Hi all, It's been one week since I hit a wall with the girl I was dating. I broke down and told her I was questioning my sexual orientation. This week has been a roller coaster. So, I've been trying to let myself just be as much as possible. It's been really hard. Trying to shut down the "thought rewriter" in my head. I had an epiphany today. I'm afraid to be gay. But I can kind of accept that if that's who I am. The part I REALLY struggle with is my innate feminine feelings. I've built a very convincing mask to hide that. Inside I'm pretty swooshy. But I never let that out. Uhg. There's a HUGE ball of shame in not being masculine. It's kicking me in the gut as I write this. I'm thinking about my friends. I think they could accept gay, but effeminate? I don't think so. Effeminate feels like the thing that would turn my world upside down. Cause me to have to get a whole new set of friends. Lose the love and friendship I have with people I really care about. This sucks.
Wow. I'm sitting here, not even an hour after posting the first thing. This came out of nowhere. I was always afraid of being gay. I've been on this forum for a week, desperately trying to figure myself out. Sexual orientation questions. That's what I was thinking. But it didn't quite fit. Neither does being straight. I'm sitting here. Calm. Mostly at peace. That I'm female. Have always been. That feels right. I'm sure the feeling of wanting to throw up and crying and all that will be back soon. But, for now, I'm at peace. Is it true that the hardest person to come out to is yourself?
Hey NotSureAboutMch, It depends on the person, but, yes, many times the hardest person to Come Out to is yourself. And that's especially true the longer you've been in the closet or been in denial about your true sexuality/gender identity. From your threads, it is clear that you are coming to a much better understanding of yourself, but have a LOT to work through. The best way to do that would be to find a qualified therapist to help you with this. Just some thoughts.
Hey NotSureAboutMch, Sorry to hear you feel this way, I can relate - I really can - I'm confused as to where I am, I don't think I'm gay - it doesn't feel right, but I've been thinking a lot about having feelings or interests that are more feminine, I've never been a masculine guy - but always tried to hide it in the things I used to do. Always here to chat about it if you want.
I'm blown away right now by my mental state. I'm just not that on edge. I know myself now and that makes me want to cry, but I don't have to. I have a LOT of things to figure out and try in the coming days, weeks, months. I need to talk to the woman I was dating tomorrow. We are strong friends but it got a little confusing in the last few days. She's emotionally working on less information than she needs. And she'll accept me. I'm sure of that. So, I'm sitting here, after a week of crying and desperation, thinking of going to a party. It's for a charity. An end of season party. I was very much a part of making this year what it was. There will be a lot of warmth and thankfulness coming my way tonight. It will be strange though. For the first time I'm aware that I don't really like wearing jeans or having this beard. But it's ok. I put on my most feminine underwear which felt good. I also tied a ribbon around my ankle, under my sock. I can feel it and it will keep me grounded in some way. I'll watch my feelings. If things get to be too much, I'll bail. I've got a cold, so I can make an excuse and get out if I need to. The fact that I can even consider going feels good. Even if I have to turn around halfway there because some random emotion hits me. Just being this ok feels really good.
So, I went to this party. It was fine. I only had two moments that sucked. I had dated two women from this charity. A past ex was there. It threw me a bit to think of where I was three months ago trying to date her. And there was someone that kept coming up to me and saying how the woman I just came out to is great and she really approves. Being in a relationship with that woman feels so far from all I will be changing in my life, it hurt. Other than that, I just was me. On the inside, looking out. Wearing my man clothes costume like I have every day of my life. It was fun. They are a great group of people. Several of whom would probably accept me no matter who I am. Several that wouldn't, I'm sure, but that isn't hitting me much. I know who I am. Things make sense. In the next few days I'll find a trans counselor that can help me through all of this. I hope to meet up with the woman I was dating and tell her what I figured out about myself. I think she'll be accepting. She sure was when I said I had sexual orientation questions. Hopefully she's as ok with this. Even if she isn't. I think I'll be ok. I'm not uncentered anymore. Then again, with as much as I've been changing in a week, tomorrow may be way different than I expect. I'll make it through.
