Does the thought of not being trans scare you?

When I was first questioning it definitely did. I hated myself so much that if I wasn't trans I'd have no other options or answers, I probably would have offed myself as there was nothing else I could do. I think you just need to overcome this stage and come to realise that you are the woman you know you are. I haven't doubted myself in months now. I know who I am and I'm so much happier for it. I think when you're just realising and still coming to terms you start to get a bit obsessive with researching and looking at others transitions that it can make you believe it's all in your head and you're forcing yourself to believe it but you'll get past that stage eventually once you settle down in your identity.

 

Same. When I first figured it out I went back and forth every day thinking I was/wasn't, it was seriously confusing. Now I know for sure though, haven't had any real doubts since January.

 

Brooke Victoria,

When I read your writing, it sounds like a woman/female writing it. It doesn't sound male to me. I don't know if that means anything or not.

Also I know I am not transgender in the binary sense, but since I have started to question my gender, I have wondered "Am I making all this up? Am I really Bigender? Or am I just a tom-boy?" For me to answer that I have been trying to keep track of my switches and what gender I am on each day for a week or two now. I kind of have the opposite fear that you have. I have some fear that I am really transgender or that I am just a female who presents as a tom-boy. However, when I think about it, I know that I have days where I am female and there are days where I am male. You just have to be confident that you are who you think you are.

 

I've been transitioning for 3 and a half years and I still sometimes think maybe it was all in my head and I've made a mistake. For the most part though that feeling seems to happen when I am really feeling down, so I link it to my mental illness.

 

I definitely think that...when I was first coming out to myself, the thought of being trans was scary, but now, the idea of not is more terrifying because I know I don't really internally identify as a woman, but if there was to somehow be proof that I "wasn't trans enough" I think I would be even more scared...I think it's less of a fear of others reactions, and more of a fear that I don't know myself. Or maybe, just that because I have no context for myself in society, I doubt myself and think that I'll be alone forever, or something like that..

 

I am extremely confident, but we all have doubts sometimes I'm sure. XD It's mostly when people post those "tests" online that I feel dysphoric- like, is the lower side of your forward more prominent? Do you keep your lids half-closed? These things don't determine anything, I know that, but it does shake my confidence sometimes...

 

Tbh it sounds suicidal. A trans identity is, at best, social suicide. So the thought of not being trans doesn't scare me. If it turns out I'm not I can just blame it on gender mainstreaming and play the victim.

 

I know what you mean, StormyVale. For me it’s a double dose: I’m scared that I’m making the whole thing up and also scared that I’m binary trans and can’t accept it. But I have three months’ worth of charting my gender fluctuations and although they seem to have slowed down somewhat and I’m spending more time in the middle, my gender still isn’t static. I get days when I feel all female, days when I feel all male, days when I feel some mix of the two (occasionally equally both with a bias one way on top) and then there are days when I suddenly feel all female and dysphoric to match. It’s annoying and I hate it – sometimes I wish I had a static gender because then there would be more set ways to be in society, but at the same time I love the fact that I have more freedom, sort of, in terms of my expression, even if the lack of ability to plan for it in advance is irksome.

It’s getting easier over time as I’m more open about it and have started telling people that not only is it a thing for me, but I’d like them to use different pronouns as well when appropriate. And you know, maybe one day I will identify as MtF trans. I do have to be open to that fact, even though at this stage it doesn't feel entirely right.

---------- Post added 7th Dec 2016 at 11:05 AM ----------

I should add that the question of "Am I trans or just imagining things?" comes up most often when I go for long stretches as male without any shifts. I was like that for the entire month of May this year. While it was very nice to feel consistently comfortable in my own body, it also felt very wrong because the absence of shifts meant parts of my past were completely inexplicable, but at the same time the idea of being permanently female also didn't explain things fully. When the shifts started again my life made sense again.

 

I think that's a bit strong. Being trans isn't necessarily social suicide, depending on where you come from. In a liberal area, it isn't nearly as hard. My life would be much easier if I weren't trans, but it isn't awful right now.

I would love to be cis, but I would also hate to be wrong about being trans, even if I would love to not have dysphoria and avoid transition. Not only would it suck to have to explain to my family that I was wrong, I would also worry about it encouraging people I know to not take other trans people seriously. People love to use the "but this person changed their mind and isn't actually trans, so you're probably not trans either and it's just a phase" argument. I don't want to give them fuel.

---------- Post added 6th Dec 2016 at 10:05 PM ----------

That's my experience too. I have a brain that often sees things as very black and white with no in between, so what I'm feeling at one moment can make it feel like I've always felt that way and will feel that way forever. On days when I don't have significant dysphoria, it can be very hard to convince myself that I ever had dysphoria at all, and I start to worry that I'm not actually trans. On days when I have really bad dysphoria, I can't even begin to imagine how I ever doubted myself.

 

Yes. I'm not even having undergone surgery or even know what my sexuality is, but I feel that way too, like it's all in my head...

Good luck and remember that it's all mental!

-Answering

 

Same - I still have those days all the time. I think it's totally normal, especially with everything that people these days are saying (such as "it's just a phase" or "you just want attention"). I think that it's kind of the same as when you doubt yourself in simple everyday things - it's obvious what the right thing is but sometimes you still just feel like "but is this the right thing?". I hope I made sense - but basically I feel this way too sometimes. Don't worry.

 

Hats,

I totally get where you are coming from... I find it irksome that I don't know what gender I will be each day. I have had a string of in the middle or male recently and I find it weird. I am not sure if one gender (whichever it is) is better than having both or not. Sometimes I feel more normal when I have both, and other times I feel more dysphoric.

I don't know if I would rather be fully trans or cisgender. I can't rule out the possibility of either in the future. I haven't started to ask people to use different pronouns because I am not out to many people. My best friend knows but I am not sure how I would even begin to signal what kind of day it is and which pronouns to use... and if no one else in our company knows then I feel like it would be weird.

My life makes more sense now that I understand that I am bigender vs feeling not quite female for most of my life. Can't say I am used to the shifts yet but that will come with time.

---------- Post added 6th Dec 2016 at 09:48 PM ----------

I don't know about Hats, but I can verify that it can be annoying because you don't know when you will shift or what gender you will move to sometimes. I mean so far I only have changed when I wake up if I did change at all. It is interesting though because some days you don't have dysphoria since you are the gender you were assigned at birth and other days it is worse because you are either the opposite gender or both at the same time.
As Hats said, it makes it challenging to plan anything to wear for the next day because you don't know what gender you will be.