okay so i think about being a guy almost all the time... i rlly think deeply and imagine myself as happy. being pre T i feel very limited, i have a lot of anxiety and never want to leave house, sex is terrifying because i hate what i got, so yeah relationships are a problem... i can't wear certain clothes even with a binder because it still shows a bulge... all in all, being pre everything is starting to affect my life now that i graduated from highschool i've become secluded and a bit depressed... anyway, i have a problem... T sounds kinda neat and all but there's one change that scares me and that's my voice changing. i'm not really sure why though. i think it's because i'm so used to this voice now but i also think because it's not like other changes. with facial hair u can shave really well and hide it almost, also hiding genitals (i'm happy for it though) but u know... i guess i'm afraid of it dropping too fast and obviously regretting T. i'm stuck between wanting T (with a huge change i'm not much ready for) or living a lie and being unhappy a lot... i'm trying to chose just dealing with it and continue keeping it to myself but i do feel... miserable... a lot of times i wouldn't mind dying (sounds terrible) so TW ;a; my upbringing was crappy and my family literally tells me that seeing a therapist is a sign of a "poor me" attitude and "it's all for attention" so i refuse to see one. but yeah. advice?
First, a good therapist would be a useful tool for you. They would help you think through these issues and point you to some options, basically exploring whether T is right for you. You are correct in saying that many of the changes brought on by T are irreversible, such as the lower voice. So you may just want to experiment with expressing yourself as male (ie wearing masculine clothing, using male pronouns, short haircut) and see how you feel doing that for a while. If this makes you feel better, then talking o a therapist about HRT may be good. They will cover all you need to know before prescribing it. A bit of reassurance. Binding isn't the end-all-be-all and it shouldn't make you totally flat. Cis-men have a natural chest contour and so a little bit of a bulge won't hurt. If it is bothering you, though, consider wearing layers. Such as a t-shirt with and open button-down shirt over it. Personally, when chest dysphoria hits me hard, I throw on the binder and a large hoodie. In the end, try to ignore the stigma around receiving professional help for your mental health. This is about your health, not other people's prejudices. And to get better we have to do things we don't feel like doing sometimes - and that takes perseverance. You are man enough without T or surgery; work on loving and respecting yourself. We cannot control our circumstances, brother, but we can control how we react to them. And that is what builds our character.
I agree with Alec. Talking to a good therapist, especially a gender therapist, can be so helpful. They can help you with your worries, as well as help you map out short term and long term goals with your path.
