I should really stop reading raising my rainbow. It’s a good blog and well-written but the fact is underneath it all I’m very envious of CJ’s position, because he gets something I want very badly: to be treated as a girl and grow up as such whilst not losing the legitimacy of his identity as a boy. I know I’m not cis. Or if I am, then I’m like him. But for me as a non-binary adult I feel like I have to make a horrible choice: I can either live as a cis male all the time and be uncomfortable, or identify as a trans woman all the time and feel uncomfortable. I don’t think I’m truly either of these consistently. I know I’m accepted by my friends and my partner as the fluid person I am, and that’s really great. But at the same time I feel trapped in my masculinity. Like there’s a whole girl side of me which needs validation and hasn’t got it for years and years and years but I still can’t express that. I don’t want to give up my masculinity. It’s no less real than my femininity. But I constantly erase and invalidate myself – I need to be treated as a girl, but I fear that if I were then I wouldn’t be female enough for even my friends to take me seriously. I fear that I don’t know “how to be a girl”. I don’t know how to ask my safe friends to treat me as a girl. And if by some miracle they granted me that wish, I don’t know what I or they would do with my inconstant male side, like I’ll never truly belong in the “girl” category, even if that’s the way my gender has swung that day. I relate better to boys because I am one and I’ve been socialised that way, but at the same time I am a girl and I need that aspect to be recognised and validated. I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to be me. And, when I do get chances to be more feminine I tend to run away and revert to my default. I don’t know how to let go. I wrestle with pronouns. I kind of think I’m uncomfortable because I haven’t reconciled this bit of me. Part of me wants a female name and pronouns very, very badly, but not all the time. I can’t help wondering if this is my female side trying to force recognition, rather than something I actually necessarily need as a permanent thing, but I can’t tell for sure at this time. I just feel so lost right now. Being non-binary SUCKS. :tears:
I'm sorry you're struggling. Can you try using female pronouns once in a while. You said you're recognised by people in your life as gender fluid, it seems they would understand and be supportive. I know that only gets to a part of what you're feeling but it could be a start to learning more about what your needs are and how to fulfill them.
