Okay so I posted something similar but at that time I was getting closer to coming out, and I was in one of those phases where I temporarily felt sure of myself. But since then, I've gone back to resigning myself to living the rest of my life as a girl. I realised I was a boy when I was four but I told myself to forget about it. I liked skirts and dresses and pink and I didn't like the idea of having to wear 'boy's clothes' or cutting my hair short, and I knew nobody would consider me a boy otherwise. It didn't stop me from spending the rest of my life secretly, always, valiantly hoping for the day I could be myself. Everything I did as a child until now that seemed strange, makes sense when I realise that all those actions were me struggling to be a boy without ever being able to. I came out when I was fourteen to my sister. At first she was accepting and for a little while, I lived in a bubble finally being called 'he' and 'him' and I was happy even if the other people I tried to tell just disregarded it. But then she changed. I can't really say why. I had to lie to her that I was mistaken, and forced myself back into the closet. After that, I lost all confidence in myself and I haven't been sure since. It's less like finding a different identity and more like... fading away, losing the person I really was. Suddenly my identity was consumed by fear and eaten away, and I haven't been able to get it back since. Just little fragments of it. But the desire to be a boy is still strong, it's the only thing I ever wanted and I pray that in my dreams at night, I will dream about being a boy. Because it's the only place that I can be. I'm scared though. I don't want to lose the love of boys who won't ever love me anyways, I don't want my parents to hate me, I don't want to lose what little I have right now. And I'm scared that I have two choices - I can either give in to the thing my four-year-old self hated and force myself to give up the things I love; or I will be forever unloved by men who won't see me as a man. If I take this choice, I won't even be a normal woman either. What would be best for me? Coming out and 'conforming', coming out and being myself, or just staying like this? Well, I don't even know myself so I doubt anybody can tell me. This is something I need to answer on my own. But I want to hear from other people... would you consider me a boy? And to any gay men, would you love somebody like this? Thank you for reading this. I really need some advice because this has been killing me for years.
