I'm struggling to be body positive outside of my back, arms and upper chest. I can't stand the rest. I haven't even started T yet so far redistribution and surgery is a long way off. I'm wanting the perspective of fellow transguys. There's a lot on the forum lately positioned to transladies and I'm needing the opinions and reassurance from guys in my boat. How do you stop yourself falling to pieces when your tee shirts don't fit as you would like? Or having to use the women's toilets?
I dont look in mirrors any more. I use the disabled toilets or slip into the mens when nobody's looking. It's difficult. And I don't have the answers. Is it realistic to expect to be able to be body positive at this point KAL? I am just doing what I can cope with. There's no mirror in my bathroom. I bought a guy's shirt today. I like it but obviously it doesn't look the way it should on me binding and all. But I bought it anyway. It does still feel better than wearing a woman's. And together with lots of aftershave, I feel better. Not perfect, but better. Sometimes all you can do is choose the lesser of two evils. It is a truly funky shirt. I always liked men's department shirts better. At least with the binder I can fit into them. It doesn't look quite right but it's BETTER. It's better...yes...that's all I can hope for. Maybe its better to just aim for the ideal without insisting that you must fit the box absolutely. Keep the picture in your mind. But forgive yourself for not quite getting there. blessings ---------- Post added 10th Dec 2016 at 10:47 AM ---------- Do you pack? The fact that I pack makes me feel better about using the women's toilets.
It's terrible for passing, but sometimes I just layer baggy sweaters/hoodies, and that usually covers any sort of wrongness I get, even if it makes me look more diminutive. As for the bathrooms thing...dude, you're a secret agent infiltrating. (kidding.)
I have to use a women's toilet very rarely. So this is not a problem for me. When my shirts don't fit I get another one that fits. Short guy problems... After all I think gender euphoria covers up the dysphoria. Male perfume and stuff. Because before I had my complaints, but it was just a body. I simply didn't know it was supposed to reflect my inside. It was just there to carry around my brain. And I'm kinda amazed about the reflecting it does now. So I'd just say focus on the good things.
Best advice I can give is to look forward to the future. It may seem far off now, but once it's happening it will all seem very fast. Just think about that T! Since you're dedicated and in good shape already I'm sure you'll have amazing results.
Some of this has probably already been said, but I'll give you my input regardless. When t-shirts don't fit me, I find something else that does. Button-ups hide curves and aren't meant to be too tight-fitting anyway, so they work quite well. Also, I don't know if this is your thing but jackets work like a charm. You can wear those over shirts that don't fit well, as jackets hide most signs of curves or bagginess. I try to avoid women's toilets as much as possible, and instead go for gender-neutral/disabled ones. But luck always seems to be against me and disabled toilets are often out of order or in use when I need them... So when I have to use the women's, I try to give it too much thought. It's somewhat helpful to go when it's more empty, because a lack of women makes it less apparent that the bathroom is supposed to be used by women. People usually give me weird looks when I enter the bathroom (I guess I look androgynous) and taking notice of those things helps me, because it's somehow reassuring (for me at least) to know that other people also think the girl's bathroom isn't the right place for me.
Your body is not who you are. The T will come in time, but for now focus on what you can control. Like anthracite mentioned, try to illicit gender euphoria instead of dysphoria. Shave your face, wear men's cologne, find clothes that do make you feel good and toss the rest, get a nice haircut, buy a packer maybe, whatever bolsters your confidence. It is hard. Damn hard sometimes. But you will get there. Whether one, five, or ten years, you will get there and everything will be worth it. This doesn't help everyone, but for me I like to imagine the great things to come such as a flat chest, deep voice, and stubble. It makes me smile to know it's coming. If you have to, avoid the mirror a while. Sometimes I need to put my back to the mirror when I cannot deal with the negativity. That's okay. Take your time. We are in this together, brother.
@Ben: Though I feel it fades with time. I remember the first time looking in the mirror presenting as male. It was overwhelming to actually see myself. Now it's not so great anymore, but I can still be proud of my body finally maybe from the association that a correct presentation causes.
As for clothing, I have one or two pieces I know fit fine, so I'll wear those frequently. I'll only wear other stuff if I'm feeling better. As far as restrooms I try to use unisex/single stall ones (they're a bit of a walk away at my school but worth it). If I need to I'll use the men's. Back when I wasn't comfortable doing that I would just suck it up and go in the women's tbh. I'd rather pee and skedaddle than have to hold it all day. Didn't really have a method for it besides "in and out quickly".... which helped a bit since it's stereotypical for girls to go in a group and/or take forever in there, and I was quick about it.
Clothes are always one of the hardest parts for me, I'm like 5'4 and kinda scrawny so this doesn't help. But I find clothes I like, if they're baggy better baggy than clothes that show my feminine frame. Just walking around in the men's department for clothes makes me a bit happier when getting clothes. I look around them and do get depressed sometimes. Only because I want almost all of them when I see them, I want to buy them all but I'm not made of money lol. I hope that with T I can one day wear what I've always wanted to wear and have it look legit, a suit jacket. That look with a suit jacket, a collared shirt or a T-shirt under a suit jacket with jeans, I long every day to be able to wear something like that. But for now, as long as I have my binder, clothes that don't fit my frame and aren't huge on me I can cope. I also cope by taking showers with mens face cleanser and mens shampoo/conditioner and body wash. It makes me feel more masculine by smelling like a man as much as I can. I just kinda ignore the body and I'm just used to having being stuck with this body for now and I dont feel anything. I guess that's my way of coping, just going numb by ignoring the body I have right now, and imagine myself with the right one. Bathrooms, I solve this problem by never going outside ever. Lol! But really, if I'm stuck in that situation like a resataunt maybe, I just use the women's, they're usually kinda bare so I don't have to worry about being seen or judged. I just go in, go out, do my buisness and pretend that nothing happened. If there is a gender neutral one I'll jump for joy. When I finally start T, I'm not sure what my bathroom situation will be like, but again, I rarely go out aside from getting groceries so that solves that issue. We just have to take one step at a time, and we'll eventually reach our destination. Even if it's slower than molasses in January. We'll get there
This is going to sound contradictory, because I know it's already slim pickings, but it helps to become much more discerning about clothes. Like, however discerning you think you should be? Shoot for three times more than that. First things first, stop entertaining the idea of compromise. It's easy to think "Oh, well these aren't really made for my body, so they're not going to be a perfect fit anyway, I need to take what I can get". I think that all the time, and then I'll be at the thrift store, perusing some funky shirts, and I'll try one on and much to my surprise, it's a good fit. Not just ok, or alright, but actually good - not too long in the sleeves, not too tight or loose in the shoulders, and I can button all the buttons. It always surprises me. But these unicorns are out there. Find them, and horde them like precious gems, and take note of the brands and the sizes on them, because chances are that those brands will offer more clothes in that size that will be a comparable fit. Once I had my mind made up to stop compromising, and enough clothes that fit well, I donated the rest...everything I bought because it looked good on some other guy, or that was always too big and I never took the time to tailor, or that I didn't like that much but bought because it seemed like something every guy should have. I'm always on the hunt for new things now, because I don't have that much left in my closet, but I also have the peace of mind that I can pull out pretty much anything and put it on my body and have it fit well. And not having to think about how I'm stuck with the one flannel that could have come out of my dad's closet because my good ones are in the wash - that's actually a huge relief that makes getting by from day to day much easier. Shoot for the point where you can get dressed in 5 minutes and have everything fit well, no matter what's left in your closet, and you start thinking less about how wrong your body feels. At least that worked for me... I can talk about dressing for days, but I won't. Study men's fashion, though. It helps to be able to wear more than cargo shorts and t-shirts. I don't have an answer for bathrooms. I usually just store all of my bodily waste in another dimension until I can find a neutral room, or I get home.
