So uh.. Basically this started a few weeks ago when I started to think about myself. people have been asking me what "I want" and I didn't know. Then I saw a post about being genderfluid or genderqueer. I thought about it long and hard that maybe, I am genderfluid. but the question comes up how the heck would i really know? I remember when I was young I would be jealous of the boys cause they got to play outside longer and I wasn't allowed to cause I was a girl my grandmother would say, but that didn't make sense to me. so what if I was a girl? I would wish i was a boy and play with the other boys. when I reached puberty and my body was slowly changing i didn't like the feeling of it. people would tell me i was becoming a woman. don't get me wrong I'm still comfortable with my body being physically female. and a part of me liked being one, but another part of me wanted to be a guy. so I remember once or twice i wrapped up my chest (it was easier cause i was only in my teen years) and wore a beanie so my hair wouldn't be seen much and I would go out as a guy and it felt normal for me. but i would also go out in more feminine clothes and that would feel normal as well. before the start of Senior Year I made a slight mistake in getting a haircut and they had to cut it shorter that what i was used to. like really short. I liked it and it felt better than my long hair. Then a few days later my family went to a buffet and I didn't know why but I chose to dress more... masculine as my mom would put it. I started wearing sport bras so my chest wasn't that pronounced and i wore some loose flannel, jeans and sneakers. my hair was short like a guy so i didn't need to cover it with a hat. I went and the staff would call me 'Sir' and 'He would like some soup' and it made me smile and happy. it was like deep down I wanted them to address me like that. though My dad wasn't a fan, when a waitress called me 'Sir' when I asked for more water. But... Also at the end of senior year when my hair finally got longer again. Prom happened. I actually was a little annoyed that I had to wear make up and I couldn't just wear a suit (it was more practical). But at the same time... I liked the attention, I like that they did my hair and I wasn't as fussy in putting on make up. when everyone saw me they complimented me and told me I looked beautiful and that was also fine with me. I also liked being seen as a woman. and hearing'She looks beautiful' and 'she cleans up nice doesn't she' when I started thinking about this. all these memories came with it. I myself don't know. I'm still very much attracted to women, I don't think that will change. but i feel like i want to know am I genderfluid?
Truly, you're the only one who can answer for yourself whether or not you're gender fluid however, it does sound like you've experienced some life events that probably wouldnt apply to most cisgender women, so it's valid that you're questioning and interested in yourself like this. One thing to keep in mind at first is that expression and identity are different. You said you enjoy being read in a masculine way and dressing in a masculine way, however, is this because you know you're being read as androgynous and people are recognizing your expression, or are you wanting to express this way because it will get you read as a man? Another thing, it does sound like you could be experiencing some gender euphoria from being addressed as a man, with masculine pronouns, etc., and my question would be, if all of this were to stop and go away and no matter how androgynous you looked you would always be read as a woman, would you be sad? Would you want to try harder to be read as a man sometimes? Also, are you mostly indifferent to how you are read or are there days where you feel you'd be distinctly more comfortable addressed as a man or as a woman? As for me personally, I am nonbinary and can relate with enjoying being recognized both ways. I was assigned female at birth, and I've come to recognize over time that there are many aspects of being female that bother me more than being male, however it took me awhile to learn to recognize these because it was hard to tell the difference between enjoying compliments and validation, and how I truly felt. So, much like you, even if I didn't like wearing a dress to prom or something, I enjoyed getting lots of compliments so that kind of blinded my negative feelings for a while. Try to think If there's a difference with stuff like this! Or if there's none at all and you'd truly feel okay as a man or a woman!
thank you for this and it's really something to think about. as for the questions I'll try to answer. when you asked about if i wanted to be read as a man and if they stopped would I be sad, and some of the instances that i did want to be read as a man (which aren't a lot given how i was raised) and they still addressed me as a woman made me feel uncomfortable. for instance the restaurant memory where my dad corrected the waitress and she addressed me as "miss" I felt bad and uncomfortable all of a sudden but i played it off and laughed when my mom pointed it out (again because of how i was raised), but then there was some occurences where i would be on the phone and people would address me as 'sir' because of either the comm line, or I was slightly sick at the time. I've only recently started to remember these events when I started to question and I'm still not sure until further experience. If I were to go out and want to be addressed as a man and denied. would I work harder to be seen as one? this one i don't know the answer to in the recent weeks, since i have not tried to do so (again because of how i grew up and I'm not out so i can't really tell my family about this) but at the restaurant memory again i wanted to be called sir when I first heard one of the staff call me that, and to hear one call me miss made me feel wrong. but the next days i was fine being addressed as a woman. as of right now since i am not sure and only one other person knows I am feeling this way I really wouldn't know how I would go about it... there are days I would like to go out in a more masculine sense and be addressed as a man (but i can't). and others i go out and dress more feminine (or as feminine as i can be) and be addressed as a woman. and the question about being indifferent of how I am addressed. I haven't really experienced that... not that i can remember atleast... I've been raised to wear feminine clothes and I've only got away with wearing masculine clothes a handful of times and some of those I never got addressed to how i felt at the time. there are times when I don't correct people (this mostly happens on the phone) maybe it's because i don't hear them correctly, or my mind is elsewhere, or just because i was fine with it. if i were to be asked which one i prefer... I would rather they address me as something neutral you know it sounds better than being addressed as a woman if i want to be seen as a man. and addressed as a man if i wanted to be seen as a woman. I'm sorry this must be really confusing. I'm just so... confused about this entire situation. some thing i do know is 1. I am attracted to women and 2. I am comfortable with my female body. I dunno if I answered all of the questions with a way that might help... again thank you and I will still try to look into this more. and thank you for atleast saying my questioning is valid... really thank you
To me you sound like you switch between male and female with little ground in the middle. I'll ask one more question, though: when you want to present and be addressed as a man, do you feel male inside, or is it that you feel strongly "boyish" for want of a better word? For me, determining the difference was a crucial step in working out that I wasn't cis.
when the time i did present myself as a man at first i didn't know why i wanted to dress boyish at the time and when i was addressed like a man i did feel happy that i was seen like that. i felt like a guy for a little bit but I never thought it was okay for me to think like that at the time. i never knew that was okay. and then my dad went about and got mad so i guess i didn't get much of a chance to explore that side of me. cause i was afraid of what they would think. so yes at the time though i was unaware i was happy to be seen like a man and be addressed as one. i don't know if i felt like a man inside since it didn't happen long and I was clueless. that basically what i felt... sorry i dunno if I answered this as concise as i can
