For awhile now I've been struggling with my gender identity. I thought that I was genderfluid seeing as my expression would change and seeing that I got dysphoria from the way like and other times I didn't. There were times that I hated my masculine looks and there were times I was seemingly fine or indifferent to it. I also would wear different kinds of clothing for the way I felt. I would wear breast forms and a bra if I felt like a lady but then I'd wear my normal guy clothes (t-shirt and jeans) if I felt like a man of neither. Was never a huge fan of dresses though. Even if I did wear them, I only wore them in private in front of my significant other because I feel comfortable around them. I figured I did like it for the same reason I don't like shorts or sandles—they make me feel exposed—so it makes sense that the only person whom I'd be okay wearing a dress in front of is the person whom I am most comfortable with. Other than that I never wore my breast forms in public. Partially because I'm nervous and also because I'm not sure that's me. I'm not to comfortable wearing my breaths forms either. I wear them in front of the people I trust the most, much like my dress, but I'm a bit more comfortable with them compared to dresses. With all of this my gender had also been less and less fluid. I don't really feel strongly male or female yet I still occasionally want to wear my breast forms. I feel more disconnected with gender too recently. Which made me think I was maybe agender, but I discussed with my significant other who happens to identify as agender and they described there experience to me and even that didn't sound right. I told them I feel less gendered and more of me. Like if some asked my gender, I would just say my name. They identified with this too, but there were still some differences we had. I may feel more like me and more disconnected from gender, yet I still feel something gendered. I just don't know what. I've been thinking that this might be all in my head and that I should just identity as my biological sex, but he/him pronouns aren't comforting and she/her is not much better. It's weird though I don't know and I'm questioning it, I don't really want to. I feel as if I have a gender but I don't really care what it is. I identify with gender questioning because I don't know, yet, unlike most who question, I don't really want know. I just want to identify as gender unknown and leave it as that and use they/them as mystery pronouns. It weird but for someone like me that's obsessed with knowing more and can't usually handle not having an answer, this one thing the I don't mind being a mystery, even to the point I identify with that mystery. Is there anyone else who feels that same, and if so, what's your identity (if you have one, labels aren't necessary).
To be honest I think you're just over thinking it and putting a lot of pressure on yourself. If you like crossdressing or feeling more masculine/feminine depending on the day that's not a problem at all. Gender doesn't define you, it's why most people don't care about it, just take it in stride and don't introspect too much or you'll go in circles. If there is something you want you'll naturally shift towards it, if you feel reserved don't ignore that feeling either. I think labels are counter-intuitive personally so I don't have or use any past a really simplistic or foundational set (bi, human, female), they can portray a general idea regarding how one feels but they can also be fluid or arbitrary. Myself? I'm me, I'm feminine overall at heart and mind but for expression it's not locked to gender so in the end it doesn't matter (Sometimes wishing to be a male video game hero is fun, or wearing guy clothes, or liking 'guy' things, but that doesn't affect my reality or womanhood). The only things I care about are being seen as female outwardly, and my genitals matching. Past that gender to me is meaningless.
