shorts to school that were so small they looked like booty shorts (coupled with an oversized T-shirt) and I got picked on pretty bad. Summer that same year my mom, younger siblings and I went shoe shopping at an outlet mall and I found some wedge-heeled sandals (about 4" high) that I really wanted, but I couldn't bring myself to ask my mom about. Then a year later my little brother accidentally introduced me to adult magazines (odd, I know. My little brother had found a stash of my dad's magazines in a storage room that was adjacent to our room). That's when I first saw a woman wearing a pair of stiletto heels and I just wanted them like I've never wanted something before. A couple years later (roughly around the age of 14 or 15) was when I got curious about how it felt to wear women's clothes and stared cross dressing using my mom's clothes (I honestly don't think she cared I did it. She usually got mad when I didn't return the clothes I borrowed). It was also around this time that I started to try and make my own high heeled shoes out of an older pair of sandals my mom had, old wooden blocks and tape. I also noticed that, by the time I was 17ish, I not only liked big boobs (yay porn?) but I wanted to have big boobs of my own too. I was finally able to get my own stuff at the age of 19 (yay for own bank account! :icon_bigg ) and within a year I had about a dozen stripper heels, a couple outfits, a wig and larger breast forms. Even though I always got aroused when I dressed (and I did take care of the tension most of the time) I usually felt an odd sense of complete peace when I managed to settle down, every time I dressed. I continued to dress up until about the age of 23. By this time I had moved in with my girlfriend (now wife who knew about it and said she was ok with it) and had largely stopped. I kept my stuff up until we stared to have my nephews at our house rather regularly and I threw it all out not wanting them to find that stuff and face all the questions of why their uncle has girl clothes. I never dressed in public (too embarrassed and too scared of running into someone that knew me as I lived in a small city at the time). But my desire to dress never went away and I also became super aware of how my body is and became very self conscious as I noticed that my body is very feminine from the neck down, aside from very large hands and feet, and that my chest has no male pectoral definition and it looks like I started to grow breasts (my friends jokingly refer to them as my "farmer's titties"). My desire to dress and look and feel feminine has never gone away and seems to have increased over time. I also lived kinda vicariously through Twitter as I followed a lot of trans accounts (both SFW and NSFW). Sorry for the long post. I started this last night and finished this morning. I'm sure I may have forgotten a few things, but that's the gist of it. I'm tired of questioning my gender identity and would love to hear what you all think about my situation and anything that I can do to get this resolved! Thank you! :icon_bigg :icon_wink
Hi Rokara. I don't have any complete answers for you, but I can share some questions and thoughts. It sounds as though you are drawn to presenting yourself as a female, and I didn't get from your post that you're especially interested in presenting as a male except to fit in with society more easily because that's your birth gender. So do you identify as sort of as-female-as-possible? What would you do about your gender if there were no consequences (but with there being no magic wand)? How would you live? Have you ever considered transitioning? (I'm not specifically suggesting it, just curious.) A lot of us on this forum (at least a lot of us newbi(e)s) seem to really want a clear label that tells us what we are. For me, I think I want that in order to help me find people who share some of my experiences, to help me make decisions, and to help me explain when I come out to other people. I think most of the available labels are used a little differently by different people, and even the idea of what a particular gender constitutes seems to vary depending on who you're talking to, so I think the best we can hope for is a term that feels right, makes sense, helps us find our group in the tribe, and makes it easier to share who we are. Oh, keep in mind that the terms aren't mutually exclusive! For instance, I'm bi-gender, and some people would say that makes me trans as well, which is fine with me. If you don't want or need something precise, you can just call yourself a t-girl. That describes a lot of us. ---------- Post added 30th Nov 2016 at 12:04 PM ---------- Oh, I forgot to mention...I wonder if it would be helpful to people if I put together a little tool where you answer a series of questions and it comes back with one or more terms you could use to describe yourself, with explanations for each?
I knew I was forgetting something lol. I've never really felt comfortable presenting as male, nor ever felt like I was masculine. I played football from 4th thru 12th grades and by the time high school rolled around it went from something I enjoyed to just something I did to be "one of the guys". I've never liked being in a group of guys as i feel completely out of place and like I "don't belong" and when in a group situation where it's mostly guys I still feel the same way and tend to gravitate more towards the gals (which in turn, made me feel out of place because I wasn't female or presenting as such). Transitioning has crossed my mind, but I never had the courage to come out or even to make the leap of finding a therapist. However, I have latched onto a couple female names that, would transitioning be a good thing for me, I would take on in a heartbeat. The main confusion for me is that when I dressed in female clothes, I always get aroused. I've read and been told that's normal, but its kinda confusing. I absolutely love female clothing as I find it more comfortable to wear than men's clothing (not to mention I absolutely love the variety of women's clothes too). I apologize if I seem like I'm rambling. I'm only on a few hours of sleep and about to check on my youngest nephew who's napping and get supper going lol
Oh, I completely know what you mean. I'm pretty sure that's why it took me so much longer than it should have for me to understand that I had a different gender than everyone assumed...I always thought it was some kind of strange kink. So if you feel like/are only comfortable as a female, then it sounds like you identify as female, which if you are down with the idea that gender is what happens between the ears maybe means you're not genderfluid or a cisgender male, but rather some flavor of trans? I mean, it's really hard to know what to do next with the idea that you're female but that you usually present as male. ---------- Post added 30th Nov 2016 at 06:46 PM ---------- Clarification about the "strange kink" part: I'm not talking about just dressing specifically, but doing anything that made me feel more female.
going to a therapist doesn't mean you need to be comfortable with transitioning beforehand. If you can only afford it, do so just to get yourself sorted out, so that they ask you the right questions which prompt the right kind of self exploration. Your focus on clothing may suggest crossdressing desires (which often are combined with feeling feminine while doing so, or desire to be feminine and then crossdressing to fullfil that desire - and while it can be sexual, I mean it in a much broader sense). However your stated discomfort with presenting male could very much hint at being transgender. Of course, online exploration is perfectly fine, it's just that the best advice is to actually talk to a professional in person in order to identify how much of it is sexual for you, and how much constitutes an identity.
I'm resurrecting this as I feel I have a bit more to add (and now that I got a little bit of free time after a hectic couple weeks with Thanksgiving, wife/rommates shifting work schedules and sick kiddos). The desire to present as feminine is always there, to varying degrees. Sometimes its really strong, others not so much. It usually manifests itself as a tightness/burning in my chest and gets especially strong when I'm looking at my favorite items of ladies clothing (heels and dresses. I've got loads of things save from various buy/sell/trade groups on FB and a whole folder of bookmarks dedicated to clothing items I've found on Amazon). There are times when it seems to completely go away. Make-up is another thing I'm becoming more interested in (I've caught myself staring intently as my female roommate goes through her routine when putting it on and been embarrassed by it, even tho she's stated many times that she's cool with it) and have found a few make-up tutorials online that I can't seem to bring myself to watch (not sure why). I present as male all the time, mainly because it allows me to fit in and as previously stated, I've never presented as female in public before (it honestly terrifies me, especially what might happen if the wrong person/people figure out that I'd basically be a dude in women's clothes at this point).
One last thing to add to this: I tend to get envious of women that wear certain types of clothes, and even of their body types (I tend to get more envious of the women that have larger breasts/long legs and appear to be physically fit) and find myself wishing that I could look like that (doesn't matter if it's porn, a model in a photo shoot, ect. Even certain celebs on the red carpet I get this way about). I apologise for the randomness. I tend to try and focus on too many things and my thoughts also come in waves at random times lol :icon_redf:icon_redf:icon_redf
