I have been making progress in understanding my gender a bit at a time. And I've gotten to a point where I can see at least some things clearly. But I really don't know how to understand what it all means. I've settled on the label genderqueer and transmasculine for now, because I know my feelings go beyond just a need for gender nonconforming expression, but I don't know if I identify more as a guy or somewhere in the middle of the gender spectrum. This is what I know: My body/biology: I know on a deep gut level that I was wired to have a penis. It's something I've felt since I was little. I feel on some level like my breasts don't belong. I see men on the street and I feel like I'm supposed to be shaped more like them. My gender expression: My gender expression matters a lot to me, it correlates directly with my happiness when I present more like a guy. I feel awful when I have to dress more like a woman. This includes what people can't see like boxers, and things they can see like the rest of my clothes. My hair needs to be short, cut and styled like a guy's. The way I move, sit, stand etc has always been more masculine. Identity by others: I need to connect with other trans folks, I need to be seen as someone outside of cisgender and I feel like that community feeling helps me feel that identity. I feel the need to identify by a gender neutral name. What confuses me: I don't know if I could imagine not being a mom (I a man a mom) I also deeply loved pregnancy and breastfeeding. I don't know how I feel about my face looking female, whether I need it to be male or female in appearance. Same with facial hair. I don't know what pronouns feel right. On some level, I can almost imagine myself still saying I'm a woman even if I got bottom and top surgery. That doesn't seem to make much sense, I know. I know you all can't tell me what my identity is but I guess I'm looking for some sense that I'm not the only one with such a confusing sense of gender? ---------- Post added 9th Dec 2016 at 02:52 AM ---------- *thats supposed to say - I am a mom
And I like my boobs. Seriously. It doesn't matter. You are who you are. Pronouns are just words. Saying you're a woman is just words. Body is just flesh and bone. Clothes are just pieces of fabric. You don't need to feel it all so sharply. You don't need to be disgusted with men to be a lesbian. You might even find sex/flirting/etc. with them fun in some ways. Same goes with being trans.
Hmm I haven't really quite thought of it that way, that it doesn't have to be felt so sharply. That's really helpful food for thought. I suppose I've been feeling like there should be some sharper sense of certainty, as in I know I'm a guy, or I know I'm not. I wish it didn't feel so murky.That murkiness leaves me feeling like I'm not able to fully be me, because there's a part of me that's not sure quite exactly who 'me' is.
clarity is nice, but there's something for having things more amorphous as you aren't constrained by expectations or hard and fast rules. makes the whole 'you do you' thing more personal, that way you define your path yourself.
You're right, maybe I should embrace my lack of clarity. It will come in time I suppose, and it lets me explore who I really am.
I know it may seem like I'm very clear, but it's murky for me as well. I know deep down, that I am in fact a woman, but at the same time, I have times that I feel like maybe being a guy isn't so bad. I know I'm not, on the inside, I am on the outside, biologically, so maybe I should just stay the way I am. That never lasts long though.
