1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Any tips for coming out to a family member as not cisgender?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by StormyVale, Dec 2, 2016.

  1. StormyVale

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2016
    Messages:
    152
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hey everyone,

    I am thinking about coming out to my mother as bigender perhaps before the end of the year or early next year. I feel like the rest of my family will not understand, or will just look at me differently after telling them, or not really care either way/be indifferent.

    I don't really know what she thinks of the whole topic of transgender people and gender nonconformity. I don't know if she really knows much about any of this. I tried testing the waters when I was just starting to figure out that I was bigender by talking to her about something i saw online(which didn't actually exist). I told her it was a thing about how there are more than two genders. I tried explaining it, and she seemed somewhat receptive. I feel in retrospect that I was floundering on some of it possibly or got some minor things wrong at the time. After testing the waters, I am not any more sure of her reaction than I was before I tested her knowledge for a reaction.

    I was wondering if anyone had any tips about coming out to their family as trans, bigender or any other non cis-gender identity.
     
  2. AnAtypicalGuy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 25, 2016
    Messages:
    515
    Likes Received:
    17
    Location:
    Gallifrey
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I'm helping my friend come out to their parents as genderfluid tomorrow. They're unsure of how to explain their gender in person, so what I suggested was for them to write a letter. Maybe you could try this too. In this way you can carefully think through what you want to say, and how to say it; you'll be able to lay out everything that you feel is relevant. Have you spoken to any of your friends about your gender identity? If so, have you told them that you plan on coming out to your mum? Having supportive friends by your side may help to increase your confidence.

    If you would rather come out in person, that's ok too. Just keep in mind that you'd need to do a great deal more of explaining, simply because the concept of being bigender is unfortunately not very well-known. That's not to say that binary trans people don't struggle with explanations, but I suppose it's a little bit more straightforward because many people have heard of transgender people nowadays. Plan ahead what you're going to say, and prepare to answer any strange and possibly invasive questions, so long as they aren't inappropriate or plain rude. Even if you ditch your planning at the last moment and wing it, the fact that you would have thought through your points at least once is good enough.

    It's good that you decided to test the waters. From what you described, your mum seems quite reasonable, which is fortunate. Still, it's impossible to predict anyone's reaction to coming out as trans/bi etc, which is why I advise that you tell somebody else first so that they can help you out if necessary.
     
  3. StormyVale

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2016
    Messages:
    152
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thanks.

    I actually did come out to one close friend, and possibly may come out to one other close friend. Writing a letter to even organize my thoughts would probably be good. It would also help me be prepared for any questions she might have too. I am not sure if I am doing it all that soon, but maybe after the stress of the holidays when thigns have calmed down. I have told my friend that knows I am bigender that I may come out to her. In general, it is either going to happen in person or via email. Either direction I go, I know that I am going to have to speak to her in person at some point, which is what makes me most nervous.

    I know I am going to need to explain a bit more than usual because although transgender has a lot of visibility now and genderfluid has some visibility if you look hard enough, bigender has no visibility in the public eye. I know I am going to have to explain it well or use online information. It is really impossible to predict someone's reaction to coming out in general, but hopefully when I do pluck up the courage it does go well.

    Also I wish you and your friend the best in their coming out as genderfluid to their parents!
     
  4. AnAtypicalGuy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 25, 2016
    Messages:
    515
    Likes Received:
    17
    Location:
    Gallifrey
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Come out whenever you feel like it, only you can determine what time would be the best for you. You're right in that it's inevitable that your mother will want to speak to you in person. Would it help if you were given a small amount of time between coming out and that face-to-face discussion? If so, maybe arrange to go to one of your friends' house overnight, and just before leaving come out to your mum, whether that's by speaking or handing her a letter etc. This is what my friend is doing, as they feel it would be easier on them to have some cooling-down time between those two rather stressful days.

    Looking through online information would certainly help. If you need additional help in finding what to say or write, feel free to message me on my wall.

    I wish you the best of luck, and thank you!
     
  5. StormyVale

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2016
    Messages:
    152
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thanks. I will probably post about it however it goes. May wait a while until I am more comfortable in explaining it and/or comfortable with really knowing this is the right label. This is still a bit new to me.