I'm bi-gender. I mostly live in my male self, but over the past ten years or so I've slowly been getting to understand the female self that has been with me my at least since childhood. Over the past days, because reasons, connecting with my female side has been kicked into overdrive. It's hard to concentrate at work, and whenever I'm alone (like on my commute) I just sit there processing and processing all of this stuff that has been held back for so long. So with so much happening in my head so quickly, I don't entirely trust my ideas of what I will be or can be or should do. I guess time will help me sort all that out. Sorry this post is so long. There's so much that's been coming out for me, all at once! OK, so, anyway, one of the things I've been figuring out is that I want to transform some physically. I don't want to transition to female, because I still really feel part male, so I've been really thinking about what I can do to be able to feel more feminine when I'm female but to still be able to be masculine at other times. It's really, really exciting to me, because I don't think it's ever occurred to me that I could really be my full female self without giving up the ability to be fully male, but now I think that maybe I can. I'll never be a young woman -- I'm in my forties -- and I'll never be especially beautiful, and I probably won't be able to pass, but at least I might be able to look natural and nice. One of my problems has been that I've always felt like dressing up is putting on a costume, and I don't want to put on a disguise: I want to take off a disguise! I'm very, very lucky to have a loving partner who knows all about my gender and is supportive and encouraging. However, one of my big worries is that some of the things that I'm beginning to plan to do will be unattractive to her. She's away on a trip right now, but I'll talk about all this with her as soon as we have some time and privacy, once she's back. In the mean time, I'm just buying some clip-on earrings and a hairband. I know that's very trivial, but I've never bought any girl things of my own, and I've always wanted to wear those two things. Even with my currently short hair, I think I can manage a style that might look passably feminine. But I haven't planned on dressing before because of that disguise thing and because of you know, being petrified of being rejected as a freak and all of that. I'm still not planning on really dressing any time soon, but somehow the earrings and hairband seem like things I could wear as real actual me, at least in our home. So here's what I'm picturing with these physical changes. First, I'm working on losing weight again. I'm pretty fit and strong, with good endurance, but I'm probably 30 pounds or more above my ideal weight. I've been down close to my ideal weight before, but as a woman I'm really excited about shedding the excess weight I'm holding now, whereas as a man I've only felt mildly motivated. Slimness doesn't have anything to do with gender, but it does have to do with being able to fit into nicer clothes and cut a nicer figure with them. Also, fat tends to show up on different places in men and women, so by losing it, I can get closer to a body that can go either way and still look decent. Second, I'm planning to grow my hair out to my shoulders. I've been learning about facial shape and hairstyles, and that length seems like it would look the nicest on me as a woman. The thing I don't think I had considered is that it also can look nice on a man! I have this picture in my mind of having long, healthy hair that I can style as a man-mane when I'm being a man and in all kinds of pretty styles when I'm being a woman. I've always been powerfully drawn to the idea of having long hair, but somehow always thought I wouldn't be able to "get away with it". Third, I want to take better care of my hair and skin. I already am careful about my hair, but if I'm really going to grow it out, I need to start drying it differently and using different products in it and everything. If I want to present my female side well, I'll also want to take better care of my skin. I've always pictured having to manage your hair and skin like this being a burden, but I think it can help me stay connected to my female side, and so now that's exciting, too. Fourth, I may want to get rid of some body hair. Actually, I think I really do, I'm just a little more scared about this one, especially if I decide to do electrolysis or something. We were in Montreal this past summer, and at a beach there were a bunch of beautiful young men and women playing volleyball. I realized to my surprise that the men all shaved or waxed or otherwise got rid of their body hair! Chests, under arms, legs...I don't think I had ever admitted to myself that this is something a male can do and not be considered to be crossdressing. Down here in the United States, it's probably much more marginal than it is up there, but if I can shave my legs, for instance, and not give up the ability to be seen as a male, then that's amazing. I've always been a little meh about having body hair and have certainly never gotten any enjoyment from it. I've fantasized about getting rid of it. Some time before too long, I think I might do that, maybe even for good. I have this rosy picture in my imagination that as a result of doing this, I could easily look more masculine or feminine whenever I wanted, just by choosing my clothes and doing my hair and, as a female, doing my make-up. I wouldn't need wigs or special preparations, and it wouldn't feel like a costume because it would be really me. I don't think there's anything *wrong* with costumes: on the contrary, I think exploring gender and allowing yourself to be someone else can be gorgeous and revelatory! I'm just so excited at the idea that it might be possible for me to be as female as I get just as myself, without giving up my male self. OK, there are probably about a hundred things wrong with that, and I don't mind you telling me about them, but thanks for listening. I'm excited and scared, and I'm grateful to have you all to share this with. I'd love to hear your experience and hopes and advice. ---------- Post added 1st Dec 2016 at 03:29 PM ---------- Oh, I forgot to add about the weight loss that the excitement I have about it from my feminine side is making it really fun and exciting so far. I realized that this morning, when I was feeling hungry from not having had as much food as I usually do and the hunger felt delightful, like a physical indication of getting closer to being me. That sounds ridiculous to me, and I know it might not last, but I'm going to ride it as far as I can.
I am bigender too. Just came to that realization earlier this year and learning what it means for me. Currently trying to balance the two especially when I am both at the same time. I found it interesting that you feel like taking better care of your skin and hair more a feminine thing. I agree with you. Make-up and skin care do feel more feminine. I feel like you can learn to express both genders without transitioning. Growing out your hair is one way of many probably. Dressing as the opposite gender within your style can also be a way that might help to rid your thoughts of it being a disguise or costume.
Thanks for commenting, Stormy. What are you doing for yourself? How is it going? A little update: so today after work I went to the grocery store and bought mousse, then to a department store, where after much searching I found the hairband and earrings I wanted, and I bought them. I can't decide whether the two salespeople I talked to (one because I couldn't find the clip-on earrings and one to check out) were really looking at me weirdly or not. It really, really seemed like it! I could have made an excuse, even without lying, saying I needed to get things for my daughter's Christmas stocking and that she doesn't have her ears pierced yet. All of which is true! But I left that as a last resort and didn't try to make an excuse for myself. Maybe that's what made the suspicious look happen. Maybe a cis male would have felt he had to make the excuse to make it absolutely clear the things weren't for him. Or maybe it's just my paranoia. That really seems the most likely. It probably would've helped if those hadn't been all I was buying. But I got through that pretty well, and then had to go to an evening meeting and sit for the ages it took to finish while my new things sat neglected in the car, and then I finally came home, shaved carefully, did my hair with the mousse and the hairband, put on the earrings, and I'm now sitting typing to you wearing that plus a pair of tight jeans and a top knotted at my waist. I don't think there's any chance I'd pass (well, maybe in a dimly-lit room after several stiff drinks), but it wasn't about that: it was about feeling like the feminine me in only my own things and without any special help. It's taking some getting used to, but it's nice. I keep shaking my head to feel the weight of the earrings on them.
I am not out to my family, and am only out to one friend as bigender. Not that my family wouldn't be supportive, but I am not sure they would really get it or understand. I hadn't even realized till maybe a month or so ago that I was bigender, so I am still deciding if i even want to come out to immediate family. Currently I start my days figuring out what gender I am in the morning and then kind of dressing to appease that gender. Being AFAB it is a bit easier to pass as either gender without raising suspicion luckily. Also I already have somewhat short hair. On male or guy days I try to dress is clothing that is a little less feminine so plainer tops with colors that are more neutral or less girly (less pink). Sometimes I wear a hat whether that is a beanie or a snapback. If something causes dysphoria I try to avoid that and choose something else. On female or girl days, sometimes I decide to do my makeup or experiment with makeup, wear different earrings if i want, or perfume. The in the middle days are interesting because I have to find the balance between the two halves. I feel like I could have gotten away with makeup today if i wanted to wear it, but trying on pink shirt caused dysphoria. Mind you the makeup would have probably been plainer with more neutrals. I am still figuring it all out. I would also probably have been a bit paranoid in your situation. Most people do feel the need to make excuses for buying things that don't quite fit with normal gender expression in society. And yes it may have helped to have more items in your basket, but I can't imagine it is any less weird than guys buying period products for their girlfriends. Also dressing more feminine to bring out your more feminine side is not necessarily about passing it is about being whomever you are. Going outside while not passing, eh maybe not my cup of tea. However, I totally relate to the shaking your head to feel the weight of the earrings. It is a common female practice. It is especially true when you get jingle bell earrings, because they make noise when you shake them around...
Oh, Stormy, thanks for posting more. I think I know that feeling of navigate-by-dysphoria, though in my wardrobe everything is very muted: blacks, blues, browns, grays...all colors that feel comfortable in either gender. It's woeful, is what it is, but I'll have to make a lot more progress with my identity before I know what to do about it. But there might be a snuggly sweater, or a more manly shirt, and I tend to follow those instincts as well as I can. In future I expect to shop with my wife or online, so hopefully the terror-inducing situations can be avoided, or at least sheltered a little. I have no idea how much shopping is in my future, though. That partly will depend on how my wife reacts to all of my swirling ideas and half-worked-out-intentions, not to mention to my new earrings and hairband. She has been unshakably loving and supportive so far, but I'm still really scared about saying "Hey, can I show you something I bought and tried on while you were away at that conference?" Ack, right? I think you have a good point about passing not being so much the concern in private. What do you think about coming out to your family? Soon/eventually/maybe someday/not gonna happen? At the moment I'm thinking I might come out to my sisters before long, but not to my brother (who likes to establish himself as an authority on things and has an undergrad psychology degree, so no thank you) or my dad (I think he'd be supportive, but completely flummoxed and unable to reconnect with me) or my mom (who is a lesbian but also has had some dotty behavior in recent years, so she might be baffled or she might hug me tearfully and make excruciatingly embarrassing comments forever). Kit
Hey Kit, Yeah I can understand the wardrobe thing and having to go shopping. My wardrobe is a bit too girly for my male side sometimes, which makes it challenging. I mean I have a lot of blues, blacks or greys, but they are styled in not a gender neutral way. Eventually i may end up getting more plain t-shirts or something. It sometimes takes me a while to figure out which side of the spectrum I am on each day. I always feel like me, but some days i feel more off or not quite the right gender than on other days. I think everyone who is bigender has the trouble of navigating the shifts of idenitity. Shopping for a few things to add to your wardrobe that either have more color or are styled more feminine could be good. I would say try shopping on days that you are either in the middle or on days you feel feminine because I sometimes feel dysphoria from looking at girly things like dresses when my brain feels male. I wish you a lot of luck with speaking with your wife. I am sure if she has been loving and supportive up to now that she will be supportive of this too. The only reaction I can think of right now that would be negative would be her being disappointed that she wasn't able to go with you to pick things out ... But that may be a bit of a fantasy compared to reality. Passing isn't really a private concern because it is about feeling like yourself, but when out in public I would be afraid to run into people I know when dressing like a guy (if i was somewhat passing and really dressing like a guy). But also it would be about the nerves from having attention from strangers. I think it is a common thing to worry what people think of you sometimes. I am already out to my best friend, and deciding to maybe eventually come out to another close friend. But I am not sure I would come out to that many of my other friends because I am not sure how they would react. (Plus how do start that conversation anyway?) I doubt I will ever come out to extended family. Immediate family maybe someday but not everyone. I mean my brother would probably be indifferent to it, and life would go on as normal. Other people in my family either wouldn't get it or it wouldn't be worth telling them. My mom I am contemplating telling. I am not worried about her not accepting me. I am worried that she won't understand and just kind of brush it off as something other than what it is. Also because it is so new to me (just realized around October this year), I feel like she might question me on not really knowing that I am bigender and that this might be a phase. I think coming out to your sister could be good. And coming out to your mom could be a good thing. I feel like all mom's are going to be a little baffled at the news that "Mom, I am not a wo/man... I am both a woman and a man in one body. I am bigender, which means I am sometimes a woman, sometimes a man, and sometimes both." I am honestly not even sure how one would start that conversation with a family member or parent. With my best friend coming out was easy because after telling her I was bisexual, I didn't feel like it was a big thing to tell her this too. My mom is another matter. I haven't told her any of my idenitities (orientation or gender identity), so it is going to feel like a bigger deal than it did previously. When did you figure out that you were bigender? I mean mine was fairly recently, but I think that was because I had been repressing being bisexual and fearful of what everyone else would think of me (especially family or parents). Looking back do you see things in your life that make you go "Ah... that makes sense now." I mean I have some of those moments where certain things looking at them now knowing that I am bigender make a lot more sense. Stormy
Stormy, one thing that I was thinking as I read your post is how grateful I am to be talking with you about this, two people who started on separate sides of the forest and now have met for a conversation right in the middle of the woods as we work on each building homes on both sides. That's a comforting idea for me. I have trouble feeling legitimate as my non-birth gender, and then I have more trouble feeling legitimate about my shifts because they're not simple and obvious unless I really exert myself. The idea that it's just inherently hard and confusing to change from one gender to another makes a lot of sense and helps me feel a little less incapable. That really is a possibility! I don't want her to feel sidelined, or that I am not crazy grateful for her love and support, so I'm hoping if she does feel this way that it can be amended by me going further out of my comfort zone and talking about shopping for something (small!) together. My birthday is coming up, and I asked her to consider getting me a present that would help me connect better with my girl side. I said "It's fine if it's outside my comfort zone, as long as it doesn't out me to anyone we know." Ulp! I guess I'll see what comes of that. I'm hoping it contributes to her feeling part of what's going on with me. Awkwardly? Very, very awkwardly? I hadn't heard the term before this past week! It's helping me get clearer on who I think I am. But I've known I was "part girl" for a long, long time. From childhood into my thirties I thought I was a person who was trying very hard not to be a crossdresser, and then (about ten years ago) I got a chance to regularly be my girl-self in a very limited way (virtual reality) and quickly realized I was bisexual too. It's been like trying to finish a research paper that I didn't know was assigned and for which there is only one correct topic, but no one has told me what it is. Oh, so many things! Kit
bi gender here too. I figured that out about 2 years ago. my questions lately has been where is the balance? so with much soul searching, meditation and counseling I've figured out that there is a bit of male in me and I do present, for now as male. I am mostly female in the inside and intend to move in that direction eventually.
Hi Sarah, I might be reading too much between the lines, but it sounds as though it may have been pretty rough for you so far. How have things been? How are things now? How do you feel about being part male, too? Kit
I am also grateful to be talking about this with someone else who identifies with bigender. The one friend I told about being bigender is supportive. I am grateful for that too, but sometimes it is harder to connect or talk about this topic of being bigender because when you haven't experienced something it is harder to identify or understand completely. Honestly, I have trouble figuring out which gender I am sometimes or when I shift sometimes. It is not always simple to tell. Honestly being two genders in general is confusing. It is hard because society tells us nothing about this and the internet isn't really very forthcoming with a ton of openly bigender people that closeted folk can look to for validation of what they are going through or even just information. Transgender is more openly talked about in the last ten years, but bigender is kind of glossed over with genderfluid. I mean the only person who is famous that I know of that is genderfluid I think is Ruby Rose from Orange is the New Black, but that still isn't bigender necessarily. So I think a headband and some earrings are minor in the scheme of thing and she will probably be okay with you getting them. I think she will be open to ideas, may take a while for her to warm up to some of it perhaps. I think people around us take on some of our self conscious nature when dealing with other people knowing. They get nervous about what other people will think of them or the people in their family. I think from family and friends it is that they don't want people to look at your family different or treat you or her differently because of your identity. Perhaps discuss it with her. Yeah I can only think that the conversation with anyone about coming out as bigender or multigender is going to be rather awkward. And I doubt highly there is anyway around that. For me I didn't realize I was bigender till this year maybe around October. I hadn't really heard of it much before then, perhaps maybe running across it with some of my favorite youtube video bloggers. I was always a "tom boy" and felt I was not as girly as the other females my age. I think I have been either both genders or female for a long time and/or just not really noticing the switch much. In October I had a day where I felt strongly I was a boy, which for me was just very strange. I can agree that gender and sexual identity hunts are like a research paper that no one told you anything about. I look back on certain events and just think "Was that from being bigender? If I had been just a girl, would that have been what I did?" -Stormy ---------- Post added 2nd Dec 2016 at 03:10 PM ---------- I totally get the sentiment of "where is the balance?" because balancing the two genders can get confusing and stressful. On days where I am both I find it kind of switches more often to slightly more female or slightly more male. It has taken me a bit of soul searching and thinking as well to come to terms with both this new gender identity and figuring out how I want to present. Good luck with eventually moving towards a more female presentation Sarah. The end result is about being comfortable with yourself both inside and out. -Stormy
I've never heard of bi-gender before, and just like that it's hit me that maybe this is what I've been experiencing / feeling the last year and a half - I need to read more about it. Any tips?
Hey Luke, I would maybe start by looking up the definition and seeing if that fits with what you are feeling. Everyone is a little different in how they experience being bigender. But from what I take it to mean it is about switching between two genders. For example, you could be male, female, or both simultaneously. Also I have started something I saw in another thread somewhere (possibly not on this site). Every day check in with yourself and see what gender you are. Then you will know how it is changing and what genders you do identify with. You may also want to write down if you are more genderfluid or just bigender. PS there is another thread I started that has an article about indirect signs of dysphoria that you may want to look at. here is a link to the article “That was dysphoria?†8 signs and symptoms of indirect gender dysphoria | Zinnia Jones My realization of being bigender started with a day where I couldn't shake the feeling of being very male, when i am AFAB. But everyone is different in how they experience or come to the realization of being bigender.
Just for contrast (though keep in mind I'm still finding my way around this complicated thing I've found out about myself), my sense of gender sometimes shifts back and forth several times in a day.
Kit, I can only imagine that can get complicated. I usually start the day as one gender, and have yet to experience shifting between genders but I don't rule out that could happen. When I am on days where I am both genders at once, I can have shifts where I am slightly more male or slightly more female. Although on those days I am still both genders at about half and half.
