Hey everyone! The same old question I have had for nearly a year now, but right now it's really exhausting again and I can't stop thinking about it even thought I'm trying to stop. So maybe some ideas could reassure (sry my English isn't the best...) me. With 16 years the idea of being Trans* came up and I started to inform myself about it. Since then I has been sticking in my head and won't go away even for one day. There were no signs when I was a kid. Nothing. Looking back there might been some things but only those you could look at like you want. Back then I always thought boys clothes were the best. But my parents hadn't the money so I had to wear stuff from my (female) cousins. It was okay because those clothes were mostly genderless and at some time it hadn't affected me anymore. But at some moment I can recall borrowing stuff from my brother and my mother got angry at me. You must now my brother is a quiet person, who never complains. And she made my feel so guilty for taking something from him knowing he won't say anything so I never did it again. Or back then I always found the conversations between men more interesting as women talks. But my mom taught me that if I don't want to be in later I have to first talk to the women in the room and then maybe with caution later to the men. And at some point I just stayed by the women because I didn't want to get in trouble and with the time it got normal and familiar. I always had a strong sense of protecting especially my brother. I often fought with him or his friends. But I stopped when I realized that I only troubled my brother this way when "his big sister was fighting for him even when he was the man in the house". As a kid me and my brother where playing everything. There was no difference between boys and girls playstuff. Only with my femal friends from school I played Barbie because I was the only they played and I didn't really matter to me. Looking back I think I somehow pushed myself into the role of a woman. Because for me was clear, my brother had got the role of a man and born in the mens' world and I had born with the female role so I had to grow up and fitting in the female world. Just like this and I got so used I didn't really suffer I think. But that was mostly all I remember at all about me being a kid. About puberty I can only say when the breast grew, I don't find it's looking good but that's the same with every gender expressing part of the body. But I realized boys liked breasts and I felt good when I got compliments, so I wore high heels and used makeup and push-ups. To this I have to add that I was totally agains makeup until I turned 16 and short after my parents got divorced (hope it's the right word). My therapists said the reason why I started to wear makeup after this was to get the attention of my father with whom I stayed. And when I didn't get it, I searched for something other and found Trans* Yeah that's the story. Now I'm not living with my father anymore but the Trans* thoughts are sticking in my head. Because I have never liked my birth name I found another, male name and it's not uncomfortable when people call me like that, same with the pronoun "he", unfamiliar, but it doesn't feel wrong. The biggest problem is the feeling. If I would feel male it would be okay. But I ain't really. Not really male, not really female. Imaging it as a thing I feel my gender would be a grey, constantly moving materia and some parts (without any pattern) are sometimes turing darker or lighter grey. I do feel male sometimes, but only very slightly. But that doesn't feel bad. Then I get confident. And then the feeling is away again. Most of the time I guess I feel nothing. But this feelings are sometimes changing every couple of minutes. And that's driving me crazy somehow. Also I've never had a "Yeah, that's it!" feeling. No gender seems to feel right or wrong. I don't feel anything about it at all. And that changing makes me even more self doubting. I would wish to be male because at least it's not feeling that uncomfortable. But maybe those comfortable or uncomfortable is all just made up in my mind by overthinking everything. I'm not very good at feeling my emotions because most of the time there is nothing to feel there. Only thoughts to hear in my head. But depressions aren't infecting the gender question to much. They do affect, but not that so much I couldn't feel anymore because I do feel sometimes. Also I thought I would be Asexual because I don't like those gender parts of my or other peoples' bodys but now I'm pretty sure I aren't. And I don't feel comfortable in my body. Thank you very much if you have continued reading until this! I am really sorry for this long text but there is no other place I could tell anyone so all this just bottled up inside of me...please, any idea, please any help...I would be unbelieveable glad.
First thing's first, take a deep breath. I know how confusing and frustrating it is to question your gender when things aren't quite as obvious as you'd like it to be. The best thing to do is to relax; as long as you're tense, you will struggle to think things through, hence you will have a hard time getting to understand yourself. Now to addressing your thoughts: the majority of the information that you wrote is irrelevant in determining your gender. The things about liking male clothes/disliking makeup etc relate more to masculinity. While masculinity refers to how you act and present yourself, being male refers more to how you feel in the inside. As a result not all men are necessarily masculine, likewise not all masculine people are male. However, that last paragraph is worth taking note of. To me you definitely sound nonbinary (in other words you're not fully male or female), particularly because you said that you're "not really male, not really female". I would say that you could be agender (I'm assuming that you meant this instead of asexual), but the "changes" that you describe make it sound like you're genderfluid. To be genderfluid you don't need to feel either male or female in a given time; you could feel like you're somewhere in-between and fluctuate around that area. Once again, take it easy. Don't stress out too much about this; your answers will come given time.
Thank you very much! I will try to take a deep breath and just let the time handle things but sometimes it's really hard to just do nothing and the fear of never finding an answer comes up. Yeah, guess, I will keep Agender and Genderfluid in mind and just wait what the time will bring. I told my therapist once that I think I might be genderfluid. He then asked me how many people of mankind are genderfluid. I answered that there would be only few and he replied that then it's unlikely for me to be genderfluid and I'm just a confused cis. Discussion's end. He is a specialist at his work so I trust his opinion. And that's what it makes even more difficult somehow. But guess I will try to talk to him again and then let the time pass by. Again, thank you for your answer.
Hi Xe_O, First, I agree with AnATypicalGuy, take some deep breathes and relax. This is not easy sometimes, but most of us here have a tendency to get in our heads. Being tense makes it harder to figure out who we are. You made a couple of comments about your therapist that I find a bit disturbing. The good therapists I know do their best to help their patients realize who they are. It really sounds to me that your therapist is close minded to transgenderism. He seems to impose his opinions on to you instead of helping you figure yourself out. I went to a really respected therapist a long time ago, and looking back it was a bad choice. He was not what I needed at that time. What I'm saying is even a well regarded therapist may not be the right one for you and what you're going through. Hope that helps. Keep breathing and trust that this will work itself out in time. -nsam
Excuse me for my language, but that right there is some bullshit. My best friend is genderfluid, and they are anything but a "confused cis". There are other genderfluid people out there as well, many more than your therapist would like to believe. As NSAM said, your therapist seems very closed-minded to transgender/nonbinary issues. Regardless of how uncommon something may be, you shouldn't rule anything out if you feel that it applies to you. My own sexuality is pretty uncommon to say the least, but I don't pretend that it doesn't exist.
I would suggest gender flux, meaning that your gender fluctuates between agender(no gender) and another- possibly transmasculine (partly male, partly neutral) or male. For the most part it sounds as if your gender is fairly neutral, but you sometimes try to express as masculine. However, I can not be sure and it still may take some time to figure out. I wish you the best of luck, and hope you find your gender.
Lmao, using the logic that there are so few genderfluid people in the world that you wouldn't be one makes absolutely no sense xD That's like looking at someone with green eyes and saying "do you know what percentage of the population has green eyes? A very small amount, so you probably don't have green eyes."
Kipper, LMAO. "so you probably don't have green eyes."! The point is valid though, Xe_O. Find a therapist that can help you find out who you are instead of one that wants you to be what he thinks you should be. That's just closed-minded egotism in my opinion.
I would consider not discarding the therapist's words about gender fluidity or non binary, because there is really no indication that it is a thing, and plenty of evidence to the contrary. So with all respect to whoever chooses that label, it is dishonest to say that this is a valid label from a medical perspective. So whatever you decide, please keep that in mind. It is also not impossible to have gender related issues that are unrelated to being trans. Would be a good idea to make sure the therapist is proficient at gender therapy and not discard options that you don't like at first glance. And by all means explore your identity, just don't get too fixated on seeking validation of whatever gender in everything you do because that will surely drive you nuts. Most of what I get from your post is that you might have some problems related to being repressed by how you were raised, you mention rather strict rules on how to behave and being pushed not so much into a role of a woman, but rather a very specific kind of a woman. Not one that is allowed to be a tomboy is what I mean. Your way of describing the therapist gives me some impression that while he might be right about the non binary part, you describe some categoric statements that make me wonder, did you verify whether the therapist has good reputation among trans people?
To me, you sound mostly agender or gender neutral. Miley Cyrus actually identifies as agender, she claims to have never really identified with any gender throughout her life. This even can be expressed through all of her changes in hair and style. Gender neutral is another possibility, in that you can have elements of both genders at the same time that create this sort of "neutrosis." It's easy to just assume that you're either cis or trans because life is always in binaries. When you happen to break the binary, it seems like you are wrong. Well, I'm happy to announce that you aren't and really have nothing to worry about! I recommend with exploring more ways to express a sort of androgynous look. I think you will come to really like it and feel very at peace knowing that you don't have to be male or female to feel at peace with you are.:lol:
I agree with this, being gender flux and leaning towards transmasculine myself. Also, nonbinary is a possibility with other identities, such as my own. But I think you shouldn't feel the need to rush in finding your gender. It can be a slow learning process. I know it was from my experience. All you need to do is experiment a little with you gender. Compare how feel in different clothes, try buying a binder and see how you feel about being more flat chested. It won't come instantly, because gender can be a complicated thing, so just give yourself some time.
